game of thrones

Game of Thrones – Season 8 Episode 1: Stop Flirting…Fucking Zombies Are Coming

This is cute and all but um…the white walkers are coming yo.

The Game of Thrones season 8 premiere hit the streets on Sunday night and there wasn’t a single white walker in sight. They barely even mentioned the Night King’s arrival.

Everyone was too focused on batting their eyes and holding hands to remember that there are bloodthirsty ice monsters determined to murder every living human on the planet. But nah Arya and Gendry, keep spitting game. That’s important.

Let’s start with Cersei, the baddest bitch in Westeros who hit Euron Greyjoy with the meaaaan ‘you want a whore? Buy one. You want a queen? Earn one’. What a BAR. [Funkmaster Flex voice] THAT’S A MOTHERFUCKIN BAAAAAR.

Then she proceeded to let Euron hit like, 47 seconds later. What are Cersei’s priorities right now? She hired Bronn to go assassinate her brothers. Fair. Makes sense.

But why bang Euron? Is she sooo horny thinking about Bronn putting an arrow through Jaime’s face? Or is homegirl just lonely and hadn’t humped in awhile? Techinically, a woman her age is entering her sexual prime and Euron got caught in her horny crosshairs. Understandable.

Perhaps it’s hormones. Last season, she was pregnant. This season she appears to be back to chugging wine and we have no idea if she only pretended to be pregnant in order to manipulate Tyrion. Or she’s just an alcoholic tryna get that D by any means necessary. Understandable.

There is something very interesting going down with Cersei’s psychology. Unfortunately, there’s zero time to flesh that out or care in any way because again, ZOMBIES ARE COMING.

Speaking of impending doom, are we really supposed to care about Jon and Daenerys’s cute little flying on dragons scene? What show is this? Is this the Disney Channel? Get this cute first date shit out of here.

Someone explain to me why Daenerys is having the time of her life with Jon right now. Her dragon was murdered and turned into a zombie dragon like, 10 hours earlier. Dany and Cersei are both suuuper horny when they should be focused on a few other things at the moment.

Can we all stop flirting? There are only 6 episodes this season and the first episode was a complete waste. What are the stakes? Are we supposed to care about who is queen or are we supposed to focus on white walkers?

Which brings me to the biggest moment of the episode when Sam tells Jon that he’s the true heir to the throne and the son of Rhaegar Targaryen. That should be a monumental moment and I believe it would’ve been if 1. George RR Martin wrote it and the showrunners weren’t freestyling this whole thing and 2. if this show didn’t become ridiculously expensive to create and wasn’t rushed to the finish line.

We can’t even let the story of Jon’s true parents breath because it doesn’t matter. If the entire season is about preventing the end of the world, who cares if Jon is a Targaryen. These houses don’t matter anymore.

I cannot wait until Jon Snow awkwardly tell Daenerys that they’re related and Danerys doesn’t bat an eye because that’s what her family has participated in incest from day one. And then she quietly sends her dragons to rip him into pieces because she didn’t spend an entire season as a Dothraki slave to give up the crown to Jon’s sad ass.

This show needs to pick it’s priorities. Are we caring about zombies or thrones? Because this middle ground is frustrating and leading to a lot of potentially pointless scenes.

Who won the episode?

*eyeroll* everyone was so lame that they turned SANA STARK into the most sensible character on the show. She appears to be the only one who understands what’s going on.

Jon and Dany come riding in smiling and having the time of their life while Sansa is out here like ‘yo, we cannot feed the massive army you just marched into OUR home without any notice.’

Let’s not forget that Jon lost the Battle of the Bastards. It was Sansa who rode in with the Vale to save him. People have this belief that Jon is a good leader but he kind of just wings it and gets lucky more often than not.

Jon tells Sansa that he bent the knee because he needed Daenerys’s armies to help win the war. Here’s the thing. No, he didn’t. Why is Sansa the only questioning Daenerys’s motives and actions?

Later in the episode, Dany tells Sam that she murdered his family because they didn’t swear loyalty to her. Daenerys is a power hungry sociopath who doesn’t give a shit about anyone. Do we really believe that Khaleesi actually cares about the zombies or does she just want Jon to beat the walkers only to return and hand her The North?

I hate saying this. But Sansa Stark is the only one looking around the room like ‘what the fuck are we all doing’. Sansa won Episode 1. Uck.

Honorable Mention: Lyanna Mormont. Shout out to homegirl for always dunking on Jon at every opportunity she gets. Also love that she hasn’t even considered meeting Jorah. Huge fan of the idea that NO ONE cares about Jorah.

Everyone stop flirting plz. There are bigger things going on.


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TheLesterLee

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