It’s finally here. Godzilla vs. Kong. I’ve waited my entire dumb meaningless life to watch this lizard fight this gorilla. Let’s dig into this trailer.
Here’s the plot description from Warner Bros studio:
In a time when monsters walk the Earth, humanity’s fight for its future sets Godzilla and Kong on a collision course that will see the two most powerful forces of nature on the planet collide in a spectacular battle for the ages. As Monarch embarks on a perilous mission into uncharted terrain and unearths clues to the Titans’ origins, a human conspiracy threatens to wipe the creatures, both good and bad, from the face of the earth forever.
Let’s. Fucking. Go.
- PG-13? Fine. Would’ve liked some Kaiju nudity but I suppose I don’t need it.
- Sometimes I wonder what it’s like living in these movie universes where major cities are just constantly on fire while monsters rip skyscrapers out of the Earth’s crust to punch other monsters in the face.
- Literally everyone you know dies under the weight of falling debris like, every six months and that’s just normalized for you.
- Going to mention this a few times so let’s just get it out the way now: King Kong isn’t that big.
- First shot of Kong has him shackled to a freighter and he’s hanging off the side a little bit but he’s about the size of a freighter which would be a problem because if you recall the previous Godzilla movie, that motherfucker was 90 million stories tall, approximately.
- Alexander Skarsgaard wearing a vest he found in the trash on set. Wow, what an every man.
- Growing up I always connected with King Kong as we seemed to have the same taste in women (busty blondes) but I love that we have both grown past that nonsense as Kong no longer has a female lead he’s chasing in this movie.
- No, apparently his human connection is some little girl that I will pretend to care about for 2 and a half hours.
- Clearly, we are supposed to be on Kong’s side of his dispute with Godzilla. Nah. He’s basically a fed working with government agencies and shit. Nope, can’t make me like him because he fist bumps a small brown girl.
- GODZILLA TIME, WHAT IT DO, BAYBEEEEEEE
- Notice as jets shoot missiles at Godzilla in the water, he looks like he’s the size of an entire island.
- King Kong is sitting comfortably on a boat with plenty of room to spare in this shot and Godzilla stands up from the water towering over him.
- Cut to the next shot andddd suddenly they are the same size. I need answers.
- Mind you, Godzilla is standing ON THE PACIFIC OCEAN FLOOR but okay yes, he and King Kong see eye to eye. Ok.
- Also lololol at this early 2000’s generic heavy rock soundtrack. This song is like, from the opening of a Spike TV series. You hear this song and think that Blue Mountain State is starting.
- Kyle Chandler: Godzilla’s out there hurting people and we don’t know why
- Uh…humanity has tried to kill Godzilla with nuclear bombs since they’ve discovered nuclear bombs. You can’t figure out why he might have some qualms with mankind?
- Shout out to Eleven for still getting paychecks after Stranger Things.
- Remember when Drake was being really creepy around her and a bunch of other teenage girls? We should probably have that discussion one of these days but after Godzilla vs. Kong.
- Paper boy Paper boy, I’m all about that Paper boy.
- We need more seasons of Atlanta STAT.
- “There was a war…and they’re the last one’s standing” LETSGOOOOOOO
- No but seriously, these people should be wearing facemasks. It’s a pandemic.
- Wait, who gave King Kong a magic staff that can absorb and redirect Godzilla’s fire blasts?
- The shit looks made out of wood which, as I’m sure some of you know, is a highly flammable material.
- Doesn’t matter though. Kong is just different.
- Godzilla vs. Kong: you know who wins? The audience.
- Also probably Godzilla because King Kong dying tragically is inevitable.