I do not hide the fact that I am a child and my favorite movies are generally for children. I like Disney movies. Great stories. Perfect length of time. Perfect amount of racism. Well, Peter Pan provides none of these great qualities. It is 77 minutes of being waterboarded with both of your feet in bear traps.
Peter Pan is the worst movie ever. Start to finish, it’s a nightmare of nonsense and bullshit. I don’t even know where to start. I guess I should start with the fact that there’s no actual story. There are fairies and pirates and lost boys and shit with no explanation of anything. The fuck is a lost boy?
Basically, the story begins with very casual kidnapping as Peter Pan just shows up in these kids bedroom and takes them to Neverland. Oh, that’s right, after he teaches them how to fly for no reason with no explanation. Is Peter Pan magic or his Tinkerbell magic? What is a Tinkerbell?
When they get to Neverland, it appears to be having a major pirate problem which, again, makes no sense. Like, if the whole movie took place on the ocean, then yes, pirates as the antagonists make sense. But pirates have no jurisdiction on land. Everyone knows this.
Before you have a chance to question the authority of these land pirates, you are thoroughly beaten over the head with the most aggressive racism you’ll ever see in a Disney movie or in, like, Nazi propaganda. Just the most brutal depiction of Native Americans I’ve ever had to sit through.
Captain Hook calls them ‘redskins’ like more times than ever necessary and in a tone of voice that makes you want to repent your sins. Tiger Lilly is the Native American princess so she’s basically Pocahontas without the song solos and special treatment. Mostly bad treatment actually.
I could talk about how the mermaids try to ruthlessly murder Wendy… Or how everyone tries to ruthlessly murder Wendy. But I think the creepy relationship between Wendy and Peter Pan deserves a mention. At one point in the movie, Peter suggests that Wendy can become the lost boys mother. By the end of the movie, it seems as though he’s trying to bang her. Although, if Peter somehow was able to swing a threesome with Wendy and Tinkerbell, I’d say this is the best movie ever. Walt reallyyyy dropped the ball here.
I just re-read all of this and I have no idea what I was talking about. That’s because Peter Pan is so awful that I’m confused just trying to recap what occurred. If you are in the midst of writing a suicide note and you start suffering from writer’s block, just watch Peter Pan and I guarantee you will be re-inspired. If I wake up tomorrow to find out that this movie no longer exists, my life would improve exponentially. Everyone’s would. Oh, also Michael Jackson probably would’ve molested significantly less children. So there’s that.
Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee if you think Peter Pan is a good movie so I can mock you.