Everyone is deserving of love. Especially Deadseriousness readers. In fact, if you read Deadseriousness then you’re even more deserving of love than most people.
It’s 2019, the year of our lord, and the last you of being single. Trust me. I got you. Take my hand. Walk with me. This is foolproof. Here are 5 Tinder secrets to get every girl to right swipe you, king:
1. Have A Serious Bio
A lot of people will tell you to have a funny bio full of clever witty little lines. Do not even think about doing that. I can’t stress this enough. You start cracking wise in your Tinder bio and next thing you know, homegirl meets up with you and EXPECTS you to be funny. No thanks.
Have an extremely serious Tinder bio in which you reveal your political views, religious beliefs oh, and make sure you put your annual salary as well as your height and weight. If you know you BMI, now is the time to share it.
2. Let Them Know You Drink and Smoke
Chicks. Dig. Dudes. That. Hold. Red. Solo. Cups. Duh. So whip out that bottle of Jim Beam. It’s show time. You know that one super hilarious night when you and your friends drank so many beers and you stacked them sky high on your dining room table? Tinder picture No. 1, my friend.
And don’t forget that sweet sweet delicious kush. If you don’t have a picture with smoke coming out of your nose then just delete your Tinder now. You’re wasting everyone’s time. Fuck it, just post a photo with you holding a bag of weed you just bought. Let her know you have that disposible income.
3. Post All Group Photos
Make sure every photo you post has like, at least 3 or 4 of your bros in it. Turn it into a fun little guessing game for her but [extremely serious voice] never reveal who you are until she’s already agreed to meet up with you and can’t escape once she realizes you aren’t your hot friend. You’re the short one on the end with the patchy facial hair and the stained button down.
Now you guys will have something to talk about all date. Well, you’ll probably get to do most of the talking while she sends ‘SOS’ to her friend’s group chat in hopes that someone will call her phone and she can leave with an ’emergency’. But who cares my dude, you still got that right swipe.
4. Have One Pic With a Pup
Look, dating is all about pretending to be someone you’re not and hiding your true personality until much later on when you trap her in a relationship and she’s stuck with you.
So have a picture with a cute puppy to shield her from the fact that you’re actually a monster. She’ll be distracted by the dog and next thing you know, she’s in a 3-year relationship with someone she hates and you never even had a dog. You just saw someone walking a dog on the street and asked to take a photo with him.
5. Pop That Top
We’re bringing shirtless pics back in 2019. They tried to humiliate us. Tried to call us tools. Not anymore. Pop. That. Top. Show some skin so she knows what her prize is about to be.
And this isn’t just for my gym regulars. Dad bods were in a few years ago and they haven’t gone anywhere. Tits out for the girls. You know she’s on Tinder looking to get some nipples. Feed her what she needs.
No shirts in 2019.
Congrats on all your Tinder right swipes, kings.
Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee if these Tinder right swipe secrets found you love. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Follow on Instagram so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.