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Drake’s Scorpion is 25 Tracks of Him Saying ‘I Swear I’m a Good Dad’ Over and Over Again

You. Are. Hide. Ing. A. Child.

Drake lost.

Before I go any further I need to state clearly that Pusha T dunked on Drake’s head, hung from the rim and them pulled Drake’s pants down in front of an arena full of innocent bystanders.

Drake should’ve renamed Scorpion to ‘You Are Hiding a Child’ because that was pretty much the theme of the entire project. Instead of punching back at The Story of Adidon, Drake decided to basically rewrite his entire album to let people know that yes, he has a son and yes, he like, met him once or whatever.

But we’ll circle back around to March 14th, the final track on this album where he tries to quickly throw in that he’s only met his son once for like, an afternoon.

The first half of this album is Aubrey rapping like a tough guy as if we didn’t see what Pusha did to him. ‘I’m lightskin but I’m still a dark nigga’. Nah Drake, those days are over. Honestly, after seeing that photo of him in blackface, I don’t think Drake can say the n-word anymore. The N-word is a privilege. Not a right.

drake pusha t

Whenever a song starts with ‘Tay Keith, fuck these niggas up’ I’m expecting a song that’s going to make me drop everything I’m doing and hit the shoot dance for 3 minutes straight. ‘Nonstop’ deserved better than what Drake gave us. That’s the case for most of the beats on this album.

“My Mount Rushmore is me with four different expressions”

Man oh man does Drake need Quentin Miller back on the payroll feeding him better lines than that. 25 tracks of Drake saying the lamest, most fuckboy shit he’s ever said in a monotone bored voice.

Drake is a grown ass man and half of Scorpion is dedicated to him stalking random girls’ Instagram activity. It’s cool. He’s just like us. I get it. I can’t hear 25 tracks of making girls feel bad for doing anything outside of giving you attention, Aubrey.

But I can’t keep pretending like I wasn’t listening to this album waiting for a Pusha T response but instead we got excuses for why he’s not in his kid’s life with lines like ‘I wasn’t hiding my kid from the world, I was hiding the world from him’.

What?

Drake has evolved to next level of fuckboy. Fuckdad, where he is now somehow blaming US for him being an absent father. Ah yes, it’s the world’s fault for you only seeing your son once.

He also decided to use a sample from Maury on the song Final Fantasy where a woman yells out ‘that baby looks like Drake’. Why use a weird paternity test sample? It comes off as if you still partly want it to be known ‘hey like, that baby might actually not be mine so ya know, just keep that in mind’.

And the internet did the math based off of some evidence from the porn star’s Instagram on when this kid was born. The date was October 10th. You know what Drake was doing on October 10th?

My man was in a hospital visiting Odell Beckham Jr who had just had ankle surgery. Ankle surgery. Drake was holding his hand up all night praying bedside that Odell would recover from an ankle injury while his son was being born god knows where. So many missed calls that he ignored because he was dancing with his Bae.

Scorpion is fine and it’s going to break every streaming record because that’s what happens when you’re the biggest rap artist in the world dropping 25 track albums. Of course it’s going to get streams.

And it’s not all garbage. Nice For What and In My Feelings are the most popular songs from this album for a reason. Drake loves stealing sounds and genres and this year he decided that New Orleans bounce music was just going to belong to him now. It worked.

I hope Keke does love him.


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