The 2019 NFL season is upon us which means we’re that much closer to the NBA returning. But ignoring the awful debates you’re about to have with coworkers over Colin Kaepernick and why your coworker doesn’t think it’s a problem that every NFL team has one guy who beats his wife under contract, let’s make some wild predictions.
Here is the OFFICIAL Deadseriousness 2019 NFL season preview:
Coach of the Year: Freddie Kitchens
Winning the coach of the year is easy. You either have to enter the season with super low expectations and exceed those expectations or simply improve your team’s record from the previous season.
Kitchens will Coach of the Year due to the latter. The Browns have been the worst team in the NFL since The Mayflower landed so when they make the playoff this season, Kitchens will win this award by default.
Daniel Jones Jared Goff
I am going to predict Jared Goff winning the MVP trophy every season until it happens. It is inevitable. The Rams are the best team in the NFC and Goff is leading that squad back to the Super Bowl.
Disclaimer: If Patrick Mahomes throws 70 touchdowns then yea, ignore this.
Offensive Player of the Year: Saquon Barkley
The Offensive Player of the Year award is essentially the Running Back of the Year trophy and this decision was between Saquon and Christian McCaffrey but I think writers will hold the Panthers disappointing season against McCaffrey. OH, the Panthers are going to miss the playoffs.
Saquon Barkley may never lead the league in rushing but his ability to catch screen passes and rack up yards from scrimmage will win him this award. He literally is the entire Giants offense this year.
Defensive Player of the Year: Von Miller
We all watched Vic Fangio lead that Chicago Bears defense to No. 1 in the NFL last season. Khalil Mack was great in Oakland but under defensive coordinator, Vic Fangio, Mack turned into one of the greatest pass rushers we’ve ever seen.
The Broncos might fuck around and actually have a decent season with Joe Flacco coming in and being able to throw the deep ball, a skill that has evaded Case Keenum thus far. And most importantly, Von Miller is about to have a career resurgence.
Offensive Rookie of the Year: David Montgomery
I love that running backs are both super replaceable and indispensable at the same time. *chef’s kiss* the nuance.
But I do believe teams with great running backs have more success than teams without them which sounds reductive and obvious but we watched the Rams get to the Super Bowl because of Todd Gurley and then lose because he spent more time on the sidelines riding that elliptical than actually carrying the football.
THAT BEING SAID, David Montgomery is a beast.
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Josh Allen
I have a bias towards Josh Allen’s and I won’t hide that. The New York Giants should’ve scooped up Allen instead of drafting a quarterback that would’ve been available in the 4th round. He landed in the Jaguars lap.
How soon we forget that Jacksonville had the No. 1 defense in 2017. Most of those players are still there and now you’re throwing Josh Allen in the center of it to wreck shit.
Comeback Player of the Year: David Johnson
This was between David Johnson and Leonard Fournette considering they both had absolutely abysmal 2018 campaigns but with all eyes on Kyler Murray and Kliff Kingsbury in Arizona, David Johnson is going to remind the world that he’s still one of the best backs in the NFL and his wrist just like, really hurt last year.
Also, Le’Veon Bell is an easy choice but do you really believe the baby boomer voters are going to pick a guy who chose not to play for a year due to a contract dispute? Their fathers worked in coal mines and were paid $5 once every six months. They hate Le’Veon.
Most Improved Player of the Year: Josh Allen
Haaaad to sneak my boy into this 2019 NFL preview. Had to. Could not not. This is the season that makes or breaks Allen’s career. He will either show the world that he’s a combo of Tim Tebow and his mentor, Nathan Peterman or he’ll demonstrate the Aaron Rodgers in his game.
Most Touchdown Passes: Patrick Mahomes
There is no need to attempt to be different or contrary. Patrick Mahomes will have the most passing touchdowns. Easily.
Most Rushing Yards: Leonard Fournette
Leonard Fournette SZN. The only thing preventing me from writing Jacksonville into the playoffs is that Nick Foles is one of the worst starting quarterbacks in the NFL and the Jaguars are going to regret that contract by this time next week.
But Fournette is coming back for blood. Also, fuck Ezekiel Elliot.
Most Receptions: Antonio Brown
If you think Davante Adams will have the most catches, that answer will also be accepted but here’s the thing about Antonio Brown: he’s insane. He is about to bully Derek Carr into 30 targets a game.
Antonio Brown seems like the type of cat who would legit cut Derek Carr’s breaks if he doesn’t throw the ball to him enough times. AB didn’t try to fight Big Ben because Ben would beat his ass but Derek Carr cried last season because he was tackled too hard. Antonio Brown is going to put a bar of soap in an old sock and beat Derek Carr in the showers if he doesn’t finish a game with 15 catches.
Most Sacks: Myles Garrett
Cleveland is going to drop a lot of touchdowns on people’s heads which means teams will be playing from behind which means they’ll have to throw the ball which gives Myles Garrett plenty of opportunities to murder opposing quarterbacks. That’s just simple mathematics.
Most Interceptions: Earl Thomas
I made fun of Earl Thomas a lot last season. Like, every chance I could get actually. It’s still hilarious to angrily holdout when you have absolutely no leverage. You keep giving interviews about how you want to get paid and the Seattle Seahawks aren’t returning your calls. Pete Carroll didn’t even notice Thomas wasn’t in camp. Melvin Gordon has a day or two to come back to the Chargers before I mock him next.
Anyway, Earl Thomas is still the best safety in the NFL until proven otherwise and he’s the best player on a Baltimore defense that I predict will lead the NFL in forced turnovers.
Worst Team: Cincinnati Bengals
The Miami Dolphins are tanking. The problem is, Ryan Fitzpatrick is going to lead the league in yards while Andy Dalton is going to be the worst starter in the league. Andy Dalton is about to make Eli Manning look like Peyton. Nick Foles and Case Keenum stink but they’re not Andy Dalton level bad.
Zac Taylor isn’t going to work and he might join the recently growing list of NFL coaches getting fired after only one year with the team. The Browns, Ravens and Steelers are going to pound Cincinnati to dust. At least Miami has their annual ‘surprise’ victory over the Patriots to look forward to.
Super Bowl Matchup: NEW YORK GIANTS VS. WHOEVER
Or Rams vs. Chiefs. Whichever.
- Sign Brett Gardner To 1-Year Deals Forever
- Sam Darnold Catching Mono Proves He Can’t Be a Franchise Quarterback
- It’s 2019 and Dwight Howard is Still the Lamest Human on Planet Earth
- Juuls Don’t Kill People, People Do
- This Motherfucker Really Raped a Girl He Met At BIBLE STUDY