This is the first year I’m trying this so let’s see how this goes but welcome to the 2020 NFL draft pick-by-pick breakdown in which I will give ‘analysis’ of every single selection of the draft from pick 1 to 2,000 or however many there are.
I can’t believe I’m about to watch the 6th and 7th rounds of the NFL draft. This quarantine is changing me. Look how desperate I am for live programming.
Anyway, follow along for live updates. See how your team did and where your favorite college players landed.
1. Cincinnati Bengals: Joe Burrow QB LSU
Bart Simpson Joe Burrow just had the greatest season in college football history. A decade ago that may have not mattered by the modern NFL has finally embraced college football playbooks so Burrow won’t have much difficulty translating that to the NFL. Or maybe he will. I don’t know. It’s the Bengals.
2. Washington Redskins: Chase Young DE Ohio State
Chase Young is joining a pass rushing force that includes Ryan Kerrigan’s 90 career sacks and 2019’s first round draft pick, Montez Sweat. He’s joining a coaching staff of defensive minded head coach, Ron Rivera and proven defensive coordinator, Jack Del Rio. RIP Carson Wentz.
3. Detroit Lions: Jeff Okudah CB Ohio State
I genuinely believe Jeff Okudah is a lockdown corner and steps into the NFL as a top 20 corner from day one. He’s already better than Darius Slay who was traded to the Eagles this offseason. All Okudah needs to succeed is for Matt Patricia to become unemployed.
4. New York Giants: Andrew Thomas OT Georgia
There are so many great offensive tackles on the board. The Giants picked the least talented one. But anyone is better than Nate Solder who *refreshes page* yup still fucking stinks. Solder was 2nd in the NFL last season in sacks allowed. Yea, Andrew Thomas is better than that.
5. Miami Dolphins: Tua Tagovailoa QB Alabama
Tua Tagovailoa is the best quarterback in the draft and the Dolphins didn’t have to give away any draft assets to move up and grab him. They tanked for Tua and it actually worked. Now he gets to study under the wing of Ryan Fitzpatrick and his cocaine fueled playing style. Tua is about to be the most electric player in the NFL.
6. San Diego Chargers: Justin Herbert QB Oregon
The comparison to Joey Harrington is obvious as they both attended Oregon but even more obvious in that I don’t think Justin Herbert will ever be a difference maker and the Chargers are going to waste half a decade trying to build around this nerd.
7. Carolina Panthers: Derrick Brown DT Auburn
Derrick Brown might sneaky be just as impactful as Chase Young in his career but you won’t hear it from me. He’s a cop. Derrick Brown is the feds.
8. Arizona Cardinals: Isaiah Simmons LB Clemson
Oh, so we’re going to let the Cardinals trade for DeAndre Hopkins AND draft the most talented and versatile defender in the draft?? This is allowed? This is legal?? Derrick Brown, do something about this.
9. Jacksonville Jaguars: CJ Henderson CB Florida
Love this new trend of trading away your All-Pro caliber star and then immediately drafting their lesser replacement. Jalen Ramsey CJ Henderson is not. And such a stacked wide receiver class, you’d think the team that just cut Marquise Lee would want to give Gardner Minshew an actual target but nope. They have to repair their ego.
10. Cleveland Browns: Jedrick Wills OT Alabama
The Browns went out and snatched up Jack Conklin to play right tackle and now drafted the top right tackle available. Any other team and I’d simply explain that Wills only played right tackle at Alabama because Tua was left handed and he was protecting his blind side so he’d be able to move that to the left side BUT it’s the Browns so they have two right tackles and it’s going to fall apart.
11. New York Jets: Mekhi Becton OT Louisville
Becton is the best offensive tackle in the draft and fell to No. 11 because he got popped for weed in a league that literally just signed a new collective bargaining agreement that will no longer test for weed. NFL GMs are so bad at this.
12. Las Vegas Raiders: Henry Ruggs WR Alabama
Mike Mayock and Jon Gruden had a great draft last season so I should probably just blindly give them the benefit of the doubt here and actually fuck what I was going to write. I love the idea of giving Derek Carr—a coward who is afraid to throw the ball further than 5 yards—a glorified slot receiver whose best skill is running after the catch. Throw him a 5-yard slant and watch him take it to the house. Perfect marriage.
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Tristan Wirfs OT Iowa
I wonder what the Bucs drafts strategy was before signing Tom Brady but I can promise that Bruce Arians did not want to give a shit about giving Jameis Winston anymore help on offense than he deserves. They would’ve drafted 7 defensive players out of spite.
14. San Francisco 49ers: Javon Kinlaw DL South Carolina
The trend continues. Trade DeForest Buckner. Instantly replace him with Javon Kinlaw, a player who is both not as good as DeForest Buckner but does not improve their team in any way. The strength of the 49ers is their D-Line. You know what they didn’t need more of? D-Line.
15. Denver Broncos: Jerry Jeudy WR Alabama
Drew Lock went 4-1 as a starter last season. Give him the best wide receiver in the draft and the Broncos might not-so-lowkey blow up the AFC next season. Lock to Jeudy could be the next Manning to Harrison, assuming Jeudy keeps that thang on him.
16. Atlanta Falcons: AJ Terrell CB Clemson
Drew Brees has been beating Atlanta’s ass for years and now Tom Brady is coming to town to do the same. Atlanta needed reinforcements in their secondary ASAGDFP.
17. Dallas Cowboys: CeeDee Lamb WR Dallas Cowboys
I’m fucking sick. CeeDee Lamb fell into the Cowboys lap at 17 and I blame the 49ers for picking a D-Lineman for no reason. Whatever you think about Dak Prescott’s passing skills, he can hit wide open receivers and both Amari Cooper and CeeDee Lamb will be open often.
