Hannah B. vs. Caelynn: Who Won The Bachelor Episode 3

Episode 3 of The Bachelor was entirely consumed by the battle of the beauty pageant contestants as everything that happened was centered around Hannah B. vs. Caelynn.

Apparently, these two have some sort of mysterious past where both women were ‘fake’ and ‘manipulitive’ but Hannah B. took it upon herself to make Colton aware of their beef by attempting to tattle tale on Caelynn for being mean to her once or whatever.

It was probably the lamest dispute I’ve ever seen as Colton went back and forth all episode asking both women individually to clarify why the other would call them fake and neither girl was able to actually pinpoint an exact reason for not liking the other.

But huge round of applause to Caelynn who was able to turn those accusations against her into an opportunity to cry in front of Colton and pretend to be the victim and ending up with a rose because of her acting job.

But outside of the war between two women who are both catty pageant women who are absolute mirror images of one another personality wise, this episode shed light on two really weird things happening.

There is a constant battle between 23 year old Demi, my future ex-wife and 31 year old Tracy, my future secretary at Deadseriousness, regarding their age gap as both women continue to take shots at one another.

I will defend Demi to the end of time. She is the villain that we all need, especially considering that Catherine, the villain from the season premeire who kept stealing Colton from the other girls, completely fell into the background and was sent home this week.

Demi has taken Catherine’s ‘can I borrow you for a minute?’ and brought it to the next level by wearing robes and blindfolding him and just being the only woman there that seems to be sexually active.

But aside from the weird age-shamming of Tracy, there is an old[1. is this a pun?] tradition in The Bachelor where the woman must sit in front of the man she is sharing with 20 other girls and open up in front of millions of viewers about the biggest tradegy in her life only for Colton to say back to her ‘wow, you’re so brave for sharing that. I was staring at your breasts the whole time but now that you’ve told me that your entire family burned to death in a house fire and your dog was shot in the face by the DC Sniper, I can see that there’s actually a heart behind those breasts. Will you take this rose?’

Elise told Colton that her sister was diasgnosed with cancer while she was pregnant and died after giving birth. Colton’s response was “Opening up tonight about your sister had to be difficult, but it gave me insight into why you are the way that you are, and that is incredible.” Uh…okay?…

But that brings me to the winner of Episode 3: Caitlin.

Caitlin is the martyr of this season. Colton sent her home a full day before the rose ceremony because he didn’t see her as a future wife. You want to know why he didn’t see her as a future wife? Because she didn’t have a tragic back story.

The formula of asking a girl to open up and then patting her on the head for going through a traumatic event backfired and Colton literally malfunctioned. It threw him off so much that he was seconds away from dragging the bitch by her hair out of the mansion himself.

Thank you, Caitlin, for showing a huge hole in what people perceive to be ‘itneresting’ You don’t need to have a story about your uncle killing your father in a stampede to be an interesting person worthy of affection.

CAITLIN DRAGGED A FUCKING LIMO. Caitlin is too good for Colton actually. Homegirl has superhuman strength and was sent home. Sorry you couldn’t make this woman feel vulnerable and feel like she needs you, Colton.

Caitlin won this episode and it wasn’t even close.



Thanks for reading. Tweet to @theLesterLee with your winner of Episode 3 of The Bachelor. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Follow on Instagram so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.


Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

E-mail to talk directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

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