50 Things To Expect From the 2014 NFL Season
Last year pretty much everything i predicted came true so let’s try it again this year. Here are 50 things that are guaranteed to occur in the 2014 NFL season.
1. More people will care about Bon Jovi purchasing the Buffalo Bills than they’ll care about how many games they actually win.
2. Brady Quinn will be cut by the time you finish reading this.
3. The New England Patriots running backs will have a combined zero yards rushing.
4. Rob Gronkowski will break his leg doing keg stands at a frat party during the Patriot bye week.
5. Geno Smith and Michael Vick will battle to see who can throw more interceptions.
6. The New York Jets will be below .500 again and Rex Ryan will SOMEHOW keep his job another year.
7. Joe Flacco will continue to be the most over-payed quarterback in the league
8. Sorry forget what I just said. Andy Dalton is the most over-payed quarterback in the league.
9. Rex Grossman will take Brian Hoyer under his wing. Which means Brian Hoyer will be out the league after this season.
10. Women waiting in line for the bathroom in Pittsburgh bars will tremble in fear when Ben Roethlisberger walks in.
11. Ryan Fitzpatrick will be the DUMBEST fantasy draft pick you will make.
12. Andrew Luck will drag 54 scrubs to the playoffs again.
13. The Jaguars will get the number one draft pick next year and draft another average quarterback.
14. Jake Locker will have a breakout season. And by breakout I mean he will break all of his bones.
15. The Tennessee Titans will lose early and ofter, sorry Jake Locker.
16. Wes Welker will continue to steal millions by catching easy passes from the greatest quarterbacks of our generation.
17. Jamaal Charles broke his teammates leg during practice just by juking. He’s going to run for a shitload of yards this year.
18. Andy Reid will eat himself into a coma once he fully comes to terms with the fact that his QB is Alex Smith.
19. Matt Schaub will continue balding in a very peculiar way.
20. Phillip Rivers will fail a steroids test.
21. Regardless of whether or not the Dallas Cowboys win or lose, Jerry Jones is getting blown by strippers every night.
22. You can’t spell “Elite” without “Eli”. You also can’t spell “Eli is fucking trash and should be euthanized” without “Eli”.
23. Mark Sanchez and Matt Barkley are going to just demolish every chick in Philly.
24.Kirk Cousins will start more games then RGIII.
25. Jay Cutler will continue to give ZERO fucks.
26. Aaron Rodgers and Clay Matthews will have more commercials than wins this season.
27. The wonderful combination of Christian Ponder and Teddy Bridgewater will ensure that the Vikings draft another QB next year.
28. The Atlanta Falcons will come off Hard Knocks HOT and go 8-8.
29. Cam Newton will have to throw passes to himself this year.
30. Jimmy Graham will lead the league in both receiving touchdowns and penalty yards.
31. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers won the Super Bowl in 2003. That sentence will baffle you all season long.
32. Carson Palmer will wish he was in Philly with the rest of the USC guys just slaying box left and right.
33. Sam Bradford will embarrass Missouri worse than Darren Wilson.
34. The San Francisco 49ers vs. The Seattle Seahawks will be the best two games of the season.
35. Russell Wilson will keep getting shorter every time I see him.
36. A player will be suspended 4 games for taking aderall while Ray Rice was only suspended two games for beating the shit out of wife
37. Ray Rice will be the shit out of his wife.
38. Johnny Manziel will start for the Cleveland Browns by week 8.
39. Manziel will rush for a big touchdown and celebrate by popping champagne and doing blow off of a cheerleader.
40. Roger Goddell will Scrooge McDuck into his pile of money every Sunday.
41.Randy Moss and Donovan McNabb attempting to do analysis will be both hilarious and borderline unwatchable.
42. Dan Snyder will rename the Washington Redskins to the Washington Fuck Black Peoples.
43. Retired NFL players will continue to snatch money from the NFL’s pockets because they’re old and have headaches sometimes.
44. No one will give a shit that Michael Sam is gay.
45. The New England Patriots and the San Francisco 49ers will reach the Super Bowl
46. Tom Brady will be the MVP, duh.
47. Richard Sherman will scream in Erin Andrews’ face again, just like every man in her life does.
48. Cooper Manning will be playing the same amount of NFL games this year as I am.
49. I will lose a bad amount of money gambling on games.
50. I will start drinking at 1pm and black out by Sunday Night Football.