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How to Not Suck at Fantasy Football

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It’s late August, the summer is coming to an abrupt close, and you are spiraling into debt and/or depression.  Just when you’re on the edge of offing yourself because there is nothing to do but drink and watch Baseball you see the light at the end of the tunnel–FOOTBALL SEASON! Its officially time to start playing fantasy football with your buddies and you may or may not need a crash course on what to expect for the upcoming fantasy season.  Have no fear, Big Sexy is here!  For all you know I’ve never lost in Fantasy Football. The very first thing you need to figure out is who you are playing with.  Know your enemy and don’t spend the big bucks if you’re not prepared to lose the big bucks.  Look to play with little cousins or chicks and completely take advantage of them.  Say things like, “Yeah I heard Mark Sanchez is gonna have a phenomenal year! But I already have my heart set on Josh Freeman.  Boy I hope no one picks them up before I do.”  You know, get in their heads, reverse psychology. butt fumble   The second thing you have to do is name your team.  This may be the most important step in the process.  You need to come up with something so funny it can distract the other players from your shitty record.  For example my team name for one of my leagues is the Michael Sam Sack Attacks.  Laugh out loud funny right there.  Or you could just google it, I just found Clayton Matthews. clayton matthews   Then there’s your draft order.  I’m not gonna sit here and tell you who your starting lineup should be, but I can tell you who to not pick.  Any Jets, Raiders, Jaguars, pretty much most of the AFC East and South, with obvious exceptions.  And also make sure the player your drafting is still in the league…  On ESPN Terrell Owens is still considered a free agent.  Just a heads up, don’t pick him. to   Once the season starts you need to keep up with your lineup.  No one likes that guy.  No one.  We like to call these people Tacos.  If you’re familiar with “The League” then you know this reference, and if you’re not- get your head out of your ass and go watch the show. Anyway, against a Taco you spend a whole bunch of time setting your lineup and deciding who to pick up and who to drop then Sunday comes around and you realize the guy you’re playing has no QB or WRs even playing… But then somehow the one RB they have in gets like 125 points and you still lose. taco Happy playing fella’s.

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Deadseriousness

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