Alt-right grifter and tiny little tapeworm of a human, Jacob Wohl, decided to randomly start a rumor this week that Elizabeth Warren laid with a young male escort in hopes of…discrediting her campaign(??). Wow, the alt-right is dumb as shit.
Apparently Lizzy Warren was horny as hell and logged onto the male escort service ‘Cowboys4Angel’ to meet Kelvin Whelly, a marine turned whore and because he was a troop, you cannot deny anything he lies about. If you disagree then you don’t support the military. Simple mathematics.
Here’s, uh, their little press conference announcing their groundbreaking news:
If you watched all 26 minutes of that video then get dressed, the police will be arriving shortly.
Look at this Hitler young 10-year reunion over here.
It wasn’t very difficult for reporters to instantly discredit Warren’s secret lover after he claimed he went to Afghanistan in 2012. He wasn’t in the military until 2014.
I thought just saying you were a troop meant we had no choice but to believe you?
Not totally sure the purpose of a 26-minute long press conference describing all of the made up sex acts that occurred between this lonely sociopath and the future president but sure. Do your thing, supremacists.
But the most memorable moment from the press conference came when Mr. Whelly took his shirt off to reveal a SCAR left from his nights with Warren.
The world quickly ignored the dumb scar on his back and brought their full attention to this dumb man’s dumb xXx tattoo.
Nah, b. We’re not doing this.
Anyone who’s life was affected so dramatically after seeing the 2002 Vin Diesel led action film, xXx, must be ignored and forced to drink their own urine for the remainder of their days on Earth.
But if you get xXx tattooed on your back then it’s safe to assume you’re already chugging gallons of your own waste to begin with. “What bro? It’s sterile”.
This is the best sketch Saturday Night Live has done in years.
Jacob Wohl is really bad at this. Being racist and sexist is easy. Getting people to align themselves with your racist agenda, not so much. Especially when you’re a fucking idiot.
Last year, Wohl attempted to smear Robert Mueller by creating a fake sexual misconduct scandal. There was a company, Surefire Intelligence, that was investigating the claim which sounds borderline legit until it was discovered that the domain name for the company’s website was listed under Wohl’s email address.
Earlier this year, Wohl tried the same boring birtherism nonsense that racists used on Obama and lazily applied the same method to Kamala Harris claiming she was Canadian.
Racism is inherently stupid but Wohl somehow manages to add another dumber level to racism by thinking every black presidential candidate is from another country.
Wait until he finds out that black people are *whispers* born here too.
Then Wohl grabbed fellow alt-right tag team partner, Laura Loomer, and headed on up to Minnesota to say that Muslim Representative, Ilhan Omar, married her brother in order to get American citizenship.
Another unintentionally hilarious press conference followed.
But I didn’t write this article to run through Jake’s greatest baby-dick hits. Although, there are a few more that I could’ve rattled off.
As much as I enjoy reminding folks that the alt-right is nothing but Twitter eggs incubated under the warmth of MAGA hats and hatched into a world they do not understand outside of toxic Reddit forums, this article is about Elizabeth Warren.
There’s something interesting about the smear tactics used to discredit Liz here. J-Wohl was aware of the Me Too movement and attempted to get Robert Mueller swept up in that wave.
He saw the Tea Party use birtherism to slow Barack Obama down and for a moment, it actually worked. Again, it was dumb to run the same exact tactic against Kamala but we’ve already established that Jacob Wohl has the intelligence of a man who would befriend a guy with a xXx tattoo.
But his desire to frame Elizabeth Warren as a ‘cougar’ who paid for wild sex is uh, odd, to say the least.
In his mind, the worst thing an older woman can do is…sex?
Donald Trump paid Stormy Daniels SIX FIGURES for her very unpackaged box while his wife was home pregnant as hell and the right didn’t think it was a big deal at all.
But somehow Lizzy Dubs sleeping with a young escort is supposed to end her campaign? And ew they used dildos?? How can I vote for a woman who has intercourse? What am I supposed to tell my children?
Let’s make one thing clear: Women enjoy sex as well. But it’s not surprising that Jacob Wohl isn’t aware of that.
We are in the midst of uncovering all of the disgusting acts Jeffrey Epstein and his pals (including Donald Trump) did to teenage little girls. There are assholes on the right trying to decipher what age it’s ok to bang a teenager. That’s the conversation surrounding Epstein. Were they really that young?
Yet, we are expected to remove Elizabeth Warren from our ballots because she had sex with a weirdo in his mid 20’s? This says less about Wohl’s little brain and more about the people on the right who believe women should on a macro level—not exist—and on a micro level—not enjoy sex, unless of course they are 17 and on a yacht with Bill Clinton.
I know Wohl is full of shit but god, I hope Warren is out here having sex with whips and chains every night. She deserves it. This election is stressful as hell. Let Elizabeth Warren cum in peace and mind your business.
Plus she slept with a soldier? Name a candidate who supports the troops more than Liz? Bernie Sanders could never.
Also, shout out Vin Diesel. xXx wasn’t your fault. 2002 was a wild year for movies. No one knew any better. Freddie Prinze Jr starred in a live-action Scooby Doo movie. It was absolute chaos in theatres.
But most importantly, Let Liz hump.