arya stark

Game of Thrones – Season 8 Episode 3: Arya Stark, Fuck Everything Else

Who won the Battle of Winterfell?

The Battle of Winterfell was the longest fight scene in the history of motion pictures and that’s mainly because The Night King walks with zero sense of urgency. If they moved Brann to King’s Landing, The Night King would still slowly be walking down there and Game of Thrones would last 7 more seasons of The Night King taking his time getting there.

This won’t be like previous episode reviews as there was no real narrative story to nitpick so instead, let’s rank who had the best performances of the night. Who won the battle of Winterfell?

  1. Arya Stark. Duh. Upon further reflection, there is no one else more deserving of ending the Longest Winter than a girl with no name.

Arya started off the night one a murdering spree like a drunk driver on the LIE in the middle of summer leaving a wine tasting in the Hamptons.

That library scene was the tensest I’d ever been watching this show. Thank GAWD those particular white walkers decided to move in slow motion and fumble around books that aren’t capable of reading instead of being the highspeed bloodthirsty white walkers down the hall.

But yo, when Melisandre draws up that play out of a timeout and Arya walks off screen only to launch out of a cannon at The Night King might’ve have been the great moment of Game of Thrones history.

All hail Arya Stark, The Prince Who Was Promised.

2. Cersei Lannister. Cersei played her hand perfectly.

Best case scenario, Daenerys’s army wins the war but suffers immeasurable casualties thus allowing Cersei’s armies to walk all over them.

Worst case scenario, Daenerys loses and the white walkers come for King’s Landing where she still has the Golden Company and the city’s built-in defenses. Plus, she’s gone full ‘If I die, I die’ mode after banging Euron so cool, you guys deal with your PTSD. I’ve got more wine to inject into my veins.

Cersei coming off a bye week is going to be a PROBLEM.

3. Melisandre. The Red Woman reminds me of this one girl I dated who has changed identities at least 20 times in the last 5 years. She’s gone from being all about Soul Cycle to EDM festivals to being a Hogwarts geek to being a diehard football fan and I think she’s a mom now(?) Is that a phase?

Melisandre’s quest to find Azor Ahai to help the Lord of Light, at the time, was incredibly frustrating and she was easy to hate. But as time has passed, it’s more clear that this woman was desperate to find meaning in life and have her lifelong religious faith pay off.

4. Brienne/Jaime. Out of all of the fight sequences from that battle, Brienne and Jaime were by far in the most compromised positions and due to contractual obligations and fan service, they were able to withstand the most brutal onslaught of nonstop white walkers with their backs quite literally against the wall.

Did you see all of those zombies climbing the wall? Brienne and Jaime just stood up there murdering millions? 2 vs. 1,000,000. Easy work. Not to mention all of the dead soldiers that revived in front of them.

I need to see that entire battle played back again but exclusively from their perspective. I feel like the white walkers took breaks to catch their breath at some point.

5. The Night King. Yes, it didn’t end well for ya boy but let’s not forget what he accomplished before that. I have thoughts about Jon’s plan but The Night King’s initial ‘throw a cold front at them bitches’ move was genius. You only adopted the cold, Jon. The Night King was born in it. He basically started the fight by throwing sand in Daenerys’s face and I respect those types of tactics.

Bonus points for murdering Theon. Couldn’t take his three season long redemption arc anymore. We get it. He was like, mean for an afternoon and had to make up for it. Kill that bitch already.

This isn’t advice for only The Night King but this goes for anyone, if you have a dragon, you should probably just stay on that dragon. Although, this show would’ve found a way for Arya to appear randomly behind him at a higher altitude than planes fly.

6. Lyanna Mormont. Real niggas do real things. RIP the goat.

7. Daenerys Targaryen. I was ready to shit on Dany this week. There are a legion of mindless zombies with one massive weakness: fire. Daenerys rides a dragon that breathes fire. This battle shouldn’t have lasted longer than 8 minutes. Dany blew it.

She also landed in the middle of a pit of zombies and let her dragon get stabbed a bajillion times. She already got one of her dragons sniped out of the sky last season. What a shitty ass parent.