18. Miami Dolphins: Austin Jackson OL USC
Every time I turned to a USC game last season, the QB was getting crushed and limping off the field so bold move to draft one of those linemen. He’s probably not ready for the NFL but everyone keeps saying neither is Tua. The Dolphins are building a team for the future.
19. Las Vegas Raiders: Damon Arnette CB Ohio State
Not a huge fan of drafting a corner who played alongside the best corner in the country. There is no way you’re getting a legit evaluation of his talent but as I mentioned earlier, we don’t question the Raiders here.
20. Jacksonville Jaguars: K’Lavon Chaisson Edge LSU
The Jags had a Top 10 pass rush last season so naturally they needed a pass rusher and not, ya know, ONE PLAYER for Gardner Minshew to throw to. They are actively attempting to trade Leonard Fournette. Guys, who is Gardner playing with this season?
21. Philadelphia Eagles: Jalen Raegor WR TCU
Eagles drafted a Targaryen. That has certainly never backfired in the past.
22. Minnesota Vikings: Justin Jefferson WR LSU
Trade a star. Draft his not-as-good replacement. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. I just can’t wait until he finishes what Stefon Diggs started and chokes out Kirk Cousins when he under throws a wide open deep ball.
23. San Diego Chargers: Kenneth Murray LB Oklahoma
I think the Chargers are going to score around 3 points a game next season and they’ll still end up 8-8 because their defense has Joey Bosa, Derwin James returning from injury and now human tackle machine Kenneth Murray.
24. New Orleans Saints: Cesar Ruiz C Michigan
Last season the Saints drafted center, Erik McCoy, in the 2nd round and he had a great rookie season. Now they’re using their 2020 first round pick to draft uh, another center. Ok. Have doctors discussed the cognitive side effects of catching Coronavirus yet?
25. San Francisco 49ers: Brandon Aiyuk WR Arizona State
Good job I guess? It’s still fuck the 49ers over here for letting CeeDee Lamb for to Dallas.
26. Green Bay Packers: Jordan Love QB Utah State
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHABAHBAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *deep breath* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHABAHBAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
27. Seattle Seahawks: Jordyn Brooks LB Texas Tech
Love when teams have so many holes in their roster and uses their first round pick to address none of them. They basically drafted Bobby Wagner’s replacement which seems unnecessary with Bobby Wagner still very much there.
28. Baltimore Ravens: Patrick Queen LB LSU
The story of Batman Beyond is that in the future, Bruce Wayne is elderly and can’t fight crime in Gotham anymore so he injects his DNA into a random kid that he eventually trains into the next Batman, which is some real gross billionaire Jeffrey Epstein shit BUT my point is, this is what the Ravens did to Queen’s parents like 22 years ago.
29. Tennessee Titans: Isaiah Wilson OT Georgia
If the Titans plan on double-down on Ryan Tannehill and Derrick Henry then their success is 1000% dependent on the strength of their offensive line. There was literally no other pick for them to make here.
30. Miami Dolphins: Noah Igbinoghene CB Auburn
The Dolphins made Byron Jones the highest paid corner in the NFL and proceeded to draft the top corner left on the board. Interesting move to wait for Tom Brady to move into your state to finally decide to build this type of secondary but better late than never or whatever.
31. Minnesota Vikings: Jeff Gladney CB TCU
I read a headline that said Jeff Gladney is perfect for dealing with Mike Zimmer yelling at him. Football is the best. The best skill Gladney brings to the Vikings is that he LOVES being talked down to by old white dudes.
32. Kansas City Chiefs: Clyde Edwards-Helaire RB LSU
Stop. Drafting. Running. Backs.
33. Cincinnati Bengals: Tee Higgins WR Clemson
Drafting a QB in round 1 and a WR in round 2? What are the Bengals up to over there? They trying to build a Super Bowl contender or some shit?? Also worth remembering that AJ Green is still on the roster and as much as Joe Burrow succeeded at LSU last season, he was also throwing to the best weapons in the country. Give him stars and he’ll get them the ball. Football can truly be that simple sometimes.
34. Indianapolis Colts: Michael Pittman Jr WR USC
The Colts would be a Super Bowl favorite if Andrew Luck sacrificed his health the way we’re forcing grocery store cashiers to do right now but instead, we have Philip Rivers chucking the ball directly into the arms of the opposing team’s safeties and missing Michael Pittman by miles.
35. Detroit Lions: DeAndre Swift RB Georgia
You can have the most talented running back on planet Earth and it won’t matter when Matty Stafford is leading the league in pass attempts when he’s throwing the ball 60 times a game and audibling out of every run play. Every year Detroit gets a new back and every year it doesn’t matter.
36. New York Giants: Xavier McKinney S Alabama
Xaiver McKinney follows a prestigious legacy of Alabama safeties including Minkah Fitzpatrick, Eddie Jackson, Mark Barron and *whispers* Landon Collins. But unlike Collins, McKinney is far superior at pass defense which the Giants need after ranking 31st at defending deep passes last season.
37. New England Patriots: Kyle Dugger S Lenoir Rhyne
I don’t love Kyle Dugger going against division II athletes so suddenly having to line up across from Stefon Diggs but from everything I’ve seen, he was an absolute animal, as he should’ve been. At worst, he’s bringing a shitload of confidence with him. And that confidence will continue to sky rocket when he’s eating Jarrett Stidham alive in practice every day.
