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Dear Mackenzie Tuttle, Will You Marry Me?

Amazon CEO, world’s richest man, and iguana eater Jeff Bezos announced on Wednesday that he and his wife MacKenzie are getting divorced after 25 years of marriage.

“As our family and close friends know, after a long period of loving exploration and trial separation, we have decided to divorce and continue our shared lives as friends,” the couple wrote in the statement shared on Twitter. “If we had known we would separate after 25 years, we would do it all again.”

The split seems pretty amicable, but it’s still got that dramatic edge tabloids love thanks to its alleged price tag. TMZ reports there is around $137 billion on the line in this divorce. Of course, it’s not surprising that the world’s richest man would go on to have the world’s most expensive divorce.


*insert gif of that sharp-dressed wolf from the old MGM cartoons with his eyes popping out of his head and his jaw hitting the floor when he sees an attractive woman walk in*

$137 BILLION????

Mackenzie Tuttle, I know you’re coming out of a serious relationship and I’m not looking to complicate things for you. We can take our time. There’s no rush.

But once that divorce with that monster Jeff Bezos is finalized (and that $137 BILLION goes into your bank account) I will be here ready to treat you correctly.

Unlike your ex, I’m not a maniac trying to take over the world. I mean, I definitely am but ya know, not so publicly. I’m more of a behind the scenes/in the shadows takeover kind of cat.

And I would never make you work for my company like Jeff did. All you have to do is simply cut a check or no even better, we’ll just make a joint bank account and you won’t even have to worry about me. You’ll have so much space to yourself.

Have I mentioned how beautiful you are, Mackenzie? You’re so beautiful and rich and beautiful. Fuck Jeff Bezos. Will you marry me?

sidenote: if anyone knows Mackenzie Tuttle and can forward this to her, that’d be greaaaaat.




Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee if you want to come to our wedding. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Follow on Instagram so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.


Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

E-mail to talk directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

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