50 Thoughts You Have Before Firing Off That First Drunk Text

Drunk texting happens. We’ve all been there before. One second your sipping on wine and next thing you know you’re sending paragraph after paragraph to that boy from summer camp you held hands with over a decade ago. One second you’re taking a shot and the next second you’re staring at your phone waiting for that chick in your freshman math class to respond to your “I miss you” text.


Here is every thought that goes through your head before you send out that obnoxious, bridge burning, embarrassing drunk text:


1. I wonder how Amanda is doing.

2. Do I still follow her Instgram?

3. Let me check.

4. Yo, did she always have huge tits?

5. Who’s the guy she’s with in this photo?

6. I better check his Facebook.

7. Alright cool he has a girlfriend.

8. And she’s ugly as fuck.

9. Maybe she has hot friends.

10. Nope.

11. Wait….Amanda.

12. I wonder what she’s doing right now?

13. Hopefully she has a Snapchat story.

14. Uck, she’s with Stacy.

15. I hate Stacy.

16. I wonder if they’re coming out tonight.

17. Oh shit, she posted a new Snapchat story.

18. They’re drinking too LET’S GOOO.

19. I better grab another beer.

20. Oh shit, my phone’s at 20%

21. Waait, are they playing MIA?

22. I haven’t heard Paper Planes in like a bajillion years.

23. “All I wanna do is, gun shot gun shot gun shot cash register take ya money”

24. What’s MIA been up to?

25. Time for another drink.

26. New snapchat from Sarah?

27. I bet it’s just a 5 second video of her petting her dog.

28. Yup.

29. I hate you Sarah.

30. I should text Sarah and tell her to never snap me again.

31. Maybe she’s down to hang out right now.

32. No wait her little brother is home from school.

33. I mean if he has a fake ID they can both come or whatever.

34. Nevermind that kid’s lame.

35. He only has 100 followers on Instagram.

36. But he’s only following 55 people.

37. That’s a perfect ratio.

38. Fuck, my phone’s at 10%

39. One last beer.

40. If this girl standing next to me doesn’t stop yelling, I’m going to throw her under the next passing car.

41. Oh shit she’s directly at me.

42. Did I say that out loud?

43. She kind of looks like Amanda actually.

44. OH RIGHT, Amanda.

45. My phone’s at 5%.

46. I’ll just tell her to come here real quick before my phone dies.

47. What should I say?

48. Let me just get one more drink.

49. Actually I’ll get a shot.

50. Alright… SEND.


Then after this long thought process you’re shitfaced and end up texting Sarah, “Sit on my face”.


Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

E-mail to talk directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

Leave a Reply

Welcome to The New York Yankees, Starlin Castro

Jeremy Lin REALLY Looks Like An Asshole