38. Carolina Panthers: Yetur Gross-Matos Edge Penn State
ESPN spent more time telling us, total strangers, about the death of Yetur’s father in a boating accident and his younger brother dying from being struck by lightning then they did actually talking about um, football. Shit’s gross. In no reality is it okay to blast these 21 year old’s personality tragedy onto a national broadcast sandwiched between Goodell’s awful jokes. Fuck off, ESPN.
Anyway, Gross Matos is going to look good playing alongside officer Derrick Brown.
39. Miami Dolphins: Robert Hunt OL Louisiana
Last season the Dolphins allowed 58 sacks last season which led the league, if you can imagine. Their initial solution was to sign Ereck Flowers last month. So it looked as if they were attempting to shoot for 59 sacks allowed but now that they’ve selected Auston Jackson and Robert Hunt, perhaps they’re building something down there.
40. Houston Texans: Ross Blalock DT TCU
After the Texans are finally on the clock after giving away every pick to get run out of the gym by the Chiefs in the playoffs last season. This hurts to say but Bill O’Brien actually made a good pick. This league is all about rushing the passer and Blalock teamed up with JJ Watt is going to be a PROBLEM for opposing offensive lines.
41. Indianapolis Colts: Jonathan Taylor RB Wisconsin
Guys, we just did this. Like. It just happened. Someone please explain to me the difference between Keenan Allen, Mike Williams Melvin Gordon and Austin Eckler in San Diego and TY Hilton, Michael Pittman, Marlon Mack and now Jonathan Taylor in Wisconsin? Philip Rivers isn’t good at this anymore.
42. Jacksonville Jaguars: Laviska Shenault WR Colorado
From what I can gather, Shenault is Cordarelle Patterson, player that you throw screen passes to and let them run after the catch or return kicks and punts or hand off in WR sweep plays. Not necessarily a great receiver though.
43. Chicago Bears: Cole Kmet TE Notre Dame
Good move by the Chicago Be—what’s that? The Bears just signed Jimmy Graham and basically just wasted this pick? Hm. That’s on brand.
44. Cleveland Browns: Grant Delpit S LSU
Here’s a super specific stat that I love: The Cleveland Browns led the NFL with 140 MISSED TACKLES last season. lolololol. Grant Delpit’s biggest weakness is his ability to tackle. Welcome home, Grant.
45. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Antoine Winfield Jr DB Minnesota
The Bucs have Shaq Barrett and Ndamukong Suh are pressuring the hell out of opposing quarterbacks and their secondary has yet to take advantage of it. Winfield Jr might accidentally lead the league in interceptions this season especially if that Bucs offense is going to score as much as we all think they will and teams are going to be forced to throw to keep up on the scoreboard.
46. Denver Broncos: KJ Hamler WR Penn State
This feels like some level of irony or punishment by a vengeful god. Joe Flacco’s one skill is throwing the deep ball and now the Broncos draft speed demons Jerry Jeudy and KJ Hamler after they cut him.
47. Atlanta Falcons: Marlon Davidson DL Auburn
Marlon Davidson was one of the best D-Linemen in the nation playing next to lieutenant Derrick Brown at Auburn and now he’s going to Atlanta to play next to Grady Jarrett. Huge fan of keeping players in the same environment in which they originally succeeded.
48. Seattle Seahawks: Darrell Taylor Edge Tennesee
Seattle had 28 sacks last season which ranked 31st in the league. Not great. Also don’t know why people wonder why Jadeveon Clowney is still a free agent. He’s supposed to be a pass rushing specialist and the Seahawks sucked last season. Darrell Taylor can also do nothing and he’s significantly cheaper.
49. Pittsburgh Steelers: Chase Claypool WR Notre Dame
The Steelers are legally obligated to select a wide receiver in every single in NFL draft. Claypool is a big possession receiver that will pair well with JuJu Smith-Schuster’s downfield speed. Big Ben will also need Claypool underneath when you all see that he’s an old man that can’t get the ball to JuJu anymore.
50. Chicago Bears: Jaylon Johnson CB Utah
The Bears wish Jaylon Johnson was a tight end so badly.
51. Dallas Cowboys: Trevon Diggs CB Alabama
Okay this is like, the 4th mention of Stefon Diggs but this is his brother and this is probably the only time I should’ve mentioned him. As a life long Josh Allen fan, I must bring up the Buffalo Bills at all times. I apologize.
52. Los Angeles Rams: Cam Akers RB Florida State
This basically counts as the Rams first round draft pick after giving all of them away for players that led them to a very cute 9-7 season but thankfully, Bill O’Brien bailed them out and handed them a 2nd rounder. Todd Gurley and his elderly knees, gone. Cam Akers and his young man knees, very much in. Rams BACK.
53. Philadelphia Eagles: Jalen Hurts QB Oklahoma
The Philadelphia Eagles used a valuable 2nd round draft pick to select a backup QB to hold the clipboard for their 27-year franchise quarterback. Jalen Hurts isn’t better than Carson Wentz. If you wanted a backup, you could’ve signed Colt McCoy or whatever. Maybe let’s not waste 2nd rounders on guys who will quite literally never play.
54. Buffalo Bills: AJ Epenesa Edge Iowa
Some scouts were saying that AJ Epenesa was the second best pass rusher behind Chase Young. He is now joining one of the best defenses in the NFL and let’s just hand the Bills the AFC East right now.
55. Baltimore Ravens: JK Dobbins RB Ohio State
Lamar Jackson. Mark Ingram. JK Dobbins. The Ravens are rushing for 500 yards a game and no one can stop them.
56. Miami Dolphins Raekwon Davis DT Alabama
I don’t have much to say about Raekwon Davis except that he was shot in the leg in a bar a couple years ago. You know, that totally standard thing that happens to all of us all the time.
