Bellevue Police Captain Matt Johnson says Art Price, Jr., 40, was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m. and noon having sex with his picnic table. What makes this a felony, Johnson says, is that it took place in close proximity to a school, which made it likely that children could have seen Price.
The neighbor — who wishes to remain anonymous — saw Price walk out onto his deck, stand a round metal table on its side and use the hole in the umbrella to have sex.
The most recent instance took place March 14, we’re told. A neighbor videotaped Price.
“The first video we had, he was completely nude. He would use the hole from the umbrella and have sex with the table,” Johnson says.
“What boosts it up to a felony is that the statute says if it’s likely to be viewed by a minor,” Johnson explains.
This case has police in this small town shaking their heads. “Once you think you’ve seen it all, something else comes around,” Johnson says.
The problem isn’t that Art Price had sex with a picnic table. I don’t think anyone has a problem with my man getting it in. Everyone has their types. Price is attracted to a sexy picnic table. Nothing too wild about that. Love is love.
But you can’t be completely naked banging a table in front of an elementary school, I reckon. You have to handle your business in private. I know what it feels like to get excited. Once you’re in that mood, you’re not thinking clearly. I’m sure Art Price wasn’t thinking about children when he was humping that umbrella hole.
To make this a felony seems harsh. If anything, the city is responsible for luring in Price with those sexy ass picnic tables so close to a school. This is entrapment. KANGAROO COURT.
Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee if you think Art Price should be allowed to sleep with as many picnic tables that will have him. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Like on Facebook so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.