I didn’t see Avengers Infinity War on opening night at the first possible showtime so that I can keep it to myself all weekend as I wait for everyone else to catch up. That’s not how this works.
If you don’t actually want to pay to see this movie or you’re not fully invested in the Avengers but want to stay in the know, here’s everything that happened. If you just want to be a little dickling and ruin this movie for your friends and family then I got you.
Here are Avengers: Infinity War spoilers.
1. All of the Asgardians are dead.
2. Hulk gets his ass beat.
3. You never see The Hulk again.
4. Idris Elba is dead.
5. Loki gets strangled to death.
6. Vision is a human man for reasons that no explains.
7. Seriously, Captain America and everyone shows up and no one asks like ‘hey, Vision, um, were you just Paul Bettany?’
8. Steve Rogers has a beard now.
9. Black Widow is a blonde. It works.
10. Chris Hemsworth asserts his dominance as THE premier Hollywood Chris. Chris Pratt didn’t stand a chance.
11. Thanos sends the goons to get the mind stone from Vision and the time stone from Doctor Strange while he personally gets the reality stone from The Collector.
12. Everything Doctor Strange does is cool.
13. Tony Stark and Peter Parker go into space to save Doctor Strange.
14. Tony Stark makes a new suit for Spider-Man and makes him an Avenger.
15. Thor, Rocket Raccoon and Groot go to get Thor a brand new hammer.
16. Groot is a teenager now.
17. The rest of the Guardians try to stop Thanos from getting the reality stone.
18. We find out that Thanos was to destroy have of the universe’s population because he believes that balance will save people’s life. What a great guy.
19. Oh, we also find out that Thanos killed half of Gamora’s people and essentially kidnapped her to raise her as his own.
20. Thanos takes Gamora because she is the only one who knows where the soul stone is.
21. War Machine is walking again, sort of.
22. RED SKULL BACK, BABYYYY.
23. Red Skull’s spectre attire is for sure a look. My man is out in space protecting the soul stone getting these fits off.
24. Thanos has to sacrifice something he loves in order to get the soul stone.
25. Soooo…SEEE YAAAA Gamora. RIP.
26. Doctor Strange, Spider-Man and Iron Man land on Titan, Thanos’s homeworld, first and wait for him there.
27. Peter Dinklage plays a gigantic dwarf. It’s ironic, don’cha know.
28. The Avengers on Earth decide to bring Vision to Wakanda so that Shuri can extract the mind stone from him and keep him alive.
29. Fuck Marvel for deciding to have this massive fight in Wakanda and destroy the coolest/blackest place in the MCU.
30. Mark Ruffalo is weird the whole time.
31. Thor pretty much proves he’s the baddest motherfucker in the MCU but instead of going to help Team Iron Man on Titan, he goes to Earth for no reason.
32. Doctor Strange uses the time stone to see all possible futures. They win in only 1 out of over 14 million futures. So yea, not great odds.
33. The Guardians of the Galaxy and Team Iron Man fight each other for a little bit.
34. Then Thanos comes through to take the time stone from Strange.
35. They are seconds away from actually beating Thanos but then Star-Lord fucks up the plan because he is an emotional asshole.
36. THANOS THROWS A FUCKING MOOON AT IRON MAN, YO.
37. It’s super convenient that every planet Star-Lord lands on happens to have oxygen for him.
38. Thanos beats Iron Man nearly to death but Doctor Strange is a pussy and just gives him the time stone.
39. Fuck Doctor Strange.
40. Scarlett Witch has to blow up the mind stone in Vision’s head before Thanos gets to it.
41. Black Panther is still mega cool.
42. Bucky has a new arm.
43. There is a brand new group of generic aliens that we get to see the Avengers slaughter as tradition with the third act of these movies.
44. Thanos comes to Earth but Scarlett Witch blows up the soul stone.
45. Fortunately, Doctor Strange gave Thanos the time stone so he just reverses Vision’s death, takes the stone out of his brain and ya know, kills him himself.
46. Thor seemingly kills Thanos pretty easily but then Thanos snaps his fingers andd yea, murders half of the universe.
47. The only heroes still alive are Cap, Black Widow and War Machine.
48. All of the Guardians, Doctor Strange and Spider-Man die on Titan and Iron Man has a very sad goodbye moment with Peter.
49. Thanos wins.
50. Captain Marvel coming soon…
Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee if you read this not expecting real Infinity War spoilers but then I ended up ruining the movie for you. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Like on Facebook so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.