57. Los Angeles Rams: Van Jefferson WR Florida
Brandin Cooks out. Van Jefferson in. Here’s my problem with Jefferson: my man is 24 years old. He’s older than Juju Smith-Schuster. By 24 years old, we are no longer looking at a prospect. We can’t talk ‘ceilings’ anymore. Van Jefferson is going to be what he was in college. Fine.
58. Minnesota Vikings: Ezra Cleveland OT Boise State
Not to get all nerdy about zone blocking in Gary Kubiak’s offensive scheme but Ezra Cleveland is the perfect tackle for this playstyle.
59. New York Jets: Denzel Mims WR Baylor
Robby Anderson is a talented receiver but it’s wild that the Jets haven’t had a 1,000-yard receiver since Eric Decker and Brandon Marshall in 2015. Am I the only one who thinks it’s a good idea to put a great receiver with your young quarterback? Why are teams suddenly realizing this is a good idea?
60. New England Patriots: Josh Uche LB Michigan
Yes, Brady is gone and it’s important to replace him but it’s also important to remember that New England lost Jamie Collins, Kyle Van Noy and Duron Harmon as well. The defense carried this team last season and Uche is young mind for Belichick to manipulate.
61. Tennesee Titans: Kristian Fulton CB LSU
The Titans ranked 21st in pass defense last season which is how you get stuffed in a locker by the Kansas City Chiefs in the playoffs. I’m not about to sit here and say that Fulton is going to suddenly lock down Tyreek Hill but someone has to try.
62. Green Bay Packers: AJ Dillon RB Boston College
AJ Dillion is a 247-pound mitochondria. I love the idea of Aaron Rodgers handing the ball off to his version of Derrick Henry and just getting the fuck out of the way. The problem is, that’s not how Rodgers plays football and in a pass-heavy offense, perhaps it’s not ideal to draft a running back who caught a grand total of 21 passes in three full seasons as the Boston College starting running back.
63. Kansas City Chiefs: Willie Gay Jr LB Mississippi State
The Chiefs had one of the worst defenses last season allowing 4.9 yards per rush. Enter Willie Gay Jr who is your stereotypical run into a wall helmet first until you taste blood type linebacker that we all grew up loving. Ray Lewis, Brian Urlacher etc etc. Gay is the type of sociopath the Chiefs need to win another Super Bowl.
64. Carolina Panthers: Jeremy Chinn S Southern Illinois
Jeremy Chinn gets hurt like, all the time. Interesting move by the Panthers so select an injury prone player when they cut Cam Newton for being injury prone and upon my research, it would appear as though Jeremy Chinn has significantly less NFL MVP trophies than Cam.
65. Cincinnati Bengals: Logan Wilson LB Wyoming
Logan Wilson has 409 career tackles at Wyoming. I can’t congratulate the Chargers for selecting Kenneth Murray without also praising the Bengals for snatching up Logan Wilson in the 3rd round. The Bengals linebackers suck. They need Wilson.
66. Washington Redskins: Antonio Gibson WR Memphis
Gibson is a receiver, a running back and a return specialist. Personally, I think these types of players are highly overrated and I’ll take someone who is just a receiver who can run routes and catch passes over a guy you need to create trick plays to highlight but I also don’t think it matters in this case because Dwayne Haskins won’t be getting him the ball on time regardless.
67. Detroit Lions: Julian Okwara LB Notre Dame
The Lions were trash last season and with the opportunity to rebuild in the draft, they’ve elected to pick a linebacker who excels at zero things and will most likely be a backup in his entire career. Third round and the Lions are already out of good decisions.
68. New York Jets: Ashtyn Davis S California
Picking Ashtyn Davis the same week there are reports that the Jets are negotiating a long term deal with Jamal Adams is a good way to make sure that you’re still the New York Jets. I always love teams refusing to pay their best players and then drafting their replacement who they will also not want to pay and expecting a different result each time.
69. Seattle Seahawks: Damien Lewis G LSU
I’ve seen enough footage of Joe Burrow sitting in the pocket with all the time in the world to complete throws in the pocket so I’m okay with Lewis to the Seahawks. They need offensive line help and I’m all in on just selecting dudes from LSU this year.
70. Miami Dolphins: Brandon Jones S Texas
Brandon Jones lined up at safety as well as linebacker at Texas but not the same way as Isaiah Simmons at Clemson. Jones played both positions because he wasn’t particularly dominant at either and for a safety, he’s kind of slow. But again, love Miami building a powerhouse secondary post-Brady.
71. Baltimore Ravens: Brandon Madubuike DT Texas A&M
I read one scouting report that said Madibuike could’ve been a first round draft pick. He went 71 to join a Ravens defensive line that already has Brandon Williams, Derek Wolfe and Calais Campbell. I know it’s extremely cliche to talk about ‘controlling the line scrimmage’ but shit, the Ravens will be controlling the line of scrimmage.
72. Arizona Cardinals: Josh Jones OT Houston
The Arizona Cardinals offensive line gave up 50 sacks last season. Here’s the thing about Kyler Murray: he’s Mike Vick reincarnated (even though OG Mike Vick is still very much alive) but he’s also 5-foot-3 and 95 pounds so yea, Arizona is going to want to keep 300-pound body builders from powerbombing him behind the line of scrimmage.
73. Jacksonville Jaguars: DaVon Hamilton DT Ohio State
I don’t know how many tackles I believe a nose tackle should record considering their job isn’t necessarily to swallow up tackles but like, I feel like 18 tackles is bit on the low side. And hey, maybe it’s Chase Young’s fault for stealing all the tackles. Or maybe the Jags just shrugged this pick away.
