50 Lessons Learned From Last Night’s MTV VMA’s
Last night I spent 90 precious minutes of my life watching the MTV VMAs. Here are 50 valuable lessons I’ve learned from that worthwhile experience.
1. It is Beyonce’s world and we’re all lucky enough that she allows us to live in it.
2. Jessie J and Juicy J are two completely different people, apparently.
3. Nicki Minaj’s fake ass looks like a stack of newspapers.
4. I want/need to bang Lucy Hale
5. Kim Kardashian has super sweet tits
6. Impressions aren’t funny.
7. Jay Pharoah isn’t funny.
8. Twitter HATES Taylor Swift
9. Twitter LOVES everyone not named Taylor Swift.
10. Miley Cyrus hangs out with homeless people.
11. Lorde looks like she digs and then proceeds to FILL many shallow graves in her free time.
12. Lorde has dragons, no doubt in my mind.
13. Lorde collects shrunken heads.
14. Lorde has a vast collection of voodoo dolls.
15. Lorde sleeps in a coffin.
16. Lorde has never seen the sun.
17. Lorde put a curse on Princess Aurora.
18. I still don’t know who the fuck Ed Sheeran is?
19. Who the fuck is Ed Sheeran?!
20. Time has beaten the shit out of Chelsea Handler’s face.
21. I honestly couldn’t tell you who won any awards last night.
22. I’m not sure there even were any awards.
23. Taylor Swift isn’t sexy.
24. Taylor Swift is physically built like everyone’s baby sister.
25. 20 seconds and a Coldplay song isn’t really enough to honor the comedy legend, Robin Williams
26. Ariana Grande is 12 years old.
27. Bang Bang is SUCH a shitty song.
28. Snoop Dogg and Gwen Stefani are still alive.
29. I am HYPED for the new Dumb and Dumber movie.
30. I’m pretty sure Rita Ora’s skin is painted on and her hair was taken straight off of the back of the last Kentucky Derby Winner
31. I could smell Iggy Azalea’s rancid vagina through my television.
32. Lorde killed Rachel Dawes and turned Harvey Dent into Two-Face.
33. Lorde cooks EVERYTHING in her cauldron.
34. Lorde’s full name is Lorde Voldemort.
35. Lorde has skeletons in her closet. Literal dead animal skeletons.
36. Lorde arrived at the VMA’s accompanied by thousands of her closest bat friends.
37. Lorde knows exactly what human meat tastes like.
38. Katy Perry has super sweet tits.
39. I haven’t watched a music video since MTV stopped playing music videos.
40. Justin Beiber couldn’t be there because he was too busy DOMINATING the exclusive celebrity party circuit.
41. I don’t think Beiber makes music anymore…
42. Beyonce can bench press more than I can.
43. I have nothing bad to say about Beyonce because I know she could break all of my bones just by flexing in my direction
44. Every Beyonce song is a BANGER.
45. Jay-Z is the only crack dealer that is allowed to hold babies on television.
46. Lorde is a huge Beyonce fan. Oh, also she’s a devil worshiper.
47. Seriously, who the fuck is Ed Sheeran?..
48. Chicken Fries are back in a BIG way. This has nothing to do with the VMAs but fuck those things are delicious.
49. It’s going to be extremely awkward now when Beyonce and Jay-Z divorce.
50. Everyone at the 2014 MTV VMAs could have died last night in a freak accident and I would give no fucks at all.