Dead Serious Guide: Parties
The Dead Serious Guide is a new installment on deadseriousness.com that will walk you through any and all aspects of life. In this installment we will tackle parties. The weekend has arrived and if you plan on going out, prepare accordingly. Follow this guide and you won’t be a squid.
Roll in with the right crew
The most important part of the party is easily the entrance. You want to walk in like Hulk Hogan, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash with the NWO music blasting. Turn some heads and get some early face time. It’s ALL about face time. If it’s a costume party, you and your crew want to walk in with the best costumes. Come right or don’t come. Be mindful of the girl to guy ratio. If you’re walking in with 5-6+ dudes, be aware that until 5-6 chicks come after you, you’re public enemy number one and no one wants you there. Best case scenario you are walking in with like 4 hot chicks and a fat girl that can DRINK. If you walk in alone, you better have drinks or food in your hands. Come. Right. Or. Don’t. Come.
Watch ALL ten minutes of this or get out of here.
Pace YourselfYes, of course you want to come in hot but don’t burn yourself out too early. Have a few quick conversations with some people when you first walk in but don’t have full conversations with everyone at the party within the first 45 minutes or else you might as well just go right home. If this was the Sims, your social meter would be completely full so there would be no point on even staying at the party. You’ve got all night to talk to everyone, Billy, don’t be a hero. Pacing yourself goes QUADRUPLE when it comes to drinking. Don’t be the first drunk obnoxious asshole who keeps yelling political views. Don’t be the annoying drunk broad that keeps begging everyone to play flip cup. Pace yourself. Act like you’ve been there before.The American Dream.
Pay homage to your hostWhether the party is celebrating a special occasion or just for the sake of having a party, acknowledge the party host. This is especially important if the host is providing both food and drink. You should be treating the host like a god among men. If there’s a keg, if there’s an open bar, if there’s a spread of food, you should be borderline fellating the host. And paying homage should happen almost immediately. If you walk in and don’t at the very least make eye contact with the host, go back outside and try again. The host is the king of the night and if he wants to behead you, I’m pretty sure he’s allowed to. That’s like federal law. Blame Obama.Kiss the ring.
Establish your ride homeNot about to preach about drinking and driving because I don’t give a shit but make sure you know how you’re getting your home. No one likes spending time with the annoying anxious person who keeps asking everyone “How are you getting home?” every 16 minutes. Worst case scenario is you completely overstay your welcome and spend the night there. Best case scenario is you’re not a fool that goes out with no way of getting home. You don’t want to be one of the last people at the party surrounded by strangers.
Maybe the dingo ate your baby? Honestly.
Do Dumb ShitSee this is where the Dead Serious guide differs from the norm. I fully endorse doing something absolutely ridiculous. If you want to have a nice boring night, stay home. Dunk the last shot in beer pong and dance like no one is watching even though not only is everyone watching but they are recording you. Remember the fat girl that can DRINK that I mentioned earlier? Yeah, bang her. If you wake up the next morning and have no funny stories to tell about the party then don’t bother going out again. You’re a brick wall and there’s 3 little pigs who desperately need you but otherwise stay away from parties. If you’re not watching embarrassing videos of you pissing into your own mouth the next morning then I completely understand your need to read this guide to parties. Glad I could help.
Be this (half) man.