GAME OF THRONES IS BACK. Last season’s finale prepared us for war but that was over a year ago. Season 7’s premiere was a nice little reminder of where everyone is on the map. Dragonstone was a cute Spark Notes episode to get us ready for all of our favorite characters to die inauspiciously.
It’s Cersei v. Everyone. She just burned down the High Sparrow and his squad. She burned the Tyrell family alive. She and Jaime are the last Lannisters and they’ve done nothing but make enemies for 6 seasons.
Enter Euron Greyjoy, a character that is so poorly fleshed out. His only role is to pop in and help serve major plotlines that might exist in the book but they didn’t introduce into the show so they rushed him to kill his brother out of nowhere and propose to every queen for no reason and it’s safe to say he’s going to return to Cersei next episode with some sort of dragon killing tool because his character literally exists to move the plot forward.
Hey Jaime, get cucked.
Shout out to The Hound for finding religion. Can’t wait for those bodies he buried to come back as White Walkers.
Bran’s back because somehow they’re moving faster without Hodor and that lame kid who I will have to admit I was genuinely happy to see him get stabbed up. That kid was an asshole. Can’t wait for Bran to be like ‘Jon, you’re a Targeryen.’ and everyone just shrug and say okay even though there’s no evidence of that.
The inevitable Jon vs. Sansa clash looks lit. Sansa is over everyone’s shit. To her, Jon Snow is a big dumb idiot. Littlefinger is a bitch. Brienne is her nuclear weapon. Everyone is a prop to her as she gives credit to her greatest influencer, my girl Cersei.
But most importantly, Arya is going to kill the queen. Fuck her family. You thought she was heading to the north to reunite with Jon? Laugh out loud. Arya murdered all the Freys and I would’ve stood up cheering if she decapitated bitchass Ed Sheeran who was placed into this show as if to personally irritate me.
Arya isn’t the hero we deserve but she’s the hero we need.
Also, the irony of Samwell Tarley having a montage of cleaning up shit is the perfect metaphor for the fact that all of his scenes are literal bathroom breaks. Also also, Sup Jorah.
I didn’t finish the episode, did Khaleesi arrive in a silent slow motion scene that was supposed to be powerful except that she was taken away when she was too young to have memories of Dragonstone and her father was like, the worst king ever? No? Okay, nevermind.