The NFL season is upon us this weekend and since sitting down to write this, Antonio Brown has been on and off the Raiders twice and is now about to have push-up competitions with Julian Edelman during halftimes.
No team enters the season as a finished product. Every franchise has questions but only some of those franchises have answers.
Here are each NFL team’s biggest question mark heading into the 2019 season:
1. Who will the Arizona Cardinals draft No. 1 after Kyler Murray gets murdered?
There is so much going against Kyler Murray and there’s nothing about Murray that should make you feel comfortable about him overcoming those obstacles.
He’s playing behind the worst offensive line in an offensive scheme that requires him to sit in the pocket longer with minimum protection as deep routes develop.
His head coach has done nothing but fail in college and somehow failed upwards into an NFL position that will 1000% chew him up and spit him out.
Oh, and after watching Jalen Hurts’s debut for Oklahoma, it’s very clear that Lincoln Riley had a lottttt to do with Kyler’s success. Murray is 4’10. Jadeveon Clowney is going to rip him in half.
2. Does it matter that Julio Jones has no idea where the endzone is?
In the last two season, Julio Jones has played all 32 games. Dope. He has 11 touchdowns in those two full seasons. Antonio Brown, Eric Ebron, Davante Adams, Tyreek Hill and DeAndre Hopkins all had more receiving TDs in 2018 alone.
Julio just signed one of the biggest contracts in NFL history. If touchdowns decide wins and losses and there’s a player who never scores any, personally I wouldn’t pay them but Atlanta is just different that way.
3. Does Lamar Jackson know how to throw a football?
Lamar Jackson was 6-1 last season after taking over for Joe Flacco and the only loss came to the Kansas City Chiefs, the best team in the AFC. But the reason they lost that game and lost in the playoffs against the Chargers is because the Ravens didn’t trust Lamar to open the playbook up and let him throw.
Baltimore signed Mark Ingram and drafted Hollywood Brown to support Lamar out there. But uh yea, he’s going to need to complete more than 58% of his passes.
4. Will Josh Allen win both the MVP AND Offensive Player of the Year awards?
Josh Allen is the best quarterback in the NFL and no one can tell me otherwise. Every time he snaps the ball it’s a roulette spin. Anything can happen. It could be a 70-yard bullet down the field. A 70-yard bullet that sailed over his receiver’s head as he stands 10-yards away confused as fuck. It could be tipped at the line of scrimmage and picked off for a touchdown return. Or he just could just take off and rush 50 yards after juking CJ Mosely out of his cleats.
5. Cautious Cam?
Is this the year that the Panthers offensive line keeps Cam Newton upright and healthy for 16 games? Is this the year he stays in the pocket and trusts his receivers to get open without taking off and getting crushed by linebackers?
We don’t need anymore weird Doug Gottlieb takes after Cam is forced to retire early because his kidneys explode as he dives for the endzone and Cameron Jordan spears him like Edge at Wrestlemania.
6. Mitch gonna suck every game or some of the games?
Sucks. He’s going to suck.
7. Will Zac Taylor win 1 game?
Zac Taylor has a head coaching job because he worked with Sean McVay. Not because he’s as accomplished as McVay but because they’re boys. Good for Cincinnati for taking a risk or whatever but there is absolutely no reason to believe that Taylor is qualified for this position.
And the Bengals roster is going to do Taylor no favors with AJ Green and left tackle, Jonah Williams, out with injuries. And of course, Andy Dalton out there healthy as hell. 0-16 watch.
8. Did Dave Gettleman swindle the Browns?
It’s only Week 1 and Odell Beckham has already come out and said that his hip doesn’t work. The man who was constantly suffering from injuries and was quietly shut down last season due to his health might actually be injured 24/7 and Gettleman stole one of the Browns best offensive lineman and some draft picks for the expensive battered superstar.
Olivier Vernon isn’t hurt yet but trust me, it’s coming.
9. Who will Zeke attack next?
Ezekiel Elliot is officially the highest paid running back in NFL history. Congrats to Dallas for giving this maniac the greenest of green lights to continue attacking men, women and children.
