The movie we waited 11 years for has finally been released. Avengers Endgame is the end of the most ambitious and successful shared cinematic universe in the history of motion pictures, althought let’s wait and see how Space Jam 2 does. There could be some compeittion forming.
But with every blockbuster review on Deadserousness, it’s either the best movie ever or the worst movie ever.
Here are 7 reasons why Avengers Endgame is the worst movie ever:
1. No Villain
Thanos was the best Marvel villain and second place isn’t particularly close. Everything he said and did in Infinity War was cool as shit. He had an all-powerful gauntlet that made him the strongest living being in the universe. It allowed him to warp reality and shoot lasers and all he wanted to do with all that power was punch Iron Man in the face.
And in Endgame they kill him off in the first 10 minutes.
Now, I totally understand the psychological reasons behind Thanos being pacified and having no desire to fight the Avengers when they arrive.
But then the rest of the movie becomes a series of various tasks ending with a new Thanos, who has no prior relationship with these characters, to arrive and repeat the same exact ending of Infinity War.
Without a major villain really looming over this movie, the hunt to grab the Infinity Stones from the past turned into a lame video game quest and it was like watching cutscenes from a Final Fantasy game.
Use this tool to get that gem and you have this amount of time to do it. This was some Assassin’s Creed style nonsense.
And again, there was something very cool about Thanos’s relationship with Tony Stark. The baddest man in the galaxy is hunting for Infinity Stones across space all while keeping an eye on this guy on Earth who makes iron suits. And when they finally meet face to face, you can feel the tension.
Although I WILL say that the one benefit to new Thanos having no knowledge of the Avengers was my personal favorite moment of the movie.
Scarlet Witch: You took everything from me.
Thanos: I don’t even know who you are.
2. Captain Marvel
From the moment we meet Captain Marvel, she is under the impression that she is Kree. Then she lands on Earth in a Blockbuster and for the remainder of her movie she proceeds to maneuver around Earth like she’s there all the time. Hanging on Earth on the weekends between Kreeing it up in space.
She’s talking to security guards and cops like it’s no big deal. She’s using payphones and putting on Nine Inch Nails shirts. Riding motorcycles.
Have you seen any of the other planets in the MCU? None of them look or operate anything like Earth. How is she (and honestly everyone alien from another planet) so comfortable here?
But that comfortability stands out even more when she shows up saving Iron Man and hanging out with the Avengers like she’s known them all her life and for all we know, she hasn’t been back on Earth since the 90s.
I get that we’ll find out more about her intergalactic adventures in her next solo romp but her saying ‘other planets need my help too’ over and over again does not explain or excuse her complete absence from every major Avengers event until AFTER Thanos murders half of the universe and even her absence during the plan to reverse Thanos’s snap.
The obvious reason for her being MIA is that she has god-like power and it would be a quick fight. It’s the same reason why Thor and Thanos didn’t interact at any point in Infinity War until the exact second Thanos snapped. It’s the reason why Thanos bodied Hulk at the beginning of Infinity War and Hulk was afraid to come out again.
But keeping the strongest Avengers away from Thanos in Infinity War made sense. It was cleverly pulled off. Captain Marvel casually leaving and coming back conveniently at the end is not clever. It’s dumb, actually.
3. Time Travel
When you introduce time travel into your movie, you are instantly begging fans to poke holes. I’m a college drop out. I won’t pretend to understand quantum physics and the in’s and out’s of fake cinema time travel but there are certainly problems here.
When Bruce Banner and The Ancient One are discussing the effects of time travel, Bruce straight up says that nothing he changes in the past can affect the present day.
So right away they establish that there are zero consequences to what they do in the past. The Ancient One tells Bruce that if they don’t bring the stones back then they will create a parallel universe that essentially dooms her timeline including a universe where Doctor Strange never gets the time stone and Dormammu murders everyone.
But in reality, who cares? That wouldn’t affect OUR Avengers’s timeline in any way so technically, it doesn’t matter. The only reason they brought the stones back was because they happen to be nice people. They didn’t have to.
The MCU is a universe where you can freely go back in time and fuck up anything you want and return to the present day like nothing ever happened. That feels…dumb.
4. DC Style Action
Thanks to Zack Snyder, DC has a very distinctive style. All of the major fight scenes are messes. Wonder Woman was a phenomenal movie until the final 20 minutes when everything is suddenly gray and on fire out of nowhere.
The big action set piece in Avengers Endgame saw every hero from the MCU join forces to stop Thanos and his army and in a matter of seconds, suddenly everything was dark and smokey.
