It’s over. It’s finally over. Joe Biden is officially the president of the United States. The 2020 presidential election feels like it’s been happening for the last 7 years but we’ve reached a conclusion. Donald Trump’s bitch ass is no longer smelling up the Oval Office.
Let’s all take a trip down memory lane and reminisce about some of the best moments of this awful election cycle. American politics is the dumbest shit and we should never stop laughing at these sociopaths and their transparent desperation to rule the world.
So here are the 10 most hilarious moments of the 2020 presidential election:
1. Beto O’Rourke
I just need to take a moment to make fun of Beto O’Rourke for becoming famous after losing an election to Ted Cruz and somehow accelerating that grift into the most inconsequential presidential campaign ever. I’m genuinely convinced he ran so that gentlemen would tip their caps at him on the sidewalk and maybe he could get like, free or perhaps discounted cappuccinos.
Beto established himself as some scrappy underdog who managed to fundraise $80 million in his 2018 campaign to take Ted Cruz’s senate seat. Truly Herculian efforts until you take a step back and realize that he married a millionaire and had a networth of $9 million in 2018 so he didn’t so much come out of nowhere and raise money from nothing as much as he just picked up the phone and called his buddies for some cash.
Beto was the least prepared candidate that always seemed like he rushed into his SAT exam 5 minutes late without having studied once and nursing a brutal hangover after drinking too many Rolling Rocks in his friend’s basement the night before.
As much as he skateboarded and gave speeches standing on tables and live-streamed his dentist visits, he was still driving through his check engine light and leaving his house with his phone at 5% battery. He announced he was running for president before hiring a campaign manager. My man thought he’d just fucking wing it.
2024 babyyyy. We’ll be back with far fewer coffee stains on our shirt. Stay tuned.
2. The Rat Mayor
Pete Buttigieg and Beto O’Rourke may have been often compared as two young men who have bright futures in politics but Mayor Pete is the antithesis of Beto. He’s ultra prepared to an eery extra that made him appear to be manufactured in a lab to be a politician.
He spoke in this weird Barack Obama voice. He talked about ‘bold’ ideas without ever actually expressing any of his own. He worked at the McKinsey consulting firm that helped ICE keep kids in cages.
But I’ve written in detail about how much this dude sucks. Don’t need to go into detail on how he made life hell for poor people when he was Mayor of South Bend, Indiana. That’s been well documented.
The hilarious moment of the Rat Mayor campaign was when he declared himself the winner of the Iowa Caucus after exactly 0 votes had been counted. Something incredibly sketchy happened with the Iowa results and the
man boy rat that was planted into this race went mask off a littleeee too early.
3. Kamala Harris Performative Pain
Kamala Harris’s 2020 presidential campaign is absolutely hilarious when you remember where it started and how it ended. The big shining moment was shitting all over Joe Biden for his support of segregationists.
What a beautiful emotional powerf—
Holy Shit. “It. Was. A. Debate. — I. Was. Lying.” ~ Kamala Harris pic.twitter.com/QrMKZAhuVy
— Michael David (@michael_david41) August 14, 2020
Kamala went from personally claiming that her life was negatively affected by Joe Biden’s actions to now standing on stage next to him as his Vice President. But it was just a debate, she exclaims through condescending laughter. Ah yes, it was all an act. We are the dummies for thinking you have any sort of beliefs or values outside of just collecting as much power as possible. Silly us!
But she’s a girl boss so who cares that she has dedicated her career to putting as much people in jail as possible including nonviolent drug arrests even though she jokes about smoking weed herself. She’s a black woman so who cares that none of her actions have helped the people that she’s supposed to be ‘representing’ right now.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but representation doesn’t matter if the people ‘representing’ you aren’t actually improving your life or in Kamala’s case, actively making your life worse and just using their identities to manipulate you into believing they have your best interests in mind.
“That little girl was me” Lol ok.
Also real quick, I cannot wait for Joe and Kamala’s creepy Phantom Thread-esque relationship where she intentionally poisons him every week so she can become president and he just smiles ear to ear eating up the poison because he’s lowkey ready to die.
4. Mike Bloomberg Enters The Chat
Ol’ Mikey Bloomberg woke up one morning and decided that he was going to become president because why not? Unfortunately, he forgot that he was goblinman with a long history of 1. being a despicable piece of shit and 2. See No. 1.
