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Game of Thrones – Stormborn: Theon is a Bitch

Ah, in a very on the nose opening, we see Daenerys Stormborn standing in Dragonstone on the day of a storm in an episode entitled Stormborn. The head of the nail has in fact, been hit. The episode also starts with Tyrion trying to explain to us why Khaleesi can’t just ride in with dragons and take over King’s Landing even though she 1000% can do that whenever the fuck she wants but there are still 11 more episodes so there’s time to kill, I suppose.

Red Woman’s role: Remind the audience that the characters in the show have not forgotten about all of the prophecy nonsense. She basically looked directly into the camera and said: “Dear Reddit users, please keep theorizing about ‘The Prince That Was Promised, I swear we haven’t killed that plotline yet.”

Ned Stark, rode south and got beheaded. Robb Stark, went south and got beheaded. Jon Snow, riding south and will probably get head from Daenerys. To be honest, if a Jon Snow/Daenerys Targaryen alliance forms without a hitch I’m going to vomit forever. I swear if Jon Snow and Daenerys ride off into the sunset riding dragons and holding hands I’m going to scream at the top of my lungs like a child.

Shout out to Cersei for giving the ‘Make Westeros Great Again’ Fox News scaremongering about foreigners coming to King’s Landing to rape their wives and take their jobs. It literally always works. Trump wants to grab women by the pussy and Cersei burned down an entire neighborhood. Nope, doesn’t matter. Foreigners are coming.

But the funniest moment, probably in Game of Thrones history is Theon jumping off that boat like he was caught humping some guy’s wife and had to flee through the window literally seconds after Yara calls him her ‘Protector’. REEEEEEEEEEK, you sonofabitch.

Top vaginas in Game of Thrones history:

3. That one prostitute chick in Winterfell from like, Season 1.

2. Emilia Clarke walking out of that fire, vag out.

1. Theon Greyjoy

 

Quick Notes:

  • Nymeria’s goons are out here running the Riverlands. Streets raised me.
  • Greyworm’s head game is undefeated.
  • Jorah/Khaleesi fan fiction may continue.
  • Does anyone actually care if the Grejoys and Sand Snakes are wiped off the map? No, is the correct answer.
  • Hot Pie’s pie recipe is fire emoji.

 

 

 

Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee with your thoughts on Stormborn. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Like on Facebook so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.

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