Future is BACK with a brand new full length, probably too long length, album, The Wizrd, and he is back on his bullshit, to say the least. Drake is the king of the fuckboy anthems but Future adds a level of nuance to his disgusting treatment of women that makes him special.
Future’s ability to brag about how he pretty much treats women like Kleenex’s while simultaneously making it extremely clear that he is unhappy and wants to overdose makes him our fearless fuckboy leader. That level of self-awareness is unmatched in rap.
Future also has the ability to make you picture all of his best bars. “I just took an AK to a dinner date”. Future BACK. While boasting about mistreating women and being sad afterward, Future also exhibits the strongest element of fuckboy-ism. My man is a huge hypocrite.
On ‘Krazy but True’ he raps ‘your socks, rings, and your lean/The way you drop your mixtapes, your ad-libs and everything’ as he claims that rappers today are his sons. One of my favorite brags in rap. And then later in the album, he has tracks featuring Gunna and Travis Scott, two of his sons that he was just pissed at like, 5 minutes earlier.
Fuckboys are the best at being real shitty and then when girls are shitty to them they are baffled by those ‘dumb sluts’. This is the energy I need to start my 2019. Thank you, Future.
But speaking of starting 2019, I am introducing a new album review system in which every album will be getting a number out of a possible 100 based on 10 arbitrary inconsistent categories of my own selfish choosing. Welcome to Deadseriousness. Make yourself at home. Don’t touch anything.
Future has never and will never be a rappity-rap ‘party people, in the place to be’ rapper but outside of Pusha T’s cocaine bars, no one spits about drug culture better than Future.
Making Russell Wilson Uncomfortable 10/10
I obviously never played in an NFL locker room but I know enough to say that when the next NFL season starts, someone in the Seattle Seahawks locker room is going to play ‘Crushed Up’ and Russell Wilson has to akwardly listen to his wife’s ex who 1000% is still texting her at 5am every night.
‘Wheezy Outta Here’/’Tay Keith Fuck These Niggas Up’ 6/10
Wheezy and Tay Keith appear on 6 tracks combined which is not nearly enough. Both two producers dominated 2018 and I need them to have even stronger 2019s. The world needs him. Get Swizz Beats the fuck out of here.
Amount of Young Thug 3/10
Young Thug, the greatest rapper alive, only has one feature on this album which is better than no features but give this man some ad-libs on a different track or something. Every album needs Thugger on every track in some capacity.
Amount of Gunna 2/10
Everything I said about Young Thug but with Gunna’s name.
Future albums are a *vibe*. Some people complain that all of his songs sound the same and that you can’t tell when a track ends and a new one starts. But its a *viiiibe* man. Just chill and pop a pill.
Drug Encouragement 9/10
This would be a 10/10 but Future always goes a little too far when he raps about being high with tracks like ‘Call The Coroner’ and ‘Overdose’. Kind of a buzzkill, man.
The counter to *vibes* is that Future sounds bored as hell on this album. Remember when he made that weird piercing ‘La di da di da, slob on me knob’ hook on ‘King’s Dead’ last year? That was like, the only time Future has ever taken a real risk musically.
Fuckboy Bars 10/10
I was lettin’ the shit I can’t control destroy me
It was goin’ too deep for you, baby, pardon me
I tried to treat that shit just like a party
Ima feel weak if I tell you sorry
Aw, poor guy. Hope she comes back. I’m sure he’s a changed man.
the future documentary is truly something else pic.twitter.com/vCXo4ba7YH— Micah Peters (@micahpeters_) January 11, 2019
Final Album score: 69
Future The Wizrd, please grant me more life.