BUT, she immediately redeemed herself when she hit the ground and after eight long seasons, she finally picked up a weapon. It took her 6 full seasons to finally cross the world and join the rest of the cast and 8 years for her to hold a sword.

Welcome to Game of Thrones, Daenerys.

8. The Hound. Respect to Sandor Clegane for his consistent move of sitting in the middle of a battlefield absolutely stupified. Like ‘oh yeaaa…war is bad. I forgot’.

9. Theon. The show has a complicated relationship with Theon. A man who simply wants approval from a father figure and was willing to do anything for a damn ‘good job, son’. I think people loved Robb Stark so much that they kind of ignored how sad Theon was from day one.

My man got his dick cut off and brutally tortured and then people booed him because he didn’t help Yara against Euron. My man’s got no dick. There is no reason for him to even still be alive. Anddd now he’s not. What a ride.

10. Jorah Mormont. All Jorah has wanted from episode 1 is just a little whiff of Khaleesi vag. A crumb of coochie. So to no one’s surprise, that’s how Jorah went out. Defending the tits he never got to touch.

11. Tormund. Didn’t do much but stayed alive to keep his name in the fight for Brienne.

12. Greyworm. Greyworm didn’t do shit.

He never really does. He kind of always seems to survive another day and you have to respect that. I don’t even think he got one single shot in the episode. Whatever he was doing, we don’t know about it.

13. Davos. Shout out Davos for chillin in the center of the battle the entire time with zero weapons and no white walkers bothering him at all. My man had a front row seat to the biggest battle in the history of mankind.

14. Podrick. Honestly disappointed that the entire fight wasn’t soundtracked by Podrick singing old tunes for no reason. Would’ve slipped him in the top 5 if a guitar was pulled out at some point.

15. Jon Snow. Ooookay time to talk about Jon Snow, the worst battle strategist of all time. Am I the only person who watched that episode confused as fuck by literally every single decision.

There is an entire makeshift wall moat thing that Melissandre ignites right in front of the castle to stop the white walkers (before the walkers just throw their bodies on it and take the wall down).

But what if…that makeshift wall was built in front of the entire army miles away from the front of the castle. Why let the entire Dothraki army die immediately when they could’ve slowed them down with the fire wall from the opening tip.

Let’s also discuss Jon’s genius move to ride out on dragons with Dany to go find the Night King. Jon, my dude. Um, The Night King was on his way. Maybe instead of leaving an army on the ground to get ripped to shreds by zombies, you simply hover above and burn all of the aforementioned zombies. The Night King is riding a fucking dragon, I don’t think you were going to miss him when he came close.

And Jon, the Night King is standing out in the open completely vulnerable. Maybe pick up that speed walk and turn it into a brisk jog before he resurrects thousands of dead soldiers. Jon Snow’s 40-yard dash time is atrocious.

And finally, you know The Night King is coming to rip Bran’s head off his shoulders. Theon is in charge of protecting him?? Beric Dondarrion has a fire sword and apparently can be stabbed infinity times without dying. Maybe send Theon out there with like, Greyworm’s troops or whatever and let Beric protect your brother.

I understand why Jon Snow was barking at that dragon. My man was ready to die and didn’t give a shit who was dying with him. This is your king??

16. Bran. Bran spent the entire fight flying around as a bird. Fuck Bran.

17. Tyrion/Sansa. That moment you realize your ex wasn’t so bad.

18. Dolorous Edd. Look, someone has to die first so that we know how high the stakes are. The second Edd dies, we are led to believe that everyone is about to die next. Absolutely no one died but that Edd death definitely made us think it was possible so that was effective in real time.

19. The Dothraki. No one died in this episode except for the brown people. Ok.

20. Samwell Tarly. Get this crybaby bitch who begged to be on the frontlines and immediately quivered in the corner the whole time OUT of here. He served his purpose. He saved Jorah and told Jon he’s a Targaryen. Rip Sam to shreds. I want him gone.


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Deadseriousness

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