When you see that this soulless demon spent half a billion on a campaign that was doomed from the start, it’s easy to remember that he is a billionaire who benefits more from a Donald Trump presidency and simply entered the race in order to muddy up the primaries and take votes away for misinformed voters that believed Bernie Sanders was going to turn us into the Soviet Union.
I don’t have much faith in our political system but sometimes a good thing happens and that was the release of Mike Bloomberg’s employees treatment of their female coworkers and how women that worked for him were just sexually harassed and treated like props 24/7.
I don’t think that’s enough for him to lose the election as I will discuss later but Bloomberg’s problem is that he looks like the type of guy who 1000% smells a cute girl’s chair when she leaves for her lunch break so having a bunch of women say they were harassed by him was the least shocking news ever.
Mike Bloomberg is a cunt. I can’t stress that enough.
5. New York Times Endorses Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren
I’m not shy about my hate for the New York Times. Not just because they literally dunked on me for absolutely no reason although that feels like plenty of a reason to hate them. But I’m not a huge fan of their insistence on giving a platform to Nazis.
So there was nothing more hilarious to me than sitting down and watching the NYT editorial team interview candidates to determine who the company would officially endorse for president. It was the most self-important self-sucking empty exercise of nothingness.
This interrogation of Mayor Pete might be my favorite moment of the 2020 presidential election right next to Kamala laughing with Stephen Colbert about her complete lack of integrity.
Though he may not be as emotive as some of his Democratic rivals, @PeteButtigieg shows the editorial board a flash of the passion that he says propels his campaign. See more this Sunday on a special 2020 endorsement episode of @TheWeekly. Full transcript: https://t.co/ooUhuoRBV9 pic.twitter.com/6qXKtgA0WF
— New York Times Opinion (@nytopinion) January 16, 2020
Love this. You might never get the opportunity to ever read this article because I stopped to watch this clip over and over and now it’s the 2024 election. Pete goes full rat mode and is indignant about having nothing to do with price fixing even though he wrote that he was a grocery pricing expert in his book.
Anyway, after a round of wack interviews in which they were playful with Andrew Yang before trying to burn Bernie Sanders at the stake, these assholes took a vote on who they should endorse. The best part of this process is that Mike Bloomberg got a vote. Important to note that Bloomberg joined too late to even participate in this nonsense. Some NYT lizard just wanted a billionaire goblin to punish him for the next 4 years (good for him, we don’t kink shame here).
They landed on Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren. Not only are neither woman president but it looks like neither of them will be given jobs in the Biden Administration. It’s as if they never ran for president at all. New York Times Editorial Board: fucking prophets.
6. The Death of the Me Too Movement
There was a ‘leaked’ report from Liz Warren’s camp about a supposed private conversation that took place between she and Bernie Sanders in which Bernie apparently told her not to run for president because ‘Americans would never elect a woman’.
Naturally, this dominated the news cycle even though it was an anonymously leaked story about a one-on-one convo that literally no one could confirm actually happened. And before I keep going it’s important for me to state that yea, Bernie probably said this and it’s shitty even though he was commenting on American voters for their sexism and it actually wasn’t a criticism of Liz at all. I disagree with him entirely but that’s a conversation for another day.
The problem is that the media used this as another example of Bernie and his supporters aka ‘Bernie Bros’ being misogynistic monsters because it behooved them to snuff Bernie out. This whole election was about returning to a status quo, not radical change and it was very clear that any idea outside of our tiny dumb little imaginations was deemed as a problem.
Again, I believe Liz Warren because there is no point in lying about that. That’s what the Me Too Movement was about. Believing women when they tell you that men are attacking them.
EXCEPT of course when it affects their one hope of beating Donald Trump. A former Biden staffer, Tara Reade, came out and said that Biden sexually assaulted her and liberals universally told her to shut the fuck up and stop acting like such a slut.
So all of the performative identity politics and weird cringeworthy faux-wokeness is over. They chose a rapist. Super cool.
7. Super Tuesday
Barack Obama had a phenomenal 2020. Netflix gave him all the money in the world to produce saltine cracker content. Spotify gave his wife all the money in the world to produce saltine cracker content.
