Carlos Beltran Put a Gun To The Houston Astros Heads and Made Them Cheat

The 2017 Houston Astros cheated to win the World Series by stealing signs with cameras in the outfield, Russian satellites in space and American trash cans in the dugout to relay catcher signs in real-time to the hitter’s in the batter box that allowed them to know what type of pitch was coming thus allowing them to sit on fastballs and take breaking balls.

MLB chose to ignore this problem for three years before The Athletic and weirdos on Twitter put all of the evidence out there in the world so Major League Baseball could no longer pretend like their wife wasn’t going out every night and coming back at 5am with her makeup smeared and a real smile on her face.

When all the news broke, the only people who suffered the consequences of this cheating were AJ Hinch and Jeff Luhnow, the manager and the general manager of the team who allowed all of this cheating but now there are new reports that there was one Kingpin running this whole damn evil operation.

Enter Carlos Beltran.

According to brand new reports, everyone and their mothers are pointing their fingers at former New York Mets manager, Carlos Beltran, as the mastermind behind their entire cheating system and not only did he create this system but he bullied the whole franchise into going along with his crimes.

Members of the 2017 Astros use various terms to describe Beltrán — El Jefe, the Godfather, the king, the alpha male in the building. Beltrán was 40 that season, capping off a 20-year career, seeking to add to his Hall of Fame resumé. No other person in the Astros’ clubhouse carried the same stature, including McCann, who was 33 that season and a less accomplished player.

El Jefe. I love imagining that Beltran was FORCING everyone to participate in his scheme for no reason outside of the fact that he was the oldest one in the room and had played for 20-years.

Brian McCann—the king of the unwritten rules of baseball—was helpless to stop Beltran’s reign of terror because unfortunately, McCann is 7 years younger therefore his voice was silenced. IF ONLY he had been born in 1977. Damn his parents for not removing the condom a decade earlier. You safe losers. The McCann’s could’ve prevented this.

During the season, small groups of Astros discussed their misgivings. McCann at one point approached Beltrán and asked him to stop, two members of the 2017 team said.

“He disregarded it and steamrolled everybody,” one of the team members said. “Where do you go if you’re a young, impressionable player with the Astros and this guy says, ‘We’re doing this’? What do you do?”

You’re young. You’re impressionable. You’re 33.

My favorite part of the commissioner’s report was that the AJ Hinch was so angry when he found out about the cheating, he used a bat to destroy the video room in the clubhouse and now after heaing this new story about Beltran it’s become abundantly clear that these assholes are trying to have their cake and eat it too.

Yes, the cheated and won the World Series but it’s not AJ Hinch’s fault. He destroyed the video room. And let’s ignore that the Astros simply replaced the screens and continued cheating and Hinch didn’t say a fucking word as trash cans were banging next to him. Nope, Hinch is a hero and had nothing to do with it.

The players were sooO0ooOo young and impressionable that Carlos Beltran slapped them in the face with a tiny white linen glove that he pulled from his breast pocket and forced them to steal at-bats.

There were overzealous interns running operation ‘Codebreaker’ and these two kids with no stake in the franchise put this together and don’t blame Hinch and the players because nope, it was these no names who were in the building every day for college credit.

I love this new reality where EVERYONE is to blame except for the actual players that cheated and it’s being reported objectively with no one pointing out how guys like Alex Bregman and Jose Altuve are stiff-arming all blame and responsibility for their own actions.

Long Live El Jefe.








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Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

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