The 2018-19 regular season has come to an end and it’s time to celebrate the best basketball players in the world. Everyone decided in the offseason that they were all going to put up historic numbers so this was difficult to decide which numbers were important and which numbers were Russell Westbrook’s.
Also, someone send this to the NBA league office so that I get actual votes next year. I deserve it more than Bill Simmons.
Anyway, here are the Deadseriousness 2019 NBA Awards:
Offensive Player of the Year: James Harden
It’s weird that the NBA gives an award to the best defensive player and doesn’t acknowledge the best offensive player. And no, the best offensive player does not in anyway mean the Most Valuable Player.
The NFL has an Offensive Player of the Year and he is rarely ever also the recipient of the MVP award.
James Harden averaged 36.1 points per game. He scored 2,818 points and made 378 3’s which is second most all-time behind Steph Curry.
Harden’s streak of 30+ points was historic. Everything he achieved this season was second in NBA history behind Wilt Chamberlain. Chamberlain’s statistical records are ridiculous and borderline fake. Harden being near those numbers deserves all the praise in the world.
Most Washed Award: Isaiah Thomas
Isaiah Thomas played 12 games this season for the Denver Nuggets. He averaged 8 points and shot 27% from the 3-point line. His season high was 16 points. He was a -4 +/- that game. *squints* is that Larry Hughes?
The Robin Award: The Indiana Pacers
We award the best players and for some random reason, we award the guy who comes off the bench and scores a lot. But we don’t ever acknowledge the second best players that partner up with the best players.
This season, the entire Pacers roster will be taking home this trophy as they are all sidekicks to Victor Oladipo and all equally joined forced to keep the ship floating after Oladipo’s knee exploded.
The Yo, Can Someone Get This Guy a Robin Award: Blake Griffin
Blake Griffin is trying so fucking hard to carry the Detroit Pistons, it literally hurts to watch. Watching Griffin play basketball is both hilarious and agonizing. It’s hilarious seeing him iso and dribble between his legs over and over and over like he’s an NBA 2K MyPlayer doing a ballhandling workout.
It’s agonizing because if he’s not isoing, he has to pass the ball to Reggie Jackson and Luke Kennard. If the second best player on your team is Langston Galloway then you’re not a basketball team.
The Best Backcourt Award: Brooklyn Nets
I hate giving the New Jersey Nets any credit. Get out of Brooklyn and return to the Turnpike where you belong. BUT, I can’t not acknowledge the rise of the most interesting backcourt combo in the NBA.
The three-headed monster of D’Angelo Russell, Spencer Dinwiddie and Caris LeVert was a PROBLEM for opposing defenses this year. Caris LeVert’s knee evaporated a quarter into the season and came back before the season ended to continue dropping 20 points a game.
The Gilbert Arenas Award: John Wall
The Gilbert Arenas award is given to the player who was once one of the most dynamic scorers in the league who then got wildly overpaid and then their bones melted and they suddenly couldn’t play basketball anymore seemingly overnight.
Remember when John Wall and the Wizards were battling the Celtics head-to-head every year and Wall was the best point guard in the Eastern Conference?
And now he may never even play basketball again because his legs don’t work anymore. If he does return, he certainly won’t be as athletically dominant as he once was.
Oh, it also helps that Wall, like Arenas, plays for the Wizards. Burn down the training room.
Most Regressed Player: Gordon Hayward
The Most Improved Player is a cute little award to give but let’s shine a light on the player who wilted the most. The player who disappointed everyone and failed to match preseason expectations.
Yes, we all know that Gordon Hayward is coming off a brutal leg injury but I can’t not acknowledge what happened to this man in 2018-19. He went from an All-Star to a bum stealing minutes from Marcus Morris.
Stealing minutes from Marcus Morris. Did you read that? That’s how bad Hayward is now.
The All-‘Oooookay, Guys Shut The Fuck Up Now’ First Team
Kyrie Irving: If you are all smiles and giggles in the post-game press conference after a victory and an insufferable dick when you lose, you are not a grown man. You are a child. Kyrie, grow up. The world (THAT IS ROUND) isn’t out to get you.
Dwyane Wade: Let’s stop swapping jerseys and just wrap this retirement up plz, thnx.
Kevin Durant: Everything I said about Kyrie except replace his name with Durant’s. If you don’t want everyone to question you all season long about your free agency, stop signing 1-year deals. No one made this storyline up. YOU did. Take accountability.
LeBron James: LeBron is a messy bitch that lives for drama. Whether it’s sitting 3 miles away from the rest of his team on the bench or saying that his team needs to focus on winning while he’s A&Ring 2 Chainz’s album and casting Space Jam 2. This motherfucker LOVES drama.
Anthony Davis: [racist Fox News blonde lady voice] shut up and dribble.
The Tony Hawk Award: Brett Brown
This award is given to the player that has managed to skate through any and all criticisms that other players face on a daily basis. This also could’ve been named the Dwyane Wade award.
Remember when Wade broke Rondo’s arm and no one batted an eye? Or how he got ALL the credit for humbling himself and letting LeBron come to Miami even though he had already won a title without him so he clearly didn’t mind giving up some control to the best player ever?
ANYWAY, hey Brett Brown, you have one of the most talented rosters in NBA history. Explain to me how the Sixers only won 51 games. Explain to me why you don’t seem to have any plays outside of dribble handoffs to JJ Redick. Can we fire this man? No? Okay.
The ‘I Don’t Wana Do Nuthin At All’ Award: Nicolas Batum
Nicolas Batum made $24 million this season. Batum played in 75 games. He scored 5 points or fewer in 18 of those games. He was completely irrelevant in 25% of his games. Yea, no shit the Charlotte Hornets aren’t in the playoffs.
MVP: Mario Hezonja
A king. Give this man a MAX contract ASAP.