74. New Orleans Saints: Zack Braun LB Wisconsin
To be honest, I have no idea why Zack Braun fell to No. 74 in this draft. He’s probably a Top 5 linebacker coming out of college who proved he can rush the passer with 12.5 sacks last season but can also stand at middle linebacker and blow up a rushing play. His name is Zack with a K. How can NFL GMs be so naive?
75. Detroit Lions: Jonah Jackson G Ohio State
I guess the Lions needed SOMEONE inside to prevent Matt Stafford from getting his back broken again after finding out during the offseason that literally zero teams want to take one his stupid contract. Might as well be the guard who only transferred to Ohio State because Rutgers didn’t have the master’s program he wanted. Aaron Donald is going to kill this nerd.
76. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Ke’Shawn Vaughn RB Vanderbilt
I’m not writing about a running back right now. Here’s some footage.
77. Denver Broncos: Michael Ojemudia CB Iowa
The Broncos might low-key be having the best draft. They’ve given Drew Lock two great receivers to throw to and now they have a corner that can excel in man coverage and will be lining up on the other side of AJ Bouye. I reallyyyy think the Broncos are going to napalm the AFC next season.
78. Atlanta Falcons: Matt Hennessy C Temple
Matt Hennessy was the highest rated center in pass protection last season which is good, I reckon.
79. New York Jets: Jabari Zuniga DE Florida
Last season, the Jets only had one front-seven defender record more than 3 sacks last season. Real quick, I still cannot believe the Giants gave up draft picks for Leonard Williams, a D-Line who recorded zero sacks. Zero good NFL GMs.
80. Las Vegas Raiders: Lynn Bowden Jr. RB Kentucky
I’ve already mentioned that offensive players who lack positions are overrated as hell. The Raiders drafted a wildcat QB. Cool. He’ll be on the field 9 plays a game and might get one first down. Congrats.
81. Las Vegas Raiders: Bryan Edwards WR South Carolina
I’m actually all in on pairing Bryan Edwards and Henry Ruggs together in Vegas. I’m not saying they’re Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldon back but they’re lesser comparable versions. All they need to do is give the keys to Marcus Mariota and it’s a wrap.
82. Dallas Cowboys: Neville Gallimore DT Oklahoma
Gallimore is a Canadian. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions from there.
83. Denver Broncos: Lloyd Cushenberry III C LSU
As a New York Giants fan, I am disgusted by the quality of third round centers knowing that the Giants could use one and they traded their third round pick to the Jets and fuck Dave Gettleman. Good for Denver tho.
84. Los Angeles Rams: Terrell Lewis LB Alabama
Dante Fowler, Cory Littleton and Clay Matthews are all gone. The Rams straight up lost all three of their starting linebackers and now they’re bringing in Terrell Lewis who missed time in 2017 with an elbow injury and 2018 with a torn ACL BUT football is a dangerous sport and linebackers get hurt. I’m going to rack this up as a steal for LA.
85. Indianapolis Colts: Julian Blackmon S Utah
9 interceptions and 20 passes deflected in his last three seasons at Utah. He will have a role on this upcoming Colts defense without a doubt. Or he’ll suck. What do you want from me?
86. Buffalo Bills: Zack Moss RB Utah
UTAH STAND THE FUUUUUCK UP LETS GOOOO WE OUT HERE. I know I’m hard on teams that pick running backs but it’s always the wrong teams doing so. When Kansas City wastes a first round pick on a running back that they’ll let carry the ball 9 times, it’s foolish. But teams like Baltimore and Buffalo that are run-first are getting my praise. Zack Moss and Josh Allen are going to send cornerbacks attempting to tackle them to the emergency room.
Buffalo, meet Utah RB Zack Moss🔥pic.twitter.com/wDySBDdNFY
— PFF Draft (@PFF_College) April 25, 2020
87. New England Patriots: Anfernee Jennings LB Alabama
Anfernee Jennings is a 6-foot-3 260-pound linebacker from Alabama who will be backing up Donta Hightower, a 6-foot-3 260-pound linebacker from Alabama. Spider-Man is pointing directly at Spider-Man right now.
88. Cleveland Browns: Jordan Elliott DT Missouri
5.5 sacks in two seasons as a starter isn’t a great look but he’s a massive kid who will just occupy offensive linemen’s attention for guys like Myles Garrett and Olivier Vernon to sneak past.
89. Minnesota Vikings: Cameron Dantzler CB Mississippi State
Jeff Gladney has all the pressure of replacing Xavier Rhodes. Cam Dantzler just has to come in and make like, one play a game and avoid getting burned so badly that it trends on Twitter.
90. Houston Texans: Jonathan Greenard LB Florida
Greenard record 10 sacks last season with an injured wrist. Bill O’Brien is the worst coach and GM in the league but man, that low-IQ fail king knows how to find pass rushers.
91. New England Patriots: Devin Asiasi TE UCLA
Here’s a cute stat: In 2019, all of the Patriots tight ends combined for 36 receptions. Devin Asiai had 44 last season on his own. I think Asiasi is average as hell but average is an upgrade from the bums the Patriots had last season.
92. Baltimore Ravens: Devin Duvernay WR Texas
Like Hollywood Brown last season, Duvernay is a deep threat and I love the idea of surrounding Lamar Jackson with receivers who’ll just haul ass down field when a play breaks down and Lamar is maneuvering in the backfield.
93. Tennesee Titans: Darrynton Evans RB Appalachian State
Everything I said about the Ravens and Bills drafting a running back. Crtl + C. Ctrl + V.
