The very first moment in Episode 1 Season 1 of Game of Thrones that we all witnessed was White Walkers terrorizing men from the Night’s Watch and sending a message to everyone in Westeros that they were coming.
After building that up for nearly a decade, the army of the dead finally made it to Winterfell.
Annnnnnnd billions of zombies were defeated by like, a handful of people in about 20-25 minutes.
But let’s quickly fast forward past the White Walkers, much like the show did, and discuss the aftermath which included a big drunk dinner where everyone’s flirting with each other again.
But let’s not focus on how much attention Gendry is receiving this season even though he was sailing away in a row for two seasons and no one gave a shit about him then and now he’s getting more lines than Arya, the character who single-handedly ended the Longest Night.
There was more time spent cheering Gendry than Arya. Men getting all the praise for a woman’s achievement? Surely that’s never happened before.
Let’s not spend too much time discussing Jaime smashing Brienne’s cheeks back to Tarth and then dipping in the middle of the night to return to his main bae.
Nothing will make you remember how much you care about your girlfriend than that immediate post-cheat guilt.
Addicted to what the dick did. Pray for Brienne.
Instead, let us give our full focus on Daenerys Targaryen, the woman who brags about being the mother of dragons on a daily basis while simultaneously getting those same dragons murdered out of the sky by being a more negligent mother than the moms who dropped their sons off at Michael Jackson’s house for the weekend.
Euron Greyjoy’s fleet murked one of Dany’s dragons easily and her reaction was to ride her other dragon directly into more of Euron’s arrows and while risking it all, decided to not use the ‘burn everyone alive’ move. Nope, not a single breath of fire. Makes sense.
We don’t need to get into dragon war tactics but she probably should’ve flown her dragons above the maximum ballista range.
Arrows don’t just fly into outer space. At some point, arrows will reach their max possible height and fall back to Earth. Fly that high.
Also, they’re on ships. Fly behind them.
You can’t turn ships around faster than dragons can fly behind them. It’s almost as if Daenerys wanted her dragons dead.
She doesn’t even seem to really mourn their deaths.
Viserion turned into a zombie dragon and Daenerys went right back to flirting with Jon.
Rhaegal got murked and she seemed more visually disturbed by Missandei’s death than her child being riddled with bullets right before her eyes.
Even Casey Anthony showed more emotion than Daenerys has.
What I Needed More Of
But deadass, where is Arya’s parade? Where is all the fanfare? All she gets is a half ass proposal from a one night stand who doesn’t understand boundaries?
How does Arya kill the biggest threat known to mankind and everyone spends the next night celebrating Jon Snow.
Jon is the genius who built a wall of fire BEHIND his army, sent the Dothraki to their death and had THEON of all people, defend Bran against the Night King.
Every time they pan to the people on Winterfell, it’s guys chopping wood and carving meat. That seems to be the only fucking thing to do in Winterfell. Their entire economy consists of carrying around logs from one end of the castle to the other.
And Jon looks at those men carrying logs in the background like ‘WHY CAN’T THAT BE ME?’. Meanwhile, everyone he’s ever met is like ‘Wow, you should be the king’.
But now that Winterfell is on the mind, can we quickly talk about The North being perceived as the most important region in the Seven Kingdoms?
Someone explain why Daenerys needs The North’s support?
Why couldn’t she have ridden down in Season 7 with the Dothraki, the Unsullied, three very alive healthy dragons and taken the throne?
The fuck did she need Jon Snow and Winterfell’s stock market of wood?
Who Won The Episode?
Cersei Lannister with a 4 game sweep winning every game by double digits.
She blew up the Sept and made herself queen by sheer force. She hired Euron and the Golden Company to reinforce her reign. She allowed all of her enemies to get devoured by zombies and she murdered a dragon.
Oh, and her ex is riding across the world on horseback to come protect her once again. And have you seen her fits? Wait til I become queen so I can really start dressing.
Arya is most likely going to stab Cersei in the face but in the meantime, we have to take this opportunity and respect the dynasty she’s built in King’s Landing. Give Cersei her flowers while she can still smell them.
Dear Game of Thrones, how can I care about your show when you clearly don’t anymore.
- No One Will Remember Colby Covington
- One Play From The Giants Loss To the Bears Demonstrates How Awful This Team Is And How Dumb I Am For Watching Them
- Kawhi Leonard Is a Genius For Teaming Up With Paul George in LA
- Kamala Harris Wears Shoes Wow, She’s Just Like Us!!!!!
- Celebrating Steve Cohen Purchasing The New York Mets Is So Fucking Weird