Chris Harrison Won The Bachelor Season Finale

The last episode of The Bachelor ended with Colton jumping a fence which was the greatest television moment in 2019. And then the season finale started with the NEW greatest television moment in 2019: the hunt for Colton.

Colton jumped that fence in one hop. Literally zero effort. He stepped over a 10-foot wall like it was gum on the sidewalk. And apparently, he just took off into the night. Thankfully, Chris Harrison led the production crew on a search mission.

And this was the moment we learned why Chris Harrison makes a disgusting amount of money (don’t google it, you’ll be sick). This was Chris Harrison’s 50 point triple-double.

From Chris finally catching up to Colton on his casual jog through rural Portugal to Chris embarrassing the hell out of Colton in front of Tayshia and Hannah G later in the episode, he couldn’t miss a bucket.

“Maybe she’s just not that into you” isn’t a new line by any means. It’s a movie title. It’s a known cliche. And most importantly, it’s often times a fact. But huge round of applause to Chris for delivering that line to Colton as if he was the first person in the history of the English language to put those words together in that particular order. It was art.

Colton got dumped by Cassie, the hot one, and instead of breaking the chain of emotional damage, he decided to transfer his pain by immediately dumping Tayshia and Hannah, the hot ones.

Also, shout out to Colton for pulling the most fuckboy breakups of all time by making it all about HIS pain and making the two girls reassure HIM even though those girls just spent weeks of their life chasing after him and competing with 29 other girls just to get to the moment where they can truly open up to him emotionally.

He literally tried to out-cry Hannah G while she was sitting there for days writing in her little journal waiting to have her dream date with him. Treating girls like garbage because some other girl hurt your feelings is straight out of the fuckboy handbook. Colton is well-versed in these dark arts.

After watching Colton cry for the first hour, he finally arrived on set to chat with Tayshia and Hannah one final time and that’s when Chris Harrison came back off the bench to score 20 points in the third quarter by refusing to let Colton off the hook for his new hair.

It’s pretty cool how Colton’s hair was thinning in the front all season long and all of a sudden he showed up with spiked bangs like ‘NO I’M NOT GOING BALD OKAY LOOK AT HOW MUCH HAIR I HAVE RIGHT IN THE SPOT WHERE I DIDN’T HAVE HAIR BEFORE HAHA JUST A NEW HAIRCUT NOT PLUGS INSERTED INTO MY SCALP NOPE ALL NA-TU-RAL’.

My man really pulled up with the ‘Cassie, take me back’ cut and thought no one would notice. Thankfully, Chris noticed and dunked on him in front of his ex. M-V-P. M-V-P.

Massive fan of Chris also calling out Colton for saying that he was thinking about Cassie when he was with the other women. Chris really put Colton on the grill all night. He was the only person holding Colton accountable for his fuckboy-ness on a show that is designed to praise Colton for being a flaky womanizing sociopath.

From finding Colton in the Portuguese jungles to reminding us that he’s a virgin before every single commercial break, Chris Harrison won the MVP award.



Thanks for reading. Tweet to @theLesterLee if you think Chris Harrison won The Bachelor. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Follow on Instagram so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.


Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

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