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7 Cities The Tampa Bay Rays Should Move To

It is being reported that the Tampa Bay Rays are considering playing some games in Montreal while still playing some games in Tampa which is the most Devil Rays ass nonsense ever.

If a Tampa Bay Rays relocation is coming, let’s brainstorm some cities that deserve their own Major League Baseball team. Florida, you guys ruined it.

Here are 7 cities they should consider moving to instead of renting an AirBnB for a few weeks a year:

  1. Montreal. Bring. Back. The Expos. The Rays are already flirting with the idea of moving to Montreal part-time, which sounds like something a married guy having a midlife crisis would do after a wild bachelor party with a coworker that he barely knew but decided to go on because he needed a break from his wife and ended up getting a happy ending massage so now he wants to leave his family altogether and move to Montreal for a summer.

2. Iowa. Fuck it. No one’s going to your games anyone. Might as well move to a state with a lower population and get the same exact attendance numbers as you do now. Probably more. Those people in Cedar Rapids are thirsty for Austin Meadows.

3. Portland. The Portland Timbers, a Major League Soccer team, averages around 21,000 in attendance. The Tampa Bay Rays are currently averaging around 15,000. Move to Portland where the people are appreciative of having a sports team and will watch basically anything live.

4. Charlotte. Charlotte, and North Carolina as a whole, is one of the fastest growing cities in America. Take advantage of this boom and move the Rays to Charlotte because god knows no one will be watching the Hornets next season if/when Kemba Walker leaves.

5. Mexico City. How about instead of bringing baseball to Canada, a nation devoted to hockey, perhaps move to the other border and relocate in Mexico to help represent a sport with a flourishing Latin community.

6. Las Vegas. There is a minor league baseball team that already plays in Vegas that average about 10,000 people per game which would set minor league records. Psychos will literally do anything in Las Vegas for a few hours to pretend like they’re functional members of society before and after a night of depravity and perversion.

7. Tampa. This is going to sound crazy but bear with me. But what if..WHAT IF.. you moved the Tampa Bay Rays to uh, Tampa Bay. Tropicana Field is a dump and no one wants to drive 30 minutes to St. Petersburg to sit in that Lego stadium.

Cancel the Tampa Bay Rays relocation.

Imagine if the Yankees didn’t exist and the Mets played in like, Westchester. You’re taking a bad team that we already don’t care about and moving it to a part of the city that no one ever wants to drive to and you’re shocked by all the empty seats.

Or just shoot the Rays into a volcano. It really doesn’t matter. They’re the Devil Rays.

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