The Fox and the Hound
A fox and a hound become friends but are forced to separate after being told that they are natural enemies. The fact they had to be informed that they were ‘natural’ enemies sort of makes that idea false.
Beauty and The Beast
A witch turns a prince into a hideous beast because he is mean to her. She also turns all of his servants into silverware and kitchen appliances for no reason. If the Beast does not find love before his magical rose dies, the curse will remain forever. Not quite sure why the witch would encourage him to find love but every story needs an arc, I suppose. Beast kidnaps Belle and attempts to force himself onto her. He eventually succeeds and becomes an asshole prince again.
A guy finds a magic lamp that unleashes the magic genie trapped inside. He is granted three wishes and does not wish for unlimited wishes right off the bat. Anything after that is BS. Aladdin wastes his three wishes on dumb shit.
The Lion King
Hamlet’s Uncle, Claudius, kills the king in order to claim the throne as his own. Hamlet runs away from his responsibility but is eventually visited by the ghost of his father and is persuaded to take vengeance and reclaim the throne.
Europeans come to the Americas and rape and murder the natives. The end.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
An isolated man named Quasimodo, is treated like a monster because he is deformed. He seeks acceptance and has ridiculously high standards in women as he pursues a sexy ass gypsy, Esmeralda. He saves the town but loses Esmeralda. And he remains a lonely ugly monster. Yay.
Hercules, a teenager with extraordinary god-like powers, is shocked to discover that he is in fact a a demigod. He is trained to become a hero by Danny DeVito. He falls in love with a damsel in distress, Meg. Meg actually tricks Hercules into thinking she needs to be saved just to get him weak so that Hades can defeat him. This movie teaches a very valuable life lesson: Bitches Be Trippin’.
In order to protect her father and her family’s legacy, Mulan joins the army pretending to be a man. For what I assume to be months of training, no one seems to notice that Mulan has breasts and is menstruating. This really shows why the Huns feel so confident about invading China. China’s military can’t even discern between male and females.
An infant orphan is raised by gorillas in the jungle, or course. After a quick musical montage of Tarzan growing up, he meets explorer, Jane, and her family. Tarzan and Jane fall in love. Yes Jane who lived in civilization for all of her life, falls in love with Tarzan who is a naked gorilla man. Clearly this woman is suffering from stockholm syndrome or some shit.
SEE ALSO: Fuck. Marry. Kill: Disney Princesses