Gorilla Mauls Boy. Zoo Kills Gorilla. The Internet Loses It’s Shit

Sooo my buddy, Harambe the Gorilla, was minding his own business doing dope Gorilla stuff when all of a sudden some 4-year old twerp fell into his habitat. Next thing he knows, he’s being shot at by zookeepers. The Cincinnati Zoo has a lot of explaining to do.

Everyone on the Internet and their dumb mothers have opinions about who’s to blame for the loss of Harambe.  First I want to say that everyone who fired off think pieces about how animals shouldn’t be kept in captivity and blah blah can take a hike.

It’s like a permanent vacation for some of these animals. Imagine if you never had to work again and were given free meals forever. I doubt there’s a Lion chilling at a zoo eating a delicious steak thinking to himself ‘damn I wish I was sweating my balls off in Africa chasing down gazelles and fighting off mosquitos.’

Regardless of how you feel about animals in zoos, no one gives a shit what you think. That’s the point I’m trying to make.

As far as blaming the parents, relax. Have you ever spent time with a 4-year old boy? The second you take your eyes off of them, they’re gone. Sometimes they end up in Gorilla habitats. I can promise you I’d be more angry at this kid’s mom if she was dragging him along in one of those child leashes.

Do we blame the zoo? I mean, it’s not necessarily the zoo’s job to babysit your kids. You should know that when you bring a child around wild animals, there’s a very good chance that they act like wild animals. Not sure the zoo is responsible for animals acting like animals. Oh a 400-pound gorilla did 400-pound gorilla stuff? No way? What kind of zoo is this where animals act like animals?!

So who’s to blame?

How about the dumb ass boy who jumped into the ring with a gorilla. This kid can’t hang at all. Do you think as this kid was getting face washed in a disgusting poop filled river by a 400-pound gorilla he thought to himself ‘wow I should like, totally never jump in a Gorilla habitat again’.

Harambe died for our sins. Take advantage of his sacrifice. Go outside. Live life. Stop posting 500-word long Facebook statuses about how a gorilla that you didn’t know existed yesterday was shot. Eat a Snickers, you’re not yourself when you’re hungry.


Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee if you think that zoos are bad for animals so I can mock you.




Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

E-mail to talk directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

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