Recently, every girl I’ve ever exchanged numbers with over the last two decades has been filling my timelines and newsfeeds.
I don’t know if Facebook decided to randomly shake up their algorithms again but literally every time I open my phone, there is a girl who dumped me who is smiling ear to ear having the time of her life with her new boyfriend.
Why is everyone so happy with their new baes in these IG posts? Did someone just tell a joke about me moments before the photo was taken? Probably.
Now that the seasons are changing and the weather is getting nice, these new couples are having the times of their life enjoying brunch and holding hands and holding hands at brunch. It’s disgusting.
At this point, I should mention that I love love. Everyone fall in love and have big lavish weddings. Everybody love everybody. Blah blah.
But my timeline seems to exclusively contain the thoughts and photos of girls who have specifically dumped/ghosted me. I can’t even find my friends on the newsfeed. It’s just that girl Amanda, who once allowed me to touch her boobs many moons ago before she stopped answering my texts. Those were the days.
That was like, 3 years ago. Why is she first person I see every time I open up Instagram? And jesus, why is she taking so many selfies all of a sudden?
Some might say that I should unfollow these girls. If only it were that simple. No should ever unfollow their ex. Walk with me. Let me explain this. I’m right.
Here are 4 reasons why you shouldn’t unfollow your ex:
- You need to win the breakup. Part of winning the break up includes proving how unbothered you are by the breakup. If you start unfollowing homegirl and her friends then you’re letting her know that your feelings are hurt.
- You’re going to stalk them anyway. Save yourself some time. Instead of having to search their names and all those extra steps to find out how much better their lives are now that they’re rid of you, just never unfollow your ex and you won’t have to waste those extra embarrassing seconds.
- You never know..when like…ya know..you might *makes
circlewith thumb and index finger on one hand and puts other index fingerin and out of that circle* hump again. Don’t burn a bridge too soon. You never know when you might suddenly need to go back to the well.
- You don’t want them to find out you unfollowed them because then they’re going to unfollow you and you need all of the follows you can get. Respect the ratio.
So you to have grin and bare seeing your ex all over your timeline. Don’t blame them for being happy without you. Blame Mark Fuckerberg for shoving them in your face. I’d honestly rather have Russian bots sending me fake articles about Hillary Clinton dining on 8-month old aborted fetus lungs.
- Here are Some of the Worst Injuries in the History of Sports
- Your Horniness Can Ruin Someone’s Life
- The Bachelor Recap: Welcome To The Sarah Show
- Turns Out You Can, In Fact, Guard Mike
- Start Immanuel Quickley, Dummy