94. Green Bay Packers: Josiah Deguara TE Cincinnati
I read a scouting report that Josiah Deguara could potentially move to fullback so A+ for Green Bay. John Kuhn BACK.
95. Denver Broncos: McTelvin Agim DT Arkansas
The most impressive stat from Agim’s college career is the 6 forced fumbles. If he’s going to force turnovers and get the ball back into the hands of Drew Lock and Jerry Jeudy then the Broncos are going to win more often than they lose.
96. Kansas City Chiefs: Lucas Niang OT TCU
Okay, this makes up for drafting a running back in the first round. Almost.
97. Cleveland Browns: Jacob Phillips LB LSU
Jacob Phillips is the 10th LSU player selected in the 2020 NFL Draft while also having a better statistical season than Patrick Queen and Grant Delpit. Not sure if that says more about Phillips, the Browns or just how stacked LSU was last season. Shrug.gif.
98. Baltimore Ravens: Malik Harrison LB Ohio State
Malik Harrison will most likely step in as a day one starter next to fellow rookie linebacker, Patrick Queen. I love that the Ravens had the best record in the NFL last season and somehow just got younger and more talented.
99. New York Giants: Matt Peart OL UConn
Matt Peart had the longest wingspan of any linemen at the combine so best case, he plays on the other side of Andrew Thomas for the next decade. Worst case, he’s the new starting small forward for the New York Knicks,
100. Las Vegas Raiders: Tanner Muse S Clemson
The Raiders did it again. Dare I say ‘steal’ for the 15th time.
101. New England Patriots: Dalton Keene TE Virginia Tech
The Patriots have drafted two tight ends in the third round and will need to draft about 13 more if they ever expect to replace Rob Gronkowski in our lifetimes.
102. Pittsburgh Steelers: Alex Highsmith Edge Charlotte
Alex Highsmith might’ve have gone to a bitch ass college but he still got a sack against Clemson as well as a few QB pressures which is the best indication of how he’ll do in the pros. He had a 4.5 sack game against Old Dominion as well. He was the Chase Young of bitch ass colleges. Shout out Charlotte U though.
103. Philadelphia Eagles: Davion Taylor LB Colorado
Remember when the Eagles drafted a backup QB in the second round? Gooood times.
104. Los Angeles Rams: Terrell Burgess S Utah
If we learned anything from these first three rounds it’s that the quickest route to the NFL is by playing at LSU or fucking Utah.
105. New Orleans Saints: Adam Trautman TE Dayton
Adam Trautman is the first player to be drafted out of Dayton since 1977 which is why he might’ve fallen to the end of the third round when he looked a hell of a lot better out there than any of the scrubs that the Patriots just picked.
106. Baltimore Ravens: Tyre Phillips OL Mississippi State
Tyre Phillips is a gigantic human that is going to toss defensive linemen around. I’m convinced the Ravens are about to run for 700 yards a game.
107. Cincinnati Bengals: Akeem Davis-Gaither LB Appalachian State
The Bengals are doing everything right this year. I don’t they think drafted the best players but they are for sure filling needs. Akeem Davis-Gaither is a Derwin James-type that can play anywhere on the field which the Bengals need with a roster full of defensive guys who can’t play anywhere.
108. Washington Redskins: Saahdiq Charles OT LSU
It’s hard to say anything positive about a reactionary move after trading All-Pro tackle, Trent Williams, to San Francisco. Saahdiq Charles will never be as good as Trent Williams. Tret your employees better and they won’t refuse to play for you.
109. Las Vegas Raiders: John Simpson G Clemson
Good pick! And you can say I’m SIMPING for the Raiders. Ha I’m just joshing you. (150 more fucking picks to go. Wonderful).
110. New York Giants: Darnay Holmes, CB, UCLA
I don’t love the Giants have a secondary consisting of children outside of Jabril Peppers and James Bradbury. Last season, the Giants traded up to draft DeAndre Baker in the first round and Baker was the worst corner in the league. I do not trust this team’s scouting of cornerbacks.
111. Miami Dolphins: Solomon Kindley G Georgia
The Dolphins have drafted 3 offensive linemen in 4 rounds. Obviously they won’t all get the opportunity to start but that’s the benefit of acquiring so many top picks. You get to take more chances.
112. Los Angeles Chargers: Joshua Kelley, RB, UCLA
Hahaha I still cannot believe that Melvin Gordon held out last season as if he had any leverage. He’s been replaced by a 4th rounder. No one will miss Gordon or even remember that he ever played there.
113. Carolina Panthers: Troy Pride, CB, Notre Dame
Troy Pride allowed 4 touchdowns and 61 receptions in his final two seasons at Notre Dame. Congrats, you just drafted a bum.
114. Arizona Cardinals: Leki Fotu DT Utah
Sometimes you luck out and Isaiah Simmons falls in your lap and sometimes you have to select Leki Fotu who will probably just be a backup his whole career.
115. Cleveland Browns: Harrison Bryant TE Florida Atlantic
ESPN desperately wanted you to know how good Harrison Bryant is. There is nothing sports media loves more than a white tight end. George Kettle has been interviewed on Scott Van Pelt’s show every night for the last 25 years.
116. Jacksonville Jaguars: Ben Bartch OL St. Johns
Speaking ESPN coverage, it was really cool how every brown person’s personal tragedy was on full display but corny white dudes from St. Johns were being praised for their protein shake recipes. Totally normal and not in any way transparent.
117. Minnesota Vikings: D.J. Wonnum DE South Carolina
Everson Griffin had 74.5 sacks in his 10-year Minnesota Vikings career. Yea, good fucking luck replacing that DJ Wonnum.