I’m not totally sure where Avengers HQ is located but apparently, that building was built on the side of a volcano because that battlefield looked like the inside of an asphalt mill.
I was waiting for the signature Zack Snyder slow motion punches to gain cool points from children who don’t have friends.
Okay, let’s talk about Thor really quickly who, outside of Iron Man, might have had the most noticeable character growth out of all the main Avengers. He went from a narcissistic brash hothead who loved fighting and by the end of Ragnarok, he understood who he was and what he was capable of and what it means to be ‘worthy.
Then Infinity war starts and all of his friends and family are murdered before his eyes and he doesn’t get to Thanos in time to stop him so when he gets his shot at Thanos in Endgame, he cuts his head off.
For the remainder of the movie, Thor is an overweight unkempt drunk who is totally neutered. He’s essentially what Valkarie was is Ragnarok except that Thor had already been through so much by the time he beheaded Thanos that it’s odd for that to be the moment he quit.
But It’s fine. I get it.
BUT, if this truly was the final story for all of our favorite original MCU day-oners, Thor clearly got the short end of the stick here.
Tony Stark sacrificed his life to save the universe. Captain America went back and time and got to live the life he had sacrificed to save the universe. The Incredible Hulk became a celebrity. Black Widow was tossed off a cliff. Anddd Thor grew dreads and had to share his hammer with Cap and now has to share a movie with the Guardians of the Galaxy?
Shit, even the scene where he goes back to speak to his mother left so much to be desired. Tony Stark talks to his dad and has this emotional moment discussing fatherhood.
But with Thor, they chose to be cute and go with jokes. He went back in time and saw his other on the day that she dies. Why didn’t that scene end with me sobbing? We get it, Chris Hemsworth is funny. Can Thor have ONE real moment please.
Also, reaaaal sly move by Marvel giving Thor two eyes again like we didn’t see Cate Blanchett punt that shit out of his skull two years ago.
6. Captain America
I won’t say that Captain America’s story was a ‘problem’ necessarily but expectations for Cap specifically, were high as hell.
Captain America hardly appeared in Infinity War.
I really thought there would be a major interaction with those two whether it be a huge fight sequence or a conversation discussing their conflicting ideals (no one in Infinity War reallyyy pushed back on Thanos’s ideology too hard). Cap appeared in 6 minutes and 45 seconds of screen time in Infinity War. That’s insane.
Now, for the first half of the film, Steve Rogers didn’t do anything special but that moment he calls for Mjolnir was incredible and his fight with Thanos was WILD but again, it was new Thanos so it was basically a fight with a random purple monster. Still cool though.
And that final scene with he and Peggy Carter dancing was the perfect ending. Seriously. Marvel stuck the landing on this one. I’m about to cry thinking about it.
Oh, but the time travel rules again don’t make sense at all.
How did Cap go back in time, place all of the infinity stones back, then go even further back to be with Peggy and age to present day to dramatically sit on a park bench outside of the exact time and place he went back in time?
EVERYTHING…EVERYTHING has to go exactly as they did in real time every second of every day for Cap to be able to return to that exact moment which is quite literally impossible considering there’s a MASSIVE hole in the timeline aka Captain America never froze in ice which means he never became an Avenger which means he never went back in time in the first place. Do you see why time travel in movies is dumb?
(oh, also the Super Soldier Serum doesn’t allow him to age so he wouldn’t have been an elderly man in the present day. *hair flip emoji*)
7. The Future of the MCU
I pretty much only had 6 points to make but this article is titled ‘7 Reasons’ and who am I to deprive you of this sweet delicious (free) content. Endgame is the end of a magnificent ten year 22 movie journey. An impossible and improbable task that created the most successful movie franchise ever.
Endgame was a beautiful farewell to our favorite characters. It also left nothing to be desired going forward. With everyone dead, retired or off Earth, there aren’t many reasons to keep coming back to the theatre for these films.
Spider-Man 2 is coming this year and we should all be excited. Captain Marvel, Guardians of the Galaxy and Black Panther all have sequels lined up. Oh, and we have a Black Widow sequel that’s like, 7 years too late that we already saw when Jennifer Lawrence starred in Red Sparrow a couple of years ago.
What do we have to look forward to? I’m telling you right now not to worry about pre-ordering your tickets for Ant-Man 3. You will be the only person sitting in that empty theatre. Captain America starring Anthony Mackie sounds like a hilarious tweet from 2014.
There wasn’t a post-credit scene to get us back to see the next movie. This is it. We made it to the finish line, I reckon. RIP MCU.
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