Cheat Sheet: Disney Animated Movies
Cheat Sheet is a new weekly article on Deadseriousness that will provide you with a quick guide to whatever it is you need to pretend to know about. Disney’s Pixar is releasing a new movie this weekend and I think it’s fair time to look back at the beginning of Disney’s reign. As a man who regularly watches Disney animated movies more often than he should, allow me to guide you through the magical world of Disney. Walk with me.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
The world’s worst step-mom with severe vanity issues hires a huntsman to kill her step-daughter because she looks better than her. She is also the worst at hiring killers because the huntsman refuses to kill Snow White and tells her to go live in the woods. Living in the forest is safe apparently. After finding out that Snow White is still alive, the world’s worst step-mom continues making poor decisions. She creates a poisonous apple that will put Snow White into a magical sleep, you know, instead of just killing her. Snow white eats the apple, the step mom falls off a cliff and dies and everyone lives happily ever after.
A fawn is born to become the ‘Great Prince of the Forest’, because that’s a thing of course. He hangs out with a rabbit and a skunk for 70 minutes and watches his mothers head get blown off by a hunter.
Another beautiful girl is mistreated by her jealous step-mom. Prince Charming invites all the girls in the kingdom to a ball so he can choose a wife because that’s what people did back then, apparently. Cinderella’s half-ass godmother transforms her wardrobe and makes her look stunning but decides to only make the spell last until midnight. Cinderella has legit mommy issues. The Prince falls in love with her footwear and goes on a quest to find who fits into it because there is only one size 8 in the whole kingdom. A generation of children subconsciously develop foot fetishes after viewing this film.
Alice in Wonderland
A young girl goes on an insane acid trip. She sees a white rabbit yelling over and over “I’m late for an important date” and decides it’s a good idea to follow him down a hole. You immediately learn that Alice is not the brightest girl. When she gets to wonderland she is told to pop more pills to alter her size. For the next like 25 minutes, Alice has the munchies and just eats whatever random food she finds as it causes her to grow and shrink for no reason. Pretty much everyone she encounters is an asshole to her. A caterpillar blows hookah smoke in her face and gives her some shrooms. The Cheshire Cat appears and just fucks with the obviously super high Alice. Her trip ends with paranoia as every character wants to kill her. Drugs are bad.
Peter Pan and Tinkerbell are suddenly introduced into these kids room and teaches them how to fly. There is no explanation. No character development. Peter Pan and Tinkerbell just appear. What the hell is a Tinkerbell? You’ll never know because this movie refuses to explain anything.
Lady and the Tramp
A wealthy white dog falls in love with a poor black dog.
An angry witch, Maleficent, wants to kill Princess Aurora because she wasn’t invited to her first birthday party. Eye for an eye I suppose. Instead of just killing her, Maleficent casts the most pointlessly specific spell. When Aurora turns 16 she will prickle her finger on a sewing machine and die. Tetanus was a huge deal in this time period. Somehow this movie is longer than 10 minutes.
The Jungle Book
An orphan from India named Mowgli is raised by wolves, the usual over there. Shere Khan, the tiger, shows up and is like ‘I heard there is a human living in the jungle and I want to eat him’. Mowgli’s friends, a black panther and a bear, decide it’s not safe for him in the jungle, you know, because of all of the bears and panthers there. Eventually Mowgli meets a girl and returns to civilization because his friends never taught him the valuable lesson of bros before hoes.
The Little Mermaid
Ariel, the mermaid princess of the sea, wants to live on land with humans so she makes a deal with a witch to trade her magnificent singing voice for legs. The witch, Ursula, is a disgustingly obese creature that can take any feature from the beautiful Ariel but chooses to take just her voice. Confidence personified.
The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
A bear and a pig tip-toe around their homosexuality as they hang out with their racial stereotyped tiger and post-traumatic, suicidal donkey.