Last week I served up the Deadseriousness Mid-Year 2017 TV Awards. Well, I haven’t just spent this whole year binge watching every show available. I’ve also seen every movie. While most people are punching the clock, I’m at the theatres pretending like I understand what’s going on in Alien: Covenant.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve seen way more movies that came out this year than I feel comfortable disclosing right now. Who else do you know that’s seen Power Rangers and Manifesto1 the same weekend? I hate me.
Anyway, here are the Deadseriousness Mid-Year 2017 Movie Awards:
The ‘Best Cast With The Worst Movie’ Award: Kong Skull Island
King Kong is one of my favorite movie characters of all time because he and I have so much in common. We are both considered dangerous apes by shitty people. We both love blonde women. We both just want to chill on an hidden island somewhere and be left alone.
King Kong. Tom Hiddleston. Brie Larson. Sam Jackson. John Goodman. John C. Reily. Awful movie. For shame.
Best Movie That Makes White People Uncomfortable: Get Out
Imagine being in an interracial relationship and going to see Get Out together? Ah, to be a fly on the wall of that awkward car ride home. I’m not into scary movies because I’m not 14 years old but if scary movies are going to go back to having social messages instead of just being Saw-esque snuff films, then perhaps I’ll sneak my way back into the genre.
The ‘There Aren’t Enough Asian Stars Because We Refuse To Cast Asian Stars’ Award: Ghost in the Shell
Ghost in the Shell was so incredibly racist and their attempt to defend their racism made this movie 1000 times more racist. The original Japanese story is about a JAPANESE woman named Motoko Kusanagi who suffered an accident and was basically half human half machine.
In this movie, Scarlett Johannson plays Miran Killan, so already they just made this story mega white. Later in the movie she finds out that she lost her memory and that she actually is Motoko Kusanagi but her brain was put into the robot body of a white woman and what makes it worse is that they keep saying it’s the ‘perfect’ robot. White is perfect, according to Ghost in the Shell.
The Quickest End To The Beginning of a ‘Shared Universe’ Franchise Award: The Mummy
The Mummy was supposed to be the beginning to the ‘Dark Universe’ monster movie thing. Yup, that’s dead.2
Best Accidental ‘Drive’ Prequel: Baby Driver
Theory: Baby Driver is a prequel to Drive. This movie came out like, 3 days ago so I don’t want to go into detail but just trust me.
The ‘I Swear I Didn’t Cry At The End’ Award: Logan
I swear I didn’t cry okay. Like, I was filled with adrenaline watching Wolverine stab people in the face. I totally didn’t tear up when Laura called Logan ‘daddy’. I jumped on the back of a motorcycle and banged a large breasted stripper after I saw this movie. I swear I didn’t cry.
Best Movie Where a Director Was Given a Blank Check To Make Anything He Wanted And He Made An Awful Movie About Dead Kids: The Book of Henry
I’ll explain this as simply as I could. Colin Trevorrow directed Jurassic World which made infinity dollars so a movie studio basically allowed him the make his dream movie. That movie was The Book of Henry in which a boy watches his neighbor get physically abused by her dad. Then randomly out of nowhere for no reason, the boy gets a brain tumor and dies like, halfway through the movie.
The Book of Henry has a pretty chill 22% on Rotten Tomatoes. Oh, and now Colin Trevorrow is directly Star Wars Episode 9. The man can’t stop failing up. Goals.
The ‘Disney Doesn’t Yet Have The Tools To Handle Homosexuality’ Award: Beauty and The Beast
Ever since Walt Disney went full hell against the Jews many many years ago, Disney has yet to figure out the nuances of minorities. After sort of gay villains like Scar and Ursala, LeFou in Beauty and The Beast was weird and not fully fleshed out and weird.
The ‘Wonder Woman Is the Best Movie Of The Year Award: Wonder Woman
I will never know what it’s like to be a woman but after watching Wonder Woman, I felt like a strong independent woman ready to tackle the world. Wonder Woman was that moment where Mary Tyler Moore throws her hat in the air.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, that scene where Diana stands in the trenches and just eats machine gun fire is Susan B. Anthony’s face being built on Mount Rushmore. It’s the moment where Amelia Earhart comes home. It’s Janis Joplin putting the syringe down. It’s Joan of Arc being a war hero and growing old on a pile of medals and gold. It’s Sacajawea being put on a dollar instead of an inconvenient coin. It’s that feeling that Dolly Parton has every morning when her wig and makeup are perfect. It’s Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston becoming friends and talking about Brad Pitt’s tiny dick.
Wonder Woman is the best movie of the year (so far).