Then the day before Super Tuesday Barack Obama made some calls and orchestrated a disgusting move where all of the Democratic candidates dropped out simultaneously and endorsed Joe Biden in an attempt to essentially just humble Bernie Sanders and take the election from him.
That sounds very conspiratorial so I’ll explain. In Game of Thrones, Khaleesi always looked directly into the camera to tell us that she wanted to ‘break the rule’ and upend all of the Westeros established systems of power. Well the Democrats want the opposite. It’s their job to grease that wheel up and make sure it’s always going and money is always flowing to the top.
So when Bernie Sanders is running around trying to give every medicine and making rich people actually pay the taxes they’re supposed to, it’s up to the Democratic leadership to step in and tell their powerful wealthy donors not to worry and to stop Bernie from actually changing anything.
Remember, this election was about returning to a status quo where the working class gets ground into dust by their employers and cops kill brown people but a Democrat will be president so no one is paying attention because we’re all out to brunch or seeing the new Seth Rogan movie or whatever the shit.
This is dark. The hilarious part to me was that Elizabeth Warren wasn’t invited. Klobuchar, Beto, Bloomberg and Rat Mayor all quit and endorsed Joe and Liz wasn’t in that group text as she stayed in the race.
Thank you, Obama. Your overall silence for the last 4 years of Trump’s terror only to emerge in order to submarine Bernie was very cool and regular behavior.
8. Joe Biden Sundowning
Alright guys, I’ll be honest. We won. I do not have the energy nor desire to run through Joe Biden’s clear and obvious cognitive decline. Also, I didn’t write this article in order and this is the last section I’m putting together. I’m tired. I’m so very tired.
Joe Biden probably has dementia and should not be the most powerful man on the planet. I promise you I am going to spend the next 4 years roasting this geriatric artifact but let’s just enjoy the Trump tears. His supporters are hurting and I’d much rather make fun of those losers right now than Biden.
Please text a Trump supporter you know and just laugh at them. Don’t ever stop laughing at them. They hitched their wagon to the worst president ever and now they’re crying. What a time to be alive.
9. Little Pimp
This will be brief because I don’t want to spend a lot of time talking about Lil Pump because I don’t want his name to show up in more Google results tricking him into believing he is more popular than he actually isn’t but his last second endorsement for Trump was hilarious mainly due to the fact that Trump has no idea who this odd boy is and neither does any of his followers which gave us this amazing moment.
Lil Pump takes the stage at the Trump rally shortly after 1amET on Election Day. Trump introduces him as “Little Pimp” pic.twitter.com/cS7yqT7c5Q
— Brandon Wall (@Walldo) November 3, 2020
I love this intro. He called him ‘Little Pimp’ before pointing and laughing at his overall ridiculousness. Lil Pump alienated himself from a hip hop culture that had already essentially pushed him into rap purgatory to support a man that 1. Lost and 2. Publicly disrespected and laughed at him.
10. Donald Trump’s L’s
Donald Trump has spent his entire life ruining the lives of everyone he’s ever been in the same room with. He’s committed and continues to commit crimes on a regular basis and has suffered a grand total of zero consequences. He has failed upwards to land the most powerful position in the world.
So this last month of seeing Trump finally eat shit was spectacular. Sure, you guys can cry because Biden gave a recycled Obama speech or whatever. Do your thing. I get it. I am going to instead laugh maniacally at clips of Trump dying from Covid and sadly walking back from a golf trip on the day he found out he lost to a reanimated corpse.
We do not yet know the long-term effects of Coronavirus but being nearly 80 years old and weighing all of the pounds means that Trump is for sure going to die soon and I am smiling so hard writing this.
Donald Trump’s presidency attacked Muslims, the gay community, black and Hispanics, the working class and basically anyone who isn’t rich or Ben Shapiro had their lives negatively altered either directly from his policies or indirectly via the divisive discourse he created that empowered white supremacists to march through Charlottesville.
The day he caught Covid and the day he lost the election were sincerely two of the best days of the last 4 years. Truly seeing people unite and celebrate over the end of a low-IQ crayon-devouring rapist cult leader was amazing.
Donald Trump is a fucking loser and now we anxiously wait for his incoming death.