Boston Red Sox Signing JD Martinez to a 5-Year $110 Million Contract is Cute or Whatever

After a long offseason dance, the Boston Red Sox and J.D. Martinez reportedly came to terms Monday, agreeing to a five-year, $110-million contract, according to Jon Morosi of MLB Network.

The deal reportedly contains a pair of opt-outs for the star outfielder/designated hitter, one of which is available to Martinez after two years and $50 million, according to Jon Heyman of FanRag Sports.



Aw, the Boston Red Sox have gone out there and acquired JD Martinez in their desperate hopes to match the New York Yankees. Comparing Martinez and Giancarlo Stanton is like comparing apples to National League MVP’s.

JD Martinez hit .303 with 45 homers and 104 RBIs. Something cute. All of those numbers were career bests and it would appear as though the 30-year outfielder turned designated hitter, is a bit of a late bloomer. *cough* HGH *cough*.

Last season, the Boston Red Sox were dead last in home runs in the American League. Martinez played 62 games for the Arizona Diamondbacks in 2017 and hit 29 bombs. Mookie Betts hit 24 home runs in 153 games for Boston.

I’m not about to sit here and tell you that signing Martinez is a bad move for Boston.

Buuuut they’re Boston which means that he will inevitably be hated by all of his teammates and will be a dick in the locker room. For whatever reason, in the post-Pedro Martinez/Manny Ramirez era, whenever the Red Sox sign a free agent, they’re dicks.

Josh Beckett, John Lackey and David Price last season were all straight up assholes for no reason. Pablo Sandoval gained 6,340 pounds and couldn’t play baseball after signing a 5-year $95 million deal. We’re about 2 months away from stories about JD Martinez driving himself to away games because he refuses to step on a plane with Dustin Pedroia.

Meanwhile in the Bronx, Giancarlo Stanton and Aaron Judge are best friends and are probably sitting on a couch watching Desus and Mero on Viceland laughing their asses off.

Jd has just become public enemy number one for me. Cannot wait until the Red Sox finish below the Tampa Bay Devil Rays at the end of the season. I’ll see you all at the Yankees World Series parade in Times Square next year.








Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee if you think the Red Sox will still be garbage with or without JD Martinez. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Like on Facebook so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.


Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

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