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If Blake Shelton is the Sexiest Man Alive Then Every Other Man Must Be Dead

People magazine named Blake Shelton its Sexiest Man Alive for 2017 on Tuesday, but it took some convincing by his girlfriend Gwen Stefani to get her guy on board.

The country music superstar and coach on NBC’s “The Voice” hates being the center of attention, the magazine said.

“She goes, ‘Listen to me,'” recalled the 6-foot-5, Oklahoma-bred Shelton. “‘You’re going to regret this for the rest of your life if you don’t take this gift and just live in the moment.’ I’ve been ugly my whole life. If I can be sexy for a year, I’m taking it!'”

(Fox News)

 

Soo, Blake Shelton is the sexiest man alive, huh? Is this what we’re doing now, People Magazine? We’re just throwing darts a list of celebrities names and give them titles like ‘sexiest man alive’? Blake fucking Shelton? Really?

My man looks like every pedophile and child molester on Law & Order: SVU. The second his face comes up on the screen you immediately think to yourself ‘oh, yea this guy 1000% jerked that boy off behind the library’. Look no further, Ice-T, it’s this guy.

He looks like a mechanic that puts cheap oil into your car but overcharges you for it and then when you pop your hood open like, 6 months later, you find a Pepsi can that he accidentally left in there when he changed your oil.

He looks like he plays in a cover band that performs exclusively at the same shady bar every Saturday night because the drummer is boys with the bar owner and the band hasn’t updated their setlist since 1995. No one leaves their house on Saturday and says ‘I can’t wait to hear these guys cover Blue Oyster Cult AGAIN this weekend’.

He looks like the type of guy who says ‘I don’t see color’ moments after he says he stopped watching the NFL because he didn’t want to watch ‘ungrateful’ football players kneel during the anthem. ‘Look, they can find another way to protest okay. They don’t need to disrespect the flag. I mean, what are they even protesting anyway? I bet they don’t even know’.

He looks like the bottom of a foot.

He looks like he paid People Magazine to be on this cover. This cover looks like a lame photoshop job by an Internet troll that’s mocking Blake’s ugly face which would make way more sense than People actually putting him on the cover for real.

 

Blake Shelton is ugly, is my point.

 

 

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Written by TheLesterLee

TheLesterLee

Creator and King of Deadseriousness. Writer of all things pop culture.

E-mail Lester@Deadseriousness.com to talk to the king directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

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