I’m actually not even really kidding. I genuinely believe Ezekiel is going to get drunk and hurt someone. He’s faced zero consequences so far besides a suspension that didn’ even effect his contract negotiations. If anything, that suspension showed his value to the team making him more irreplaceable. Everyone in Dallas, be safe.
10. Joe Flacco resurgence?
Lololololololol jkjk. You can’t have a ‘resurgence’ when there was never an actual ‘surgence’ to begin with.
11. How soon until Matt Patricia is fired?
With the way Trubisky has started off this season and how tentative Green Bay looks in Matt LeFleur’s new system, the window is open for Matt Patricia and this dumb motherfucker is blasting the AC with that window open.
The players in Detroit didn’t respect him last season and I’m not sure what magically changed to make people trust the guy who wears a pencil but carries a laminated paper. That’s like when Ben McAdoo just showed up with slick dack hair and sunglasses. These are grown ass men. They know when you’re being phony with them.
12. Does Aaron Rodgers know his head coach’s name?
Matt LaFleur is for sure being called Mike McCarthy for at least the remainder of this season but that’s partly because Aaron Rodgers is an asshole who would definitely pretend to not know someone’s name to prove some point.
13. Is Laremy Tunsil worth a bajillion first round picks?
The Houston Texans went all in the weekend before the season started and flipped their roster sending all of their first round picks to Miami for an above average left tackle and Kenny Stills, a wide receiver they didn’t really need.
Super Bowl or bust indeed.
14. When is Andrew Luck coming back?
We can all write cute little pieces saying that the Colts can still make the playoffs without Andrew uck and that Jacoby Brissett isn’t that great of a drop off but those would be dumb things to say/write/think/believe.
Andrew Luck is a once in a generation talent and Brissett is a career backup soooo when is Luck coming back? My guess is right after their bye week when the team is winless.
15. Are we sure Nick Foles is better than Blake Bortles?
I think that Jags defense is going to bounce back and return to one of the toughest in the NFL. I also believe Leonard Fournette is going to bounce back and lead the league in rushing.
But why are we pretending like Nick Foles is astronomically better than Blake Bortles? The last time he entered a season as QB1 was 2015 with the Rams. He was 4-7 and replaced by Case fucking Keenum. We’re just shuffling the deck of backups here.
16. Can Mahomes do it again?
This isn’t that interesting to me personally. Even if Mahomes doesn’t match his record stats from last season, he is still that much better than most quarterbacks in the NFL. Shrug.gif.
17. Will Philip Rivers have another child?
Philip Rivers has 76 kids. Each one representing every heartbreaking disappointing moment in his meaningless NFL career. What will end him this year? Missed field goal? Blocked punt? Tom Brady?
18. Does Todd Gurley have knees?
Todd Gurley vanished from the postseason last year with no real diagnoses until this spring when we all learned that Gurley has arthritis in his knees which isn’t great for a man whose entire job involves, ya know, his knees not having arthritis.
But it’s being reported that Gurley isn’t on a pitch count this season and will be back out there as if the injury never happened which is great for the Rams and terrible for Todd Gurley age 40. “Live every day like it’s your lastttt” *kiss emoji* *post instagram selfie*
19. Can an NFL team tank?
Some theorize that it is impossible to tell a locker room full of professional football players not to try hard and don’t worry about winning games because it’s too violent of a sport to half-ass it.
Solution to that problem: throw Josh Rosen out there to singlehandedly lose those games for you.
20. Will Dalvin Cook hide Kirk Cousins’s suckiness?
In 2017, Dalvin Cook tore his ACL and 2018 he limped back out there but clearly wasn’t 100% yet. This season, Cook is healthy as hell ready to relieve Cousins of some passing duties.
Kirk Cousins should not be throwing the ball as frequently as he was last season. It literally got his offensive coordinator fired because they just never ran the ball. Cousins was 4th in passing attempts. The Vikings missed the playoffs.
21. How high is Josh Gordon?
Wait til Josh Gordon starts taking whatever the hell Antonio Brown hands him after a game. We may never see Josh Gordon again.
22. Does Alvin Kamara need Mark Ingram?
For Kamara’s entire career, he shared a backfield with Mark Ingram who is now in Baltimore running their 1950’s rush only offense which means Kamara will be the workhorse in New Orleans.
