It’s the All-Star break, FOLKS. A time for rest. A time for reflection. A time for every big sports media outlet to interview MLB commissioner, Rob Manfred, to ask him about home runs instead of the fact that people are literally dying from getting hit with foul balls and MLB won’t put up foul ball netting.
Anyway, let’s take a look at the stand out players of the 2019 MLB season so far. Here are the Deadseriousness Midseason MLB Awards:
National League MVP: Cody Bellinger
Christian Yelich is going off and somehow is playing even better this season than he did last year when he won the NL MVP. But Cody Bellinger is even better than that. Just give him the award now.
Bellinger has 30 home runs and a 1.124 OPS with a .336 batting average and 71 RBIs. It’s conceivable that Cody Bellinger could win the triple crown this year.
He also leads the NL in fWAR and has saved 18 runs in right field. Not only does he have the best bat but he’s the defensive outfielder in the league. Mad decent.
The ‘We Get It, Mike Trout Is Really Good or Whatever But Let’s Give Someone Else an Award’ Award: DJ LeMahieu
We can beat the Mike Trout drum all day long. We all understand at this point. He is historically great. Thumbs up emoji.
We should probably also point out that the Anaheim Angels are a .500 club and everything Trout does is irrelevant. He is the tree falling in the woods and everyone is too busy watching Cody Bellinger hit walk-off homers crosstown to notice.
Meanwhile, DJ LeMahieu is the best hitter on a first place team. DJLM is leading the AL in both hits and batting average and is an automatic hit with a runner in scoring position.
The ‘Lol Yea Sure Blame the Baseballs For Your Inability To Stop Throwing Pitches That Land in the Bleachers’ Award: Justin Verlander
Justin Verlander leads all of baseball with 26 home runs allowed. My man is throwing beach balls down the middle of the plate. But nope, it’s definitely not his fault.
Here’s what Verlander said in regards to the possibility of the balls being ‘juiced’:
“It’s a f—-ing joke. Major League Baseball’s turning this game into a joke. They own Rawlings, and you’ve got Manfred up here saying it might be the way they center the pill. They own the f—-ing company. If any other $40 billion company bought out a $400 million company and the product changed dramatically, it’s not a guess as to what happened. We all know what happened. Manfred the first time he came in, what’d he say? He said we want more offense. All of a sudden he comes in, the balls are juiced? It’s not coincidence. We’re not idiots.”
Instead of taking accountability for his own actions, Verlander is blaming the baseballs. Okay. The balls are the problem. A problem that no other pitcher is struggling with but you. Okay.
What a tiny-dicked man.
The ‘How Does This Guy Still Have a Job?’ Award: Mickey Calloway
You knew the Mickey Calloway era was doomed very early on in his Mets tenure when he sent batters up to the plate out of order and was penalized an out. With all the sabermetrics and advanced stats, people wonder what the MLB manager actually does. He sends the batters out in order. Mickey Calloway cannot.
Right before the All-Star break, Mets GM Brodie Van Wagenen got into a screaming match with Calloway and threw a chair for no reason. Uh, does Brodie not understand that he has the authority to fire Calloway?
It feels like no matter what the situation is, Calloway always seems to make the wrong substitution or the wrong call to the bullpen and the Mets lose in the 9th inning only for Brodie to hold a press conference to say that Calloway’s job is safe.
And a few quick awards:
AL MVP: Gleyber Torres
AL Cy Young: Gleyber Torres
- Elena Delle Donne is Singlehandedly Saving The WNBA
- Amanda Knox Wants You To Pay For Her Outer Space-Themed Corny Ass Wedding
- Power Ranking Every Duo in the NBA
- Soo Are We Just Never Going To Stop Talking About That Odell Beckham Trade?
- The Seattle Storm Should Probably Do Something About Natasha Howard Beating The Shit Out of Her Wife