Week 2 of the XFL has come and gone and man, that was absolute nothingness. Outside of New York Guardians QB— Matt McGloin— having a little catty halftime interview, the games need not even be played.
This league needs household names we recognize. It desperately needs stars. I regret to inform you but no one gives a shit about *squints* Quinton Flowers, whomever that is.
Here are 7 stars the XFL needs to sign to make people care:
1. Johnny Manziel
This is obvious which is why it’s first on this list. Internet content creation 101.
Sure, Manziel was atrocious as the Cleveland Browns quarterback and was essentially kicked out of the Canadian Football League but I’m still fairly confident he could lead the New Hampshire Aardvarks or whatever team is out there with a quarterback that hasn’t played since middle school.
Johnny Football needs this game because without it, he’s more like Johnny Cocaine and that’s not very sustainable.
2. Colin Kaepernick
Kaepernick has come out and said that the XFL can’t afford him. Vince McMahon has enough cash to drop a bag at Kaepernick’s doorstep if push came to shove. Turn the league into a race war. Instant eyes on the product as 7 rednecks protest outside the empty stadiums and Tucker Carlson talks about his signing for 3 months straight.
3. Brett Favre
You know Brett Favre watches football every Sunday thinking he could make every throw he sees. He saw Jameis Winston throw 30 touchdowns and 30 interceptions and thought to himself ‘I could do 40 and 40 right now’.
I promise you if Favre signed with the XFL, the ratings for those games would go through the roof.
4. Pacman Jones
Pacman Jones is out here brawling at airports and strip clubs. Signing Pacman to the XFL is more for his own safety and the safety of those around him. List off all the defensive players in this league that you can name off the top of your head. Exactly. They need stars. Pacman is a star.
5. Rob Gronkowski
Rob Gronkowski is only 30-years old and has cured his own CTE. He’s ready to play football again. Sure, he’s having fun ‘partying’ or whatever that means but do you really think he’d rather be on the Masked Singer or catching touchdowns on Sunday again? Hint: it’s the latter.
And no, he wouldn’t go back to the New England Patriots. Bill Belichick is too intense. If Gronk signed with the XFL then I can’t imagine a team actually making him practice during the week. Just show up on Saturday, do whatever you want, cash a paycheck, win an MVP, go home.
6. Gregg Williams
Defense sucks. It prevents touchdowns. Touchdowns are good. Are you following along here? Sometimes I fear my football writing is too complex at times.
You know who can make us care about the defensive side of the football? Gregg Williams, the defensive coordinator that spearheaded the Bounty Gate scandal in New Orleans where he paid players to murder opposing quarterbacks.
These XFL players need the extra cash more than NFL players so we might see live murders on the field when some failed Arkansas State linebacker takes his career frustrations out on Aaron Murray and gets $5,000 cash in his locker after Murray is diagnosed with paralysis at the local hospital.
7. Antonio Brown
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