tom cruise

Dead Mobster’s Last Confession: “Tom Cruise Isn’t Gay”

A new biography of the deceased con artist, jewel thief and art forger Johnny Fratto sees the former mobster recall his experiences coaching Cruise for his role as a pool hustler in 1986’s The Colour of Money. And while Fratto remembers Cruise being impressed by his criminal past, he also insists that the star is entirely heterosexual.

“Despite what rumours you’ve heard, I can vouch from firsthand experience that Tom Cruise is not a homosexual,” Fratto states.

In the book, Fratto describes an incident in which Cruise entered a Chicago nightclub and immediately put his arms around “two smoking hot party girls from Des Moines”.

“‘What’s going on, ladies?’ he asked with that mischievous superstar smile that made that f – – — millions of dollars,” Fratto recalls. “I had never seen women actually swoon in real life. . . these b itches swooned. If there was anything gay about Tom Cruise, I sure as f – – – didn’t see it, and neither did the girls from Des Moines.



There’s something inherently gay about one man saying about another man “truuuust me, he’s not gay”. Seems mega gay. Also seems mega gay to go out of your way to say that Tom Cruise is straight especially since it doesn’t seem like Jonny Fratto was like, asked. It appears as though he just needed to get that off of his chest ya know, like I imagine he had to get Tom Cruise off of his chest on many wine drunk nights.

Also, shout out to those ‘bitches’ from Des Moines who swooned for Tommy Cruise. Cruise cleans up in Iowa. No girl is safe. Hide your wife when he comes to town because the bitches will be swooning.

Is Tom Cruise gay?[1. Without a doubt.] Well, I can’t say definitely because Cruise has sued people for less but based off this story I know one thing for sure, my man eaaaats in Iowa. He could be gay in 49 other states but once he touches down in Des Moines he’s drowning in vag. Tight.




Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee if you think Tom Cruise is straight. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Like on Facebook so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.

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Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

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