118. Denver Broncos: Albert Okwuegbunam TE Missouri
Broncos GM, John Elway, gave Drew Lock two shiny new wide receivers to throw to and now to add the cherry on top he just drafted Lock’s former college tight end. The Broncos already have Noah Fant from last year’s draft so it doesn’t even matter if Okwuegbunam can ball or not. Denver has placed Drew Lock in a bubble of success.
119. Atlanta Falcons: Mykal Walker LB Fresno State
At pick 119 it’s time to have this conversation. The grading of this Mykal Walker pick has everything to do with your linebacker preference. Do you like undersized faster guys or bigger monsters that are slow? Mykal is small and fast so I don’t know. Push.
120. New York Jets: Lamical Perine RB Florida
FINALLY the Jets are getting Sam Darnold some help in the backfield after Adam Gase made itvery clear that he did not want Le’Veon Bell on the roster and just ran HB-Dive plays directly up the middle for him as a punishment.
121. Detroit Lions: Logan Stenberg G Kentucky
Whoa the Lions drafted TWO guards?? So they’re serious about protecting Matt Stafford huh? This is new. Let’s see how it plays out.
122. Indianapolis Colts: Jacob Eason QB Washington
Jacob Eason lost his starting job at Georgia to Jacob Fromm who hasn’t even been selected yet. Remember the last Washington quarterback drafted? Yea, neither does he because he held onto the ball for too long and was concussed so often I doubt he even knows where he is right now. Shout out Jake Locker and lol @ the Colts.
123. Dallas Cowboys: Reggie Robinson II CB Tulsa
Reggie Robinson blocked 4 field goals in his college career so he probably won’t be lining up across from Golden Tate but he’ll be a useful special teamer, if you believe that’s a thing that matters.
124. Pittsburgh Steelers: Anthony McFarland RB Maryland
125. New York Jets: James Morgan QB Florida International
This is going to happen later in the draft so let me just get it out of the way now. Do not waste draft picks on quarterbacks when you already have a young quarterback you’re building around. Use the draft picks to put Sam Darnold (or Josh Allen) in the best possible position to succeed.
You need a backup? Sign Chase Daniel. There are not enough practice reps to develop two QBs and the Jets know this better than anyone when they had Bryce Petty and Christian Hackenberg watching Ryan Fitzpatrick, Geno Smith and Josh McCown take all the practice reps while they never got to throw a single damn pass.
This shit genuinely frustrates me. What if Sam Darnold gets hurt or keeps making out with strangers and catches Corona-Mono? You’re throwing James Morgan out there to get bullied because all of the coaches have been giving Darnold all the attention and Morgan’s been forced to learn on his own.
Unless of course the Jets know what I know: Sam Darnold stinks. In which case, genius move.
126. Houston Texans: Charlie Heck OT North Carolina
Charlie Heck is 6-foot-8. Bill O’Brien didn’t have to do much work to select the future WWF Intercontinental Champion.
127. Philadelphia Eagles: K’Von Wallace S Clemson
Malcolm Jenkins out. Not as good K’Von Wallace in. Eagles making sure they get a Top 10 pick next season.
128. Buffalo Bills: Gabriel Davis WR UCF
Give Josh Allen all of the deep threats. My biggest problem with Buffalo last season was the playcalling though. We all mocked Allen for chucking the ball downfield to the fullback but why the fuck did they draw a play for the fullback to even be in that position? That should be Gabriel Davis this season.
129. New York Jets: Cameron Clark OT Charlotte
Cameron Clark is going to do a great job of keeping new Jets franchise QB, James Morgan, comfortable in the pocket. Good job, Jets!
130. Minnesota Vikings: James Lynch DL Baylor
As much as I shit on the last guy the Vikings drafted for his inability to fill Everson Griffin’s cleats, I do love the idea of drafting multiple D-Linemen in hopes of matching that productivity. Not bad.
131. Arizona Cardinals: Rashard Lawrence DT LSU
On an incredibly stacked LSU roster, Rashard Lawrence was a team captain and leader. It’s very smart to use late draft picks on high character guys that people just get along with. Especially in Arizona: Home of the DUI.
132. Minnesota Vikings: Troy Dye LB Oregon
In his last two seasons, Troy Dye has given up 27 broken tackles. Not great for a linebacker to be tissue paper when a running back is coming at him and especially not good after the Packers picked little Marshawn Lynch to run him over.
133. Seattle Seahawks: Colby Parkinson TE Stanford
Colby Parkinson is a big ass wide receiver that lines up at tight end which means he’s not great at blocking which means he was destined to be a Seattle Seahawk.
134. Atlanta Falcons: Jaylinn Hawkins S California
Maybe I’m biased from my days of playing Madden when you’d convert a wide receiver to safety and his overall rating would go up because his catch rating was so high but Hawkins did have a 3 interception game against TCU to prove my theory that converted receivers to the secondary are instantly better players.
135. Pittsburgh Steelers: Kevin Dotson G Louisiana
The Steelers have an aging offensive line so this is more of a play developing players for the future. Can’t wait for the story of Mason Rudolph buying Kevin Dotson and the boys Chick-Fil-A to thank them for keeping him protected while also handing out pamphlets on why gay conversation therapy actually works.
136. Los Angeles Rams: Brycen Hopkins TE Purdue
For as much as Sean McVay’s revolutionary offense was praised a couple of seasons ago, they’ve never really had a tight end on the roster that was a true difference maker. Or at the very least, someone who could bail Jared Goff out of his awful tendencies. Brycen Hopkins might be that dude.
137. Jacksonville Jaguars: Josiah Scott CB Michigan State
Josiah Scott’s nickname is ‘The Gnat’. The NFL needs an annoying try-hard untalented asshole like the NBA has Patrick Beverley. Thank you, Jacksonville.
