The 2019 NBA Draft Lottery was Tuesday night. As a Knicks fan, I don’t have much to say so let’s fast forward to the article. Like every big event, there are winners and there are losers.
First, here are the winners:
1. Memphis Grizzlies
The fuck? How are the Grizzlies sneaking into the Top 5 every year? Are they about to smoothly transition from Mike Conley and Marc Gasol to Ja Morant and Jaren Jackson?
*whispers* I don’t even know where Memphis is.
2. Los Angeles Lakers
The Lakers went from zero leverage to now having a new trade chip and max cap space. If you ignore the nerds protesting outside of the Staples Center, this team might actually fuck around and make moves this summer.
Can’t wait til they get Jimmy Butler and Blake Griffin and Jason Kidd drives home drunk after winning their first preseason game.
3. Kevin Durant/Kyrie Irving
Kevin Durant and/or Kyrie Irving is/are coming to New York this summer. Those are facts. Another fact about these two men: they are sociopaths. There is nothing these two men could’ve wanted less than to share the spotlight with some 19-year old with more Instagram followers than them.
4. The City of New Orleans
The New Orleans front office sucks and doesn’t deserve this W but the city of New Orleans got a huge W. They get Zion Williamson for the next 7 years until he demands a trade to Los Angeles like Chris Paul and Anthony Davis, as is tradition.
And now onto the Losers…
1. Dell Demps
Suuuucks to lose your GM job a month before the team that fires you miraculously wins the No. 1 overall pick out of nowhere. As soon as the Pelicans lost the most talented player in their franchise history and you’re looking at a black hole of rebuilding for the next half decade, NOPE, in comes Zion Williamson and you have a new superstar overnight.
2. Unoriginal NBA Twitter nerds
I’ve survived a lot of Knicks jokes over the years. I watched Stephen Marbury eat vasoline. I saw Carmelo Anthony open hand slap Mardy Collins. Shit, I saw the Knicks draft Mardy Collins.
But for whatever reason, the NBA Twitter community that has a terrible sense of humor and the people that think World Wide Wob was one of the original Kings of Comedy with Cedric and Bernie Mac, all jumped out of the window with mocking the Knicks.
The Suns and Bulls were absolute garbage this season and aren’t even in the Top 5. Cleveland barely snuck in there themselves. The Knicks got the 3 pick. They’ll be fine.
I suppose if you’re not from New York, you were frustrated hearing about Durant coming and Zion being drafted and blah blah but let’s not act like the Knicks need Zion. 29 other teams can’t draft him other.
Get. Off. New York’s. Nuts.
3. Phoenix Suns
I actually wasn’t going to include the Suns and this is going to fuck up this list and make me have to reorganize the whole thing but I just realized how hilarious it is that the Suns have the sixth pick. Yo, they’re going to stink FOREVER HAHAHA.
Here comes another season of Devin Booker scoring 64 points a night while the Suns as a whole average 70 points per game. A whole squad full of 22 year olds who have no idea how to play basketball.
4. Boston Celtics
Remember when Boston had all of these ‘assets’. All we kept hearing about is ‘assets’.
And now entering 2019, all the Celtics have to show for their treasure chest is Jayson Tatum who seems like he’s too shy to pee in a urinal when another guy is in the bathroom and has been tainted by Kobe like that woman in Colorado, a Gordon Hayward who has a max contract and one leg, the 14th pick in the next draft, no Kyrie, no Terry Rozier, and the fresh taste of Giannis’s tzatziki dipped dick.
5. The NBA
I’m hearing a lot of people say that this year’s lottery ended tanking in the NBA.
It’s quite literally the polar opposite.
The New Orleans Pelicans cut the cord on the season after the trade deadline by benching Anthony Davis and were rewarded with the first pick. Same thing with Memphis after trading away Marc Gasol. These two teams were battling for the playoffs until the halfway mark when they decided to punt.
The Lakers waited even longer and they were gifted the No. 4 after shutting LeBron down with two weeks to go. These new lottery odds didn’t end tanking. They just moved back the date in which tanking begins.
There are now teams who could be battling for the 8th seed down the homestretch of the season who can now hit the eject button and end up drafting in the Top 5.
Would you rather sneak into the playoffs as the 8th seed and get teabagged by Steph Curry or would you rather slam on the breaks and chill at the 10th seed like Los Angeles and get a Top 5 selection?
Tanking is stronger than ever now because so many more teams can participate. The regular season is going to be even more meaningless. You can stop watching games after the All-Star break.