I just watched the trailer for John Wick 3 and I’m feeling a type of way. I can probably lift a car over my head right now if I needed to. The only thing stopping me from running through a wall is that I’m poor and can’t afford to rebuild a wall at this time.
John Wick is a movie franchise that pretty much saved Keanu Reeves’s career by turning him into a silent, deadly assassin who is PISSED that Theon from Game of Thrones killed his dog.
Much like Taken with Liam Neeson did in 2014, these movies are the perfect showcase for talented actors to flex either an old muscle that we haven’t seen them utalize since like, the 90’s or to stretch out a brand new muscle that we didn’t know they had before.
Here are 7 actors that deserve their own John Wick-esque movie franchises:
1. Uma Thurman
Uh, have you seen Kill Bill? Of course, she deserves her own dark gritty John Wick style revenge movie. Why do I need to explain this? Reserve 4 hours this weekend to watch Kill Bill and in your head, replace all of the
Pay me for my idea.
2. Wesley Snipes
Remember when Wesley Snipes was the biggest star on planet Earth? I remember. Every movie that Wesley Snipes has been in since Blade 3 which came out in 2004, has gone direct-to-video. And no, I’m not
PUT SOME RESPECT ON NINO BROWN’S NAME. This is Sidney Dean we’re talking about. If a trailer dropped in the middle of the Super Bowl with Wesley Snipes playing a no-nonsense killing machine set to avenge the death of his pet goldfish, they would cancel the second half of the game and refuse to continue playing until the movie was released nationwide.
3. Jean-Claude Van Damme
I’m not totally confident in this choice but I trust you guys. But the man who starred in Bloodsport deserves representation on this list. Bloodsport literally created mixed martial arts. Do you like watching weirdos punch each other’s brains in for minimal dollars while Dana White makes billions?
And this movie is OBVIOUSLY going to have Van Damme doing splits for no reason. He had that commecial a couple of years ago when he did a split across those trucks. My man’s still got it. In fact, let’s have him in a splut the whole time. That’s how you win a box office.
4. Sigourney Weaver
Sigourney Weaver has carved her niche in sci-fi and fantasy movies but what makes John Wick so great is that there are no paranormal elements. There are no superpowers or chemical weapons. It’s just a man killing nameless Eastern European immigrants.
As much as I love Sigourney in Aliens, she needs a badass action movie set in reality without aliens and intergalactic travel. Just a bad bitch with a handgun seeking revenge for the cruel death of pet snake.
5. Will Smith
Growing up, Will Smith was the premiere movie star. If you were a producer working on a blockbuster, you busted your ass to get a meeting with the Fresh Prince. Will Smith would ever handle the soundtrack for you and make a full rap album about the Wild Wild West.
Sure, we’re getting Bad Boys 3 but Michael Bay isn’t even involved. We’re going to miss his not so subtle racism and illogical explosions. What’s even the point? Will Smith has been a weird Scientology sociopath the last decade and a movie where he doesn’t really speak might be what’s best for his brand.
6. Linda Hamilton
Linda Hamilton’s arms in Terminator 2 are the reason why a gym takes $20 out of my bank account every month. She was a straight up beast in that movie but then that was pretty much it. She never starred in a hit movie ever again. Fuck that.
Give me two and a half hours of this.
7. Brad Pitt
I’d argue Brad Pitt hasn’t been in a good movie in at least a decade. I guess Moneyball is good or great or whatever. But that’s sort of the point of this list. If his last great movie was Moneyball then he’s more than due for a revenge movie where we see him sitting behind a sniper rifle ready to murder the crime family that killed his pet kitten or something.
Brad Pitt needs this. I need this. Put a gun in his hands and have him raise hell. His current career consists of producing movies that don’t matter, making meaningless cameos and taking small roles in much bigger ensemble casts. We need just Brad solo dolo and bloodthirsty.
Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee with who you believe deserves a John Wick franchise. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Follow on Instagram so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.