138. Kansas City Chiefs: L’Jarius Sneed S Louisiana Tech
Snead ran a 4.37 40-yard dash and he has soft hands. This could be a name we hear a lot during national TV broadcasts.
139. Las Vegas Raiders: Amik Robertson CB Louisiana Tech
14 career interceptions including 3 returned for a touchdown. So Louisiana Tech just had the greatest secondary ever last season, apparently.
140. Jacksonville Jaguars: Shaquille Quarterman LB Miami
Shaq Quarterman is the first Miami Hurricane to be selected so far in the 2020 NFL Draft. Remember when Miami had the greatest college football program ever but then cocaine? Good times.
141. Houston Texans: John Reid CB Penn State
The Houston Texans ranked 29th last season in defending the deep ball. I’m not sitting here and telling you their late 4th round draft pick is going to change that I’m just saying at least they’re doing fucking something.
142. Washington Redskins: Antonio Gandy-Golden WR Liberty
Antonio Gandy-Golden and Antonio Gibson are Washington’s newest wide receiver duo. I hated typing that but maybe that’s why I’m not an NFL GM because I would never draft two Antonio G’s. Ever.
143. Baltimore Ravens: Ben Bredeson OL Michigan
Offensive linemen for your run heavy offense. The Ravens are hitting home runs off a damn tee.
144. Seattle Seahawks: DeeJay Dallas RB Miami
DeeJay Davis has fumble and dropped passes problems. He also spells his name ‘deejay’ instead of DJ so he wouldn’t even be on my damn draft board.
145. Philadelphia Eagles: Jack Driscoll OL, Auburn
Gotta keep future QB1, Jalen Hurts, on his feet.
146. Dallas Cowboys: Tyler Biadasz C Wisconsin
It’s impossible to replace Travis Fredrick who had to retire due to illness this offseason but I won’t pretend to have read anything about Tyler Biadasz so uh, good pick.
147. Cincinnati Bengals: Khalid Kareem EDGE Notre Dame
This is a fairly weak draft for edge rushers but as mentioned earlier, any body is better than the Bengals current roster of zero bodies.
148. Seattle Seahawks: Alton Robinson DE Syracuse
There were weird arrests where Alton Robinson stole his ex-girlfriend’s purse on two separate occasions which caused Robinson to lose scholarships and although charges were dropped, I hope we all recognize that that doesn’t mean those events didn’t happen and it’s just something to keep in my mind I suppose before you all go full ‘THESE DAMN LYING HOES’ like you want to so badly.
149. Indianapolis Colts: Danny Pinter OG Ball State
We are at the point of the draft where I’m expected to sit here and talk about the impact of backup offensive linemen. Why did I commit to this? I made it this far I reckon. No sleep til Round 7.
150. New York Giants: Shane Lemieux, OG, Oregon
As much as I disapprove of the Giants drafting of average corers over and over again, I’m hyped that they’re finally going all in on the offensive line. Just get big bodies in the room and the cream will rise to the top. Lemieux’s greatest asset is his durability which might be more valuable than any sort of technique or footwork.
151. Los Angeles Chargers: Joe Reed WR Virginia
Joe Reed probably won’t make much of an impact on offense but he did return five kickoffs for touchdowns in his career at Virginia so if he can make ANYTHING out of the most boring play in the game then this is a valuable late pick up for the Chargers.
152. Carolina Panthers: Kenny Robinson Safety XFL
Apparently, you can draft players from the XFL? I would have so much more to say on the topic if the XFL still existed so it appears this is the first and last time it’ll ever happen. Congrats to Kenny for being saved from the sinking ship.
153. San Francisco 49ers: Colton McKivitz OT West Virginia
I could go into detail about Trent Williams’s new back up or I could take this opportunity to remind you to sign up for the Deadseriousness Newsletter:
154. Miami Dolphins: Jason Strowbridge DE North Carolina
Jason Strowbridge is a smaller defensive end that isn’t particularly fast so he’s just going to get manhandled in the NFL but Round 5 is where you draft your scrappy undersized try-hards that’ll push the far superior players in practice.
155. Chicago Bears: Trevis Gipson OLB Tulsa
Literally everything I just said about Strowbridge applies to Trevis Gipson. See above.
156. Washington Redskins: Keith Ismael C San Diego State
Keith Ismael can play any position on the offensive line so Alex Smith, the true QB1 in Washington, can play safely knowing that his legs won’t explode again.
157. Jacksonville Jaguars: Daniel Thomas S Auburn
Safeties that struggle in pass coverage are dangerous. Their role is essentially to be the last line of defense between the offense and the endzone and Daniel Thomas should not be given that level of responsibility.
158. New York Jets: Bryce Hall CB Virginia
One of the few 5th round steals as the Jets snatch up Bryce Hall due to him missing last season with an ankle injury. Hall will probably be the starting corner by the end of the season. Almost makes up for wasting a pick on a quarterback. Almost.
159. New England Patriots: Justin Rohrwasser K(KK) Marshall
Justin Rohrwasser is covered in white supremacy militia tattoos so I’m sure he had already moved into a loft in Boston weeks before the draft.
160. Cleveland Browns: Nick Harris C Washington
Nick Harris has a Jimi Hendrix tattoo which is the most 21-year old thing to do. Do you know how many Pink Floyd tattoos I’d have if 20-year old me was into ink? One, prob. But my point is, being super into classic rock is a temporary phase that college kids have and now for the rest of his life he has to have annoying small talk about All Along The Watchtower.
161. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Tyler Johnson, WR, Minnesota