Last season, Ingram was gone serving a 4-game suspension. In that time Kamara totaled 275 yards rushing, 336 yards receiving and six touchdowns. Mad decent.
23. When will the Giants finally get Eli the fuck out of here?
We all just witnessed the greatness of future Hall of Famer Daniel Jones yet for some reason Eli Manning’s old inaccurate ass is still not only number one on the depth chart but on the team in general.
How many consecutive losing seasons is this man allowed to have before he loses his job? Infinity apparently.
24. Will you people finally realize that Adam Gase is a fraud?
I can’t preach enough how much I do not understand why people think Adam Gase is going to unlock some new level of Sam Darnold as if we didn’t just watch him do absolutely fucking nothing with Ryan Tannehill.
Who can forget all of those magical years when he turned Jay Cutler into an MVP. Oh, that never happened? So you mean to tell me that people think Gase is an offensive genius because he was the coordinator when Peyton Manning broke the single season passing record? A record he could’ve broken with ME as the OC?
Laugh out loud.
25. Is Antonio Brown going to bring a gun to the facility?
Serious school shooter vibes here. Let’s um, keep an eye on Antonio Brown, a man who is clearly making decisions with the sole purpose of getting Youtube subscribers. If you get an alert that Brown has gone live and you see he’s back at Oakland’s practice facility call the authorities immeeeeziately.
26. Can Josh McCown lead the Eagles back to the Super Bowl?
The original question was going to be ‘Can Carson Wentz finally stay healthy?’ but we all know the answer is no. There is no better gig in sports than backup quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles.
You let Carson Wentz have an MVP caliber season for about 10-13 weeks and then you slide in and lead the final push through the playoffs. Receive all the glory and admiration. Make some extra millys from it and eternal love from an entire city. Noooot bad.
27. James Conner? JuJu Smith-Schuster?? Whomst???
James Conner and JuJu Smith-Schuster proved that they are talented football players last season. But you know who they are 1000% not as good as? Le’Veon Bell and Antonio Brown, two of the greatest skill players in NFL history.
Plus, there is no one left in that locker room to challenge Ben Roethlisberger, a man who is a sociopath with weird (and well documented) control issues. One thing goes wrong and this man is pointing the finger ant Conner and Smith-Schuster. Do you honestly believe that Pittsburgh is about to be drama free? There is one constant and it’s the overweight rape master general.
28. Jimmy G sucks, right?
29. Is Clowney a bigger difference maker than Earl Thomas?
We all know that the Legion of Boom is long over. Richard Sherman and Kam Chancellor are gone and as much as I mocked Earl Thomas last season, he was the biggest playmaker on that defense. Bobby Wager may have been the leader and most consistent player and although he is still in Seattle, losing Earl Thomas definitely matters.
I think Jadeveon Clowney is about to have the season Khalil Mack had last year. A guy who just wanted the money he deserved and was traded to a far superior defense with nothing but a green light to kill quarterbacks.
30. Bruce Arians: Quarterback whisperer?
It’s still wild that Bruce Arians came out of retirement for Jameis of all quarterbacks. Since entering the league, Jameis leads all quarterbacks in both turnovers and Uber driver sexual assaults. But that’s who Arians thinks he can turn around.
They will both be out of Tampa by this time next year.
31. Who is QB1?
Ryan Tannehill is good enough to be a starting quarterback in this league and I’m not sure Marcus Mariota is which mayyy lead to a bit of a power struggle in Tennesee. I suspect this team will be losing. Often. Which will give these two plenty to fight about this year.
Personally, think these two should have a Bloodsport-esque Kumite battle to the death.
32. Will anyone watch Washington games on purpose?
- Zion Williamson is Cool or Whatever But Brandon Ingram Is Leading The Pelicans To The Playoffs
- Put Some Respect on Angelina Jolie’s Name
- Joe Burrow is Who Baker Mayfield Thinks He Is
- We Need To Have A Conversation About Patrick Mahomes’s Girlfriend
- Kyrie Irving is a Sociopath Put On This Earth To Ruin Team Chemistry