The NFL Draft is the biggest night in the world for college football players, NFL stat geeks and Mel Kiper. It’s the time of year where ESPN grades young men’s bodies with excruciating detail and then when they get selected, the broadcast goes out of its way to bring up every player’s dramatic past and how they overcame the tragic death of a family matter so that they can be drafted by the Cincinnati Bengals.
With every big event, there are winners and there are losers…
First, here are the 6 biggest winners of the 2019 NFL Draft first round:
1. Short People
Kyler Murray is 5-foot-9, ya know, the average size of an 11th grader. He is now about to be a starting quarterback in the NFL. If this was like, 2004, Murray wouldn’t have even been invited to the draft. He’s short AND brown?? No thanks.
People are comparing Murray to Drew Brees and Russell Wilson which makes no sense since he plays nothing like those two. He’s more like Baker Mayfield, the previous ‘short’ quarterback from Oklahoma that was drafted No. 1 overall. Let’s give Baker Mayfield his flowers while he can still smell them.
(Unless Kyler sucks in which case Baker doomed short people forever.)
2. New York Giants
Everyone and their mothers are shitting on the New York Giants for drafting Daniel Jones with the 6th overall draft pick when they probably could’ve scooped his bum ass up in the 3rd round. They were literally competing with themselves.
Drew Lock was ranked higher on every team’s board than Daniel Jones. Lock was drafted. Jones would’ve been available in the 6th round, I’m sure of it.
But stay woke. Keep your third eyes open. The Giants are tanking for Trevor Lawrence. The Clemson QB is eligible to enter the NFL in 2021. The Giants throw Daniel Jones out there for the next two seasons and next thing you know, the Giants get the No. 1 pick in 2021 and Trevor Lawrence is a Giant.
Shout out to Racism coming in hot and making a guest appearance on Thursday night. There is no reason whatsoever why Haskins, the best quarterback in the HISTORY of the Big Ten, dropped to 15th except for the fact that he’s a black person.
Oakland, Tampa Bay, Jacksonville, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati and Miami all needed quarterbacks. They didn’t even have Haskins’s phone number. Wild move for the Redskins of all teams to suddenly be the voice for the culture.
4. Lamar Jackson
Weird move to say that racism and Lamar Jackson won in the same night but two opposite things can occur simultaneously. Don’t be so close-minded.
The Baltimore Ravens gave Jackson the most dynamic offensive player available in the draft. Hollywood Brown is the TRUTH. Which is ideal for Lamar considering he has no idea how to throw a football. Marquise Brown is going to make Lamar Jackson a 5,000-yard passer.
5. Miami Dolphins
People were confused by Miami not drafting a quarterback in the first round after trading away Ryan Tannehill and signing Ryan Fitzpatrick for no reason but it’s chess, not checkers.
Much like the Giants are tanking for Trevor Lawrence, The Dolphins are tanking for Tua Tagovailoa and they aren’t even hiding it. I’m honestly shocked they signed Fitzpatrick because at his best, he can win a team like, 9 games. Really thought the Dolphins were going to just let the clock run out and pretend like they accidentally forgot to make a selection.
6. MY Buffalo Bills
You know me, Lester, lifelong Buffalo Bills fan who has never one been invested in the endeavors of the New York Football Giants, not once ever. Round of applause to MY Bills for knocking the first round out of the park.
The Deadseriousness Big Board listed Ed Oliver as the No. 1 prospect in the draft and Buffalo was able to scoop him up with the 9th pick. Go Bills!
And now onto the Losers..
Kick rocks, bitch.
2. Kansas City Chiefs
The Tennessee Titans drafted defensive tackle, Jeffrey Simmons, who was arrested for punching a woman in the face. You know for a fact that Kansas City Chiefs were absolutely furious they couldn’t get their hands on that guy.
Kareem Hunt, Frank Clark, Tyreek Hill, the Chiefs have built their organizations on the backs of men who will beat the shit out of any women in their line of sight. I assume tables were flipped over that night.
3. Nick Bosa
Let me make one thing extremely fucking clear: if you are a Trump supporter, you are racist. There is no seperating the two. Everyone decision that ‘man’ has made in his presidency has been to make the lives of non-white men more difficult.
I think people who are riding hard with Trump don’t realize that he won’t be the president forever and we have all of their receipts saved. When the pendulum swings the other way and being openly racist is no longer in vogue, we will all remember that Nick Bosa went out of his way to root for that piece of shit.
Being a trump supporter is a cool flex on the Internet but motherfuckers in MAGA hats are getting snuffed out on a daily basis. A video of Nick Bosa going out and getting KOed will 1000% happen before his career ends.
4. Devin Bush
No, Devin Bush didn’t take the L because he dressed like he wasn’t about to let a torn rotator cuff stop him from attending the player hater’s ball. Devin Bush is a loser because the Pittsburgh Steelers traded up to draft him.
Not sure if you’ve been um, following the Steelers recently but apparently Ben Roethlisberger is the biggest asshole on planet Earth and he runs the team. Devin Bush is getting a lotttt of attention right now. Ben is going to stuff him in a locker day one. As I’m writing this, Big Ben is 1000% in Devin Bush’s girlfriend’s DMs sending dick pics.
5. Aaron Rodgers
The Green Bay Packers had the 12th and 21st picks of the 2019 NFL draft. They chose a defensive lineman and a safety and in a vacuum, they made great selections.
But Aaron Rodgers is 35 years old and spent the entire preseason last year complaining that none of the receivers are good. Green Bay had the resources to acquire Hollywood Brown or DK Metcalf. They went for defense.
Rodgers isn’t showing up until 5 minutes before their Week 1 game.
6. Dave Gettleman
- The Seattle Storm Should Probably Do Something About Natasha Howard Beating The Shit Out of Her Wife
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- The 2019 New York Yankees Are Fucking Savages in the Box
- Okay Fine, Let’s Talk About Area 51
- Meghan McCain is Upset That Donald Trump’s Racism is Preventing Her From Being Racist