Last night, I spent 90 precious minutes of my life watching the MTV VMAs. I laughed. I cried. Time to reflect on this emotional roller coaster.
Here are 51 valuable lessons I’ve learned from that worthwhile experience:
1. Everyone who works for MTV is lame as shit.
2. Taylor Swift rolls with a group of girls who all look better than her.
3. You never want to surround yourself with models when you look like the weird girl in gym class who always got hit in the face with the volleyball.
4. Taylor Swift walks into buildings and is just handed awards for shit. Unexplained. No questions asked.
5. Miley Cyrus isn’t funny.
6. No seriously, Miley Cyrus isn’t funny.
7. Taylor Swift thinks everyone in that room is her best friend.
8. Macklemore is a thing that can totally stop happening.
9. I get that Macklemore is being facetious. He’s just not funny.
10. Which one of those gay dancers is Ryan Lewis?
11. Britney Spears’ tits just won’t quit.
12. What is a Mark Ronson?
13. Ohhhh, Mark Ronson is George McFly in the 50’s.
14. The only person trying harder than Miley to be ‘edgy’ and ‘different’ is Jared Leto.
15. Rebel Wilson isn’t funny.
16. Someone, be funny.
17. Nicki Minaj thanking her pastor after winning an award for a video in which she raps about fucking an anaconda dick is interesting.
18. Miley and Nicki’s fake fight is exactly why award shows need writers.
19. SOMEONE, BE FUNNY.
20. So that’s The Weeknd?
21. If you can’t feel your face, then you should 1,000% head to the nearest hospital and maybe write a song after you’ve recovered from your stroke.
22. Chicks love The Weeknd.
23. Kanye REALLY loves The Weeknd.
24. Demi Lovato is the girl I would go home with from the bar and beg my friends not to tell anyone about.
25. Anyone can match with Demi Lovato on Tinder.
26. I feel like Demi Lovato’s hair is perpetually wet.
27. The second Justin Bieber starts singing, the world stops.
28. There is no war. No famine. No disease. Just Justin.
29. Oh my, moves. The footwork. The finesse. Perfection.
30. OH SHIT. Bieber can fly now?!
31. I just read that Justin Bieber was crying at the end of his performance. I couldn’t tell because I was crying so hard myself.
32. “What Do You Mean?” is the song of the summer.
33. I know the summer is over, but it’s for sure the song of the next six days.
34. I wish Tori Kelly was Justin Bieber. Bitch isn’t even flying.
35. Kim Kardashian’s tits are all over the front row.
36. I could watch a video montage of Kanye’s greatness for hours.
37. I love Taylor Swift lying by saying that the first album she purchased was Kanye West.
38. Kanye West is dressed like a 3rd grader’s bagged lunch.
39. I think Kanye is about to apologize to Taylor Swift.
40. Wait… Nope, just shitting on her more.
43. Kanye West died for our sins.
44. I think we’re moments away from seeing an extremely gruesome public suicide.
45. Just waiting for the noose to lower from the rafters and for Kanye to end the fight.
46. Jesus, this fucking award show is STILL on.
48. WAITED ALL NIGHT FOR THIS MILEY TIT. THANK YOU, YEEZUS.
49. Alright, night’s over. We saw the tit.
50. I’m pretty sure this entire night was an hour and a half endorsement for the legalization of marijuana.
51. I hate myself for watching this.
Edited